Life

I've been doing a lot of thinking in circles to the point where people are tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again. the truth is a lot of what I've been going through seems to have catapulted my character development. I'm sad a lot of the time. mostly do to loneliness, some days i feel like I can't trust my emotions some days i want to be the most fabulous, the bell of the ball, but I feel anchored and not in the good way. I feel like my friends well my ONe friend in particular makes me feel bogged down and tired, ever since i welcomed her back into my life everything has sort of gone side ways. not saying i didn't have a lot of fun, but it's gotten to the point where listening to her talk makes me angry, her pitch makes me sad, when she talks about things i am immediately withdrawing back into myself. I cant leave totally. I wanted to make it right since she had blamed me for our separation the first time, but that wasn't my fault and she knows it, she just wants to eat away at me until i can absolve her guilt.

Im sad that one of the binding threads of our  friendship was her older sibling I  had felt more kindred to them then to her BUT that relationship is ruined since i revealed my feelings to them and they turned me away like a leper and then proceeded to stop talking to me as well as hanging out with me. I had felt more kindred with them since before the first time we stopped talking. However it plagues me with guilt to be just another person that abandons her. But at the same time I am only responsible for my emotional needs and so far no matter how often she whines about us fixing our friendship or her changing to make it better it always lulls into the same pattern of her being selfish and needy and clinging onto me like a child clings onto their mother's apron. I feel overwhelmed when I am with her and not int the good way. usually in the I need a beer and a nap way. she jammers on about herself and her family and her books and shows and her feelings and needs and expectations without ever seeming to have the time to listen to mine, waiting to speak, asking how i am doing as a pure courteshy.Our friendship has been built off of enabling and toxicity.

I'm tired of being nice cool jade and letting things go when i really need to let her go. I keep hearing people tell me that i need to make new friends and i know they're right, i'm just too scared and lazy to put in the work. I have become comfortable in my poisonous routine. i know i have to move on but i want the universe to do it for me instead of having to actually say anything. I dont want to be held responsible for this not workign or not being a good friend. some days she's the best friend i could have had other days i feel sorry for her, my mood is shot in the face and i am lulling to sleep while she talks. i wish the gods would just make this all go away. fastforward me another like 6 years so I can meet the right people and go to events and never feel the immediate buzz kill of some obnoxious clingy child that freaks out whenever something goes wrong. It is almost manipulative.