{Black}Girl Interupted

So I haven't been on in a while cause shit has really been hitting the fan. I've been looking for another job because working in Grocery isn't my jam. Like I was seconds away from going postal. there was only so much I could take in that industry like everyone was unhappy, pay and hours were getting cut left and right it was so messy. But besides that dealing with my mom was becoming more and more unbearable. In addition to that my depression had spiked to the point of noticeable symptoms, but I feel like no matter how hard it gets or how sad I am I can never catch a break. I hardly get any help at home with chores or food or anything domestic. I cant even ask for the money my dad sends me without there being some sort of argument even though it's technically my cash and I don't know where it goes cause whenever I ask about it there's this 1950's "Don't ask me about my business." shit that my mom likes to pull. I really get tired of this shit like I don't need to be this tired. and my mom likes to pull this "you're gonna take care of me one day right?" bull shit even though she hasn't been taking care of me since I turned 13. I've been taking care of her and dealing with being put through the emotional ringer. my main goal now is to be able to take care of myself because everything is such a mess like I cant see straight.

Like I have this fantasy right where I can live on my own in my own little apartment and pay my own rent, there's nobody there to lord anything over me, nobody there to make me feel like I need them to survive. It's just me, making breakfast in my underwear, mildly drunk off of mimosas with curlers in and maybe legally blonde, or sex and the city marathons playing in the background. Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe just me. it doesn't matter but i am content and safe and alone in my home writing or selling art doing something I love.Mostly not being sad is my goal. I want a fairytale ending, like I dug my way out of the sadness and on the other side is a partner, a home, loyal loving best friends, and everyone is happy with each other. I don't want to belong to her anymore. I want my freedom. there is no reason for me to live like a slave. There's no reason for me to be on the mercy of someone else who has more money than I do, and as God and the internet as my witness I will never be anyone's pet not now, not ever.

Mala Vida Aesthetic

So apparently Prince's are real. Like I totally fan girled about him with my friends after work because I don't think I've ever seen someone so perfect. like I cant live. he was so pretty. he had dark hair with these pretty blonde highlights and an effortless like wavy curl to them that made him look like a surfer/skater which apparently is the aesthetic that I just melt for. he had the most amazing eyes like they were blue but with silver painted on the middle of the iris with these thick brown eyelashes and a little scruffy lost boy beard. Oh my god and don't get me started with his skin. it was comparable to molten caramel. he showed up at my job and my heart just about leapt out of my chest. and i  was sick today i had almost not come to work. but then i would have missed out on angelic mag-fucking-nificence.
I was a wreck like you know when you see someone and you're like "I hope to god that I see you again because you made glitter blossom in my heart and I don't know how to feel because I don't like feeling these types of feelings." and I freaked the fuck out because he was such a little daddy I died.  I hope to god I see him again. I didn't even learn his name. but like then again what the fuck would he want with a 19 y/o dickhead who doesn't even have a car. it doesn't matter he was a real live prince and I think I am going to have to take a few days to get over the shock. I didn't even know dudes that looked like that were real anymore. he was like Vic Fuentes and Avan Jogia fused into the ultimate babe.  
I'm noticing a lot about myself and like I have this weird weakness for alternative, skater, loiter squad dudes.like dudes that look like they play guitar and talk about over throwing the government. the same thing with chicks too though, like all the girls that I've thought were hot have that whole Tank Girl, skater vibe going on as well and I need to control myself. I guess it is my opposite because  grew up being the Sporty bitch from the conservative uber religious black christian family. I guess like  in a weird way I still am like the 'goody goody.' and i find myself drawn to like mischievous, pirate esque people all the time. like I'm lookin' for trouble hahaha. I sound ridiculous.

I really just want to see him again, like even if nothing happens I want to see his pretty face and freak out and be weird about it and then act like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure that was the father of my future children but y'know I could be wrong, A girl can dream though right? I'm always falling for people who could potentially ruin my shit. there is always that one special person that can just fuck yo whole damn life up and I'ma keep waiting for mine,
that mother fucker looks like how good coffee tastes and I'm still mad about it.

BLACK KIDS AREN'T PETTING ZOOS

so this thing happened at work and I couldn't do anything because i was working and i have to smile in these fake pig people's faces all the time. there was this kid like 15 feet away from me and he looked mixed or light skinned but he had non-black white passing friends and the kid had this pretty healthy little fro right and these little monster babies are fondling him and prodding him like he is a baby sheep and he just looks miseable like his soul is deflating as they prod and molest his little baby crown. and i had this gut feeling like i could feel the same thing he felt because I was that friend, that token black friend being poked at being examined like a frog on he dissection table.I was at the other side. I was the "how do you get your hair like that?" I was the "if i stick a pencil in your hair will it stay there?" or "can I touch your hair? it's so big!" that's uncool, uncomfortable and no body likes that shit. you don't see black people asking white people if we can touch their hair because they don't fucking want to. like looking in the face of that little pudding made me want to swoop in like fucking WONDERMIKO and shoo off the kids. Like dude furreal you guys are still on this "Let's fondle black people for kicks bullshit." we are not for your consumption dude. BACK THE FUCK UP. you cannot marvel at our features and then belittle those same features making the new black youth feel fetishized and unwanted at the same time. That's gross. but on another note I have started school and I am going mission college then i am transferring to Csun located in my home town of northridge CA but I have been thinking alot of old friends and people I otherwise no longer associate with and all of the people i have encountered in my life have an unhealthy view of black people. most of my friends have been WOC (women of color) either mexican or asian or native american or of mixed race and still these bitches often made it a point to confide in me their veiws on black men. by telling me they aren't attracted to them. first in foremost i can give negative to FUCKS about your relationship with black men. especially because their "nonattraction." is rooted in eurocentric ideals of beauty and attractiveness. second of all white dudes hold the record for sex related crimes and violence against women, and PA-LEASE don't come at me with that not all white guys shit. because the ones who aren't either racist trogladites, or sexually frustrated sociopaths, are obsessed with the EXOTIC. that means putting WOC on a pedestal based off of hypersexualized fetishized fantasies and notions of what it's like to date a {      } girl.  and it's fucking gross.you basically end up being sexy exotic furniture. I know from experience. But me personally I had never thought about who i was sexually attracted to in terms of race. everybody likes certain things; eye color, sense of humor, big dick, kindness, muscles ect ect. i had never sexually excluded anyone because I'm kind of a horny hyperromantic love starved fool who hopes for the fairytale ending which includes someone who cuddles me, touches my butt, and makes a mean breakfast. that's ALL I fucking looked for was love and acceptance and worship; not what racial criteria he had to meet. even though during my younger years i had a flavor of the month club mentality. but i was going through hormonal changes and i found many different types of men attractive. But to have people i care about and talk to look me in the face and tell me men of my culture aren't up to their fucking standards whilst they track pink dick like fucking military grade snipers is fucking beyond me. That's like me telling my lesbian friend i would never fall in love with a woman. Because I don't fucking know who my true love is yet. It could be a woman. she could be a fucking Mathematics major and she could turn out to be the love of my fucking life. My soulmate could be a Young black man who is studying temporarily at a community college before transferring to a HBUC who'd end up graduating subacumlaudy. My soulmate could fucking be some guy i met bagging groceries who's mixed.I am not going to limit my love to people because their culture or creed religion or background because if they eat pussy right and they know what to do when i;m sad or i've had a shitty day it doesn't fucking matter what their background is. what matters is that they treat you like a person instead of a mantle piece what matters is they don't make you feel like shit for not agreeing with them. as long as they are not abusive manipulative selfish people that's the fucking shit you need to worry about. not how dark they are or the history of struggle that their lineage had faced.  if anything you should hope for a black person to bless you with their presence. you're children will have the strength of survivors and mystics and heroes coursing through them. fuck people who are quick to say love is love, but correct it with "BUT I"M NOT REALLY INTO BLACK GUYS" because news flash bitch, black guys are like every other guy you've ever met. they play XBOX and talk shit to their friends and talk about boobs and ass and pussy and their crazy ex girlfriends. the only difference is they were built to withstand heat and struggle and probably have heard tons of people reject them based off of their beautiful skin. Being in an interracial relationship does not make you more special or more worthy than other black people and for my non black POC dating a black person does not make you less than, or belittle you, or mean you get an all access pass to appropriate black culture. what it does mean is that you're kids will be hot because they have african DNA and they'll have a better complexion then their nonblack counter part and you may have to actually learn about black people, black culture and black hair. WE ARE PEOPLE don't treat black people like some sort of alien race. just fucking don't. if you do I hope a hand in the shape of mine comes down from the sky and slaps the fucking shit out of you because you're being garbage.I fucking can't dude I just fucking can't . we live in a time where young black kids are being slaughtered like animals in record numbers and all your pretty little brain can think of is "I'm not into black guys, hey Miko is it true what they say about black dicks." GUESS WHAT BITCH I would;n't fucking know if it was true Because the last dick I saw was pink and ruined my life so don't ask me weird intrusive racial questions about black male genitalia. BEcause dick size is relative, just like the size of the labias and breasts we walk around with. ANd honestly do you think all black women simultaneously learn about black dick, or we all have to go look at eachothers parts to pass some ancient ritual. fuck outta here man that's so fucking icky.IF you are nonblack and friends with black people or dating black people don't subscribe to fucking stereotypes kid, educate yourselves and respect your peers. Don't be a fucking ass hat.

Strawberry Moon

Retrograde is going to be coming to an end on June 11th. however I have been having strange little occurrences. during the week i had noticed that there are hearts everywhere like everytime i cook or eat icecream even the cracks on my phone started to look like hearts it was freaking me out. like they were everywhere. Like I don't even know what is going on. I am single as fuck and all my friends are living their lives but i have this little job. no one bothers me. It's like I am getting danger Will Robinson warnings from the universe.like the spirit world is telling me all this calm happy fun time I have been spending alone is going to be abruptly interrupted but call me crazy I have been enjoying this character developement portion of my life.Being without friends and a lover is actually kind of awesome, I am not going to say I'm having the time of my life and that I dont need anyone. I like being in relationships and i like having friends but I can survive.Its like this calm content feeling Like when you eat just the right amount of food. I dont really feel like a person though, I feel like a gust of wind or an idea or a witch. I just enjoy living in this little world in my head. I know that I am weird and that it's going to be hard meeting people and having relationships, but it's supposed to be difficult if it's not difficult then it cant be right.I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense But it does kind of feel good to just have a general stream of consciousness. just write how you feel at the moment. right now I am just worried. I'm worried because whenever I get comfortable something changes. because now I am comfortable. I am comfortable with my job, with myself. everything is kind of just mellow. so I worry about losing my job, or losing the person I am becoming because I really like her. I like this person and I am a little upset that I cant share who I am blooming into with anyone. but I am also very satisfied because most women don't have this person until they've reached their forties. I keep losing this one lipstick though its called Creature by ColourPop cosmetics and I ordered it like twice and it kept disappearing. I want to order it again but at the same time I don't want to spend any money. I want to enjoy the birthday i have coming up soon but i have been stuffing away money for my escape. I am kind of tempted to give up because I can't get past 300 dollars and it's super frustrating. I am going to be starting school in august I am thinking of switching out the child development course for creative writing. creative writing would make sense.more sense than teaching.but at the same time I could take the child development course next semester. I'd make a better writer than a teacher anyway.But I am really excited. I am still holding out for the barbarian king to invade my land though, like even though everything is great and I am being all hot sexy and independent there needs to be some Jason Momoa looking Conqueror mother fucker coming to tune me up for the rest of my life. I am just putting it out there. they say that the strawberry moon is the one that makes all The things that you want happen. you never know I am just sort of a superstitious little bitch. having a slab of bbq red meat would be nice as well.

Chapter 23: Moving Forward In Retrograde

I am actually enrolled in school. it has taken me like thirty fucking years but I'm going to be a college girl!bad news I got two periods this month and it was accompanied by violent cramps causing me to miss work.But at the same time no one should make someone feel shitty over stuff that is out of control. like I don't know how to control that shit, if i could turn it off and never have it again I fucking would but i cant it happens every month and every month i loose like 10 pounds but oh no cant inconvenience other people with your "minor" health problems oh heavens no. fuck outta here with that noise bruh. I got a period a violent, mean, mother fucking war inside of my body where wolves fucking tear apart my inner uterean lining and fuck my whole shit up. not even refer calms that shit down. what kind of fucking monster cant be soothed by pot? I tried fucking everything. even soup! I was a fucking warrior I got dressed and everything but I have to walk to work, so i just sat there in my filth and sadness, and just gave the fuck up. like literally this is how it feels.. and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent.  I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids."  and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need.  But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.

Retrograde Day 2

I dont think i have ever actually cared about retrograde until this year because this is the first year that i have been like balls deep in magic and horoscopes and other shit. i havent gotten any profound life altering messages and i am seriously considering getting my septum pierced again because i had a lot of fun having my septum pierced. it made me feel really powerful; and fearsome. like i had an attitude and i was unfuckwithable. It could be like i was a mystic or some kind of war goddess in a past life and that makes me obsessed with war and body art and body modifications. It makes me feel like a goddamned boss. The tone of this blog is so differetn from the post i made this morning mostly because i vented all my frustrations with my mom today and it was so cleansing and cathartic. like we were on the same page for once, but i am going to have to make an appointment with my therapist George because my mom noticed signs of depression.and with that like alarms went off in my head because i had never experienced depression before or at least i was too dumb to see it. but recently i have been sluggish and apathetic, more moody than usual, wanting to sleep forever and always tired. and like my diet is crap because i just eat microwave meals and meat and candy. I'm surprised I havent died yet. I also realized I cant feed myself. like today i ate a burger and fries for breakfast but i walked to the burger place so that must be healthy. but like my bones hurt and i feel really agitated like everything just gets on my nerves and I am a mess.I cant pick a song to listen to I cant pick any good movies and the movies I do end up watching are movies that I can practicaly recite verbatum. i really need to watch my health, i am really worried about being diabetic so i keep like talking to my mom about it and she brushed me off so i think i'm just going to start eating salads and almonds and stuff so i wont be paranoid. i mean if no one is going to listen to me i might as well take my health into my own hands. even though alot of websites are like DONT MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS IN RETROGRADE but whats so bad about trying to be a healthy bitch. I could even reverse the effects. And when i get paranoid i drink this bitter root tea that tastes like old socks. I don't feel fatigued I just feel unmotivated, I go to the bathroom alot but thats because i drink like 8 waters a day since i am on that tumblr "stay hydrated" ban wagon. the vision shit is not much of a reliable thing because i have shitty eyesight anyway. but what does worry me is the pins and needles in my toes and somethimes my fingers, that freaks me out. but like after i do something healthy it goes away. i dont really eat alot of sugar. i cant even finish a pint of ice cream or a whole donut, which sucks. but like my health is super important to me even though i feel like i am going to die any second. I'm just sort of a wreck. I am all around concerned about everything, i cant go a minute with out being worried about something. it's exhausting.but I got retrograde goodies since the technology is supposed to be all wonky as well as everything else. I have new headphones a charger and this thing i can carry around that charges my phone for me. my phone started acting up a little because it was playing music out of no where but other than that every thing has been kosher. I spoke to my old friend again, it felt equally as awkward as it did the last time.but let by gones be bygones i guess. oh and sorry for no pictures i didnt really feel like looking for any. so y'all just gone have to read.

Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be

Chapter 16: Broke ass sexual chocolate.

I sort of have a job, i am waiting for a call today from my future boss and i got an email from this company that wants me to proof read company emails and shit. they'll pay me like $50 bucks to do something that a computer can do by its self. but I'm not going to pass up free money. any way i have been thinking of doing stand up for a little bit because I have a bunch of fucked up stories of my life that I feel like I could share for shits and giggles. my hair is growing out and i want to shave the sides again because I want to be a badass; iItold a friend of mine that i was going to clean up the sides and she was like "Nooo don't shave it you'll look like a boy." and i was like BITCH! you act like I haven't been old i look like a dyke with long hair as well. either way I have my hair with theses fucking foot ball player shoulders that i have i'm going to look butch, its a fucking given, I've played sports all my life so I have a weird square body and a girly face. if anything I look like a gay man I don't need your approval to shave my head so i can look like storm from the X-men comics. but at the same time I don't own a set of clippers so I cant do it myself and there are no reputable black stylists in Tujunga. so i'm going to have to wait until I can buy a pair of clippers myself. but any way my Ex's mom set me up with this house sitting gig so i'm working three jobs like a Jamaican .but to be honest i have no idea what I am doing in life I'm just trying to save enough money so I can get my drivers licence and a car before the end of this year.I'm doing pretty well in the productivity sphere. and I have been working on my books so I can try to publish them again. the thing is sometimes I just don't feel inspired I feel like I have to write so people don't judge me for just sitting at home or going on walks. no one thinks I do enough of anything. I like writing but I feel like I am pressuring myself to publish so I can prove things to people. I keep hearing crap like my mom was talking to me one day about how her co-workers felt about me not going to college and I was like "are they going to pay my fuckin' tuition?" I'm not lazy and i'm not an idiot. I wasn't put in a position where everything would just be laid at my feet, I'm tired of feeling guilty that I'm not like everyone else. i mean at least i'm trying to go after one of my dreams instead of just going out and getting drunk or high or something like that. I mean the grossest thing I do is masterbate and that's fucking natural. I'm not like everyone else, this is my book my story my life. I don't want to feel like I'm spoiled because I'm not. I shop with my own money, the only thing I don't pay for is food and rent and like utilities and shit because I start working next week.by the time I start working then i'll pay for that but I want to be somebody and I want to rub it in people's faces. like no I didn't go to college, but i fucking made it anyway. it irks me because when I want to talk about my writing or my novels no one wants to listen to me, but I'm supposed to listen to everyone else when they want to talk about me going to art school or being a make up artist or going to community college. It still feels like my life isnt even mine, even though I'm supposed to take control over my life.

Chapter 15:Social Misfit.

So today I'd gotten ready for a date with a tinder match, turns out the distance between us hindered that date from happening, the thing is I have another date on Friday but I ran out of money online shopping like an asshole. and after that next weekend I will be visiting my estranged uncle who is now living somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wildly attractive life partner. I feel like i am dating myself right now, since i'm sitting at Starbucks nursing a water and trying to spy on this guy a few tables a head of me who is watching Tyler the Creator music videos. I had made eye contact with him more than twice so in my head that means "Take em down to flavor town." and there is a mildly homeless looking man staring at me , the cute guy is doing stretches , who the fuck does stretches at Starbucks, somebody who wants the Jade. he needs to hit on me right now i'm fucking serious . but anyway i'm sitting here waiting for the last minute cancellation so I can go about being a trollop. But in all seriousness my social anxiety is hoping that he doesn't show up so I can be left alone. And there is this old guy that looks like a beat up old version of my ex, hanging out with this Asian chick and it cracks me up because that's probably exactly what he's going to look like in the next 10-20 years if not now. but i'm sort of being a mischievous little shit right now smiling like an idiot because no one knows what I am doing and I'm sitting here blogging and cracking myself up in this cold ass Starbucks. All i could afford was a fucking chocolate cookie so now I have tummy bubbles . I'm so fucking worried about this date. I didn't drive to the Starbucks I walked so the whole leaving situation would be a little weird unless i wait a while after he leaves to leave. I drank my water and ate my cookie already,
I'm stressed the fuck out right now, and I have to pee. like what if he thinks I'm a scrub because I'm broke and I walked to the fucking date like a hippie douche. everything is so complicated. what would make things more complicated would be if he found my blog. but that's a different story. I don't think anyone i see in the future should ever see this to be honest. I mean it's this weird platform where all I do is talk shit about life and dating and my ex boyfriend, while I pretend to be a functioning member of society in my off time. I mean I'm not even a successful blogger I'm just a punk kid with a key board and too many opinions. this is all bad, but luckily it'll be a short date and he wont be staying long enough to figure out that i'm a carless weirdo. even though I'm very lazy and I don't really want to walk back home.the struggle is too fucking real for me right now. I'm super fucking anxious. this is what my ass gets for fucking with tinder. I could've waited until something happened organically instead of being a thirsty bitch. but noooooooo. any way he's supposed to show up in about 30 minutes because life likes to fuck with me all the time.

Chapter 14: Caught up in my feelings.

Allk i really want is a root beer float and somebody to tell me i'm pretty. I am feeling really close to my period right now and the last thing i need is to be alone and near my phone. as soon as i get to this point i get all weepy and sensitive and i want to text HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED because i'm a little bitch when it comes to him as a human being. I mean I do it to myself honestly, i watch romance movies at like midnight sitting in my draws and socks fucking wasting precious time being a freak. and it;s going to be raining soon. luckily i'll be going out with friends tomorrow. i dont know why i'm even up in my feelings; i've been offered sex from cute strangers but i dont know what to do because i dont do hook-ups you know i'm  like a nice girl and only one person has ever had my goodies. I am so mad because apart of me wants to follow through on one of the tinder offers but the other part of me cant let go so I end up turning it down and being frustrated.
I thought it'd be easy to just  jump back on the sexy horse, but I guess I'm not the girl I thought I was and I really hoped i'd be her by now. I even texted HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED but it was at like 1 in the morning and i knew he wasn't going to reply but
I did it anyway cause it was buggin' me all day and I don't ask for advice anymore because my friends are just as sick of hearing about him as i am thinking of him. maybe I'm not allowing myself to heal properly, I mean I thought diving into the ocean would drown all my feelings but being in the deep blue all alone just makes you think all the time anyway. but I ordered more lipstick, and i'm looking at dresses on line. I've been saving a lot of money but i still have shopaholic tendancies. I'd really like a large sum of money so I can just shop all my feelings out. I'm supposed to be getting a check from the internship I quit a few weeks back and my dad's finally catching up on child support so that's awesome! And I've lost some weight so I need smaller clothes anyway. this fucking mowhawk is getting on my nerves because my hair is growing out. but shit I have enough money to by fake eyelashes and concealer and everything I fucking want. I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school and thats going to be really awesome because i'm going to be this hot sexy talented makeup artist and HE WHO REMAINS UNNAMED is going to miss out on the sexy butterfly I end up being because no one seems to think I'm worth the trouble and I'm worth fighting for. that's fucking fine, because I was built this way to fight for myself. 

Thoroughly Aroused and Uncomfortable

the thirst is rising. I feel like my overwhelming thirstiness is going to become problematic. I
 should be used to being alone in the biblical sense, I mean I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 17, I probably wont get another one until I am 35. I haven't really been looking though, mostly just harmless oogling of strangers who I happen to find visually pleasing but I feel like the thirst is deeper than just that of carnal lust. I feel like I am romantically thirsty. I want all my passions to be ignited. I want some paradise lost shit. I'm sort of bored. I mean I've been alone for a month. Time seems to be going slower. everything seems longer than it is. days feel like months weeks feel like years. it fucking sucks. but the good news I've started going to my church again, well it's a kingdom hall but i like to simplify things. i'm looking forward to going on Wednesday,  but my loneliness is a product of my pride.I don't know when this dry spell will end or if it ever will. I am not sure I will ever have a great romance again. I use god, and writing to escape the overwhelming longings budding from my heart and growing like poisonous weeds into my brain.I hate this feeling. I wish this feeling could be put into a bottle and sprayed at my enemies. I might watch like water for chocolate and cry and be weird. I'm not sure what I am doing. Everyone tells me that I'll get passed this feeling and everything will be fine and something better will come blah blah blah blah blah. I really don't give a fuck about those hallmark card bullshit anecdotes because at the end of the day i'm still going to be horny and romantically unfulfilled. I don't know why I am surprised, I knew how everything was going to play out, I even said one day he'd get tired of me, because I am disagreeable, frightfully stubborn, overly sensitive, and so forth. Being with me is a job in its self. being me is a soul sucking career that you can never escape from. I'm angry because I still miss him, I am angry because I thought that I was above these feelings because I was smart. Being smart didn't get me shit except for a blog that only earns about thirty fucking cents and scornful regret that plagues me on a nightly basis. This isnt pretty or fluffy or romantic; it's border line obsession. it's fucking killing me. But at the same time I love being this miserable because I know that what I felt was real and honest and true. even though it's gone now, It was the rawest and purest form of a true love and need for someone. I might never really give two fucks about anyone the same way I did, and I know now I am certain that what I felt was real because it wouldn't hurt like this if it wasn't.It was like he was my johnny depp. But no matter how well adjusted i want to be and how sane i want to seem i am in an inhuman amount of pain some nights. some times I am so happy I am hysterical. I feel like the same feelings I had when I was falling in love with Goat man but i feel them in my own company. I feel wild, and untouchable, I feel like a magical being. I wish I had felt this power while I was with him so he could experience what I am. Its the best thing to experience when you see yourself for who you are and you feel like a wolf woman.Maybe he was just a stepping stone for me to actually get to this point, because without being pushed through the flames I wouldn't have risen from my own ashes. I know that right now i am not ready for a relationship, especially not one with a former flame. but i do want it so desperately that it agitates me to pain. Nothing will be the same with anyone one else and that makes me sad. it's like when you have high end wine and then you switch to beer. I would rather be left with the memory and the sweetness then dilute it with some shitty cheap replacement just to get me drunk enough to forget. It wouldn't be fair to try to love someone else now, not when I can see his eyes every time I close my own, now when i can hear him and feel him. It wouldn't be fair at all. I don't know when this will end but hopefully it happens soon because my threshold for pain is not as high as it used to be and my tolerance for heart break has also disappeared. I don't want a life without the type of passion and love that can shatter worlds. I will settle for nothing less then whirlwind romance and all that good shit because i have had it once and I know it is real.     

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

Chapter 8: Pussy Power

I'm super worried about my cats. like I didn't think about them being given away this whole process. I wasn't scared of anything accept where they are going to go. I guess I tried to keep myself preoccupy my time with getting rid of old clothes and washing everything and packing. I still have to clean my makeup brushes and organize all my art supplies.It stresses me out honestly. I fell in love with these cats and they have been the biggest blessing I've received so far. and now they might not go with a family that i trust they'll probably have to go to some people that I don't know and I'll never be able to see them again or visit them or anything they'll just be a memory gone in the wind.I thought everything would just fall into place. I'm not ready to let them go. I feel like a mom leaving her kids. I bonded with those weird little monsters I can't just leave them. but when you love something you are supposed to let it go, but its really hard.


 i know they'll be living a better life and I should  be happy that they'll be happy. I have to return library books and finalize when I leave with my stupid dad.  mean he's okay I'm just going to spend the entire ride to Irvine being interrogated about my mom 
and I really hate that because he puts me in a bad head space.he always turns her into a villain when we talk to each other and all I want to do is fix our own estranged relationship. His relationship with me doesn't have anything to do with my mom. my mom hardly ever talks about him,so why should I have to listen to him complain. they have been broken up for like three years, so I really don't care which parent is better. he's been doing that for years and I am really gullible so I believe like everything and then it just fucks up the relationship I have built with my mom. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest the only good part about this is that I have a job lined up already but i'm probably going to go to community college before I transfer to UC Irvine.  today isn't the best on the worrying front, but I got a lot done. I donated like three bags of clothes and I mailed out some makeup samples to friends and family. There's still so much that needs to be done before everything is finalized.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.

Holy F*ckin' Sh*t

So I got onto my blog today and there were 25 hits yesterday. I am beyond excited because the most I would get in a spam of a few days would be 5 hits at best. even at 5 I would freak out tbh and it would be like "i am the greatest blogger in the world and everyone else can suck my balls." Thank you guys for looking at my blog so much and enjoying my sad life. I mean I have finally been approved for adsense and now you guys are hitting up this blog like I guest starred on broad city. {totally kidding there would be like way more views if that was the case.} but yeah, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and it really does mean alot to me. I was worried that blogging was going to be a dying media with all the youtubers and everything and vlogs and shit.But to be brutally honest I am way too poor to get a cool camera and spend time editing my face. so yeah I'm really glad you guys read this and I am going to be moving soon so I might not be posting as regularly so all y'all nosey viewers might have to wait.  

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable. 

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.

Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me