Fucking Aquarius

There's something I've always wanted to be ever since I was a little girl besides being loved romantically, I've wanted to be like a Queen B. I wanted to be so hot and feared. I wanted to be the stereo-typically gorgeous bombshell that left bodies in their wake. that's all I've wanted more than anything. I used to feel like if i was that person my life would be smoother. but no matter what mask i wear i'm still going to be the same person, spiteful, insecure, wary, those emotions surfaced recently being in a weird emotional situation with someone i used to care about deeply. it's like they amplified the feelings of being lost, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, undateable. I feel it every time i hear their name or see them or talk to them via text it just feels hopeless. and i have this nagging to just cut out and run from them, I'm just confused and scared and I'm still that chubby little girl with a mountain of hair and big glasses scuttling along undetected. like she'll never die until i kill her myself. It trips me out because I used to think "man i could never lose this person they're like my right arm i need them i adore them." but at this point I dread hearing from them, I don't want to be in any kind of social setting with them, I wish to disappear from them completely.

There is another part of me that is just angry. I'm angry that I let them in, I'm angry that I lowered my standards and my guard. I'm angry that this happened in the first place, I don't like that they got that close but thank god they've never seen me cry. I want them to feel everything that they've made me feel. All of it no chaser, the insecurity the self doubt the confusion the lost lonely unwanted feeling. I want tthem to see what they've done and how it hurt me. I want the realization i want to see it. i dont want the half assed "im sorry you felt this way." apology that I got. I want the "i'm sorry fro everything." this whole thing just makes me feel ugly. I haven't felt ugly since the 6th grade when i was a 180 pound fucking 5'5 wad of acne wearing my dads clothes to school. Currently I'm like 140/150 and 5'8 but I still feel the need to be skinnier. I feel like my face isn't as nice as i thought it was even though my skin cleared up so drastically. I had a night mare the other night about going on a date and the person wasnt into me so we ended up going to a speed dating club. we separated and they found someone they wanted to talk to but i couldn't find anyone. I ended up meeting a group of girls who ended up heckling me out of the club saying things like "oh how funny the ugly duckling really thought she turned into a swan." as i cried out of the club.

 I feel like thats true. The ugly duckling really didn't change. no matter how thin I get or how much makeup i wear its still going to be in there that little girl who got teased and pushed around by boys while the pretty girls got love notes on their desks. I dont know it's just been such a blow and I am still trying to recover and usually i point the energy inward like "how can I prevent something like this from happening again?" "how can i avoid having my heart broken?" "how can I deal with non shitty guys who are actually going to date me instead of fucking with my feelings and treating me like a girlfriend before they puss out and treat it like it was all in my head?" It's like they're always afraid of me like I'm some medusa some monster in a crevice some where. I'm so hurt, a lot of the time i have to shove it down so i dont look crazy so I continue to be cool Jade, Jade the cool girl who doesn't let her emotions get the best of her like other girls. Jade's cool not like them they're crazy. well I've got news for you Jade's CRazy and she represses her emotions because if you saw what was in this bag you'd run away/ But what good does being cool jade actually do ? when you'd be perfect for someone and they ride you into the ground and then you try to distance yourself and they show up again. coming back with the "when are we going to hang out?" text at 11pm
Like dude probably never, ou kicked my heart in the cudder and now you want to go back to everything like it's all peachy and i have no consequences for my shitty actions and fucking with people's feelings because i like attention is just something i do this is just who i am you cant be mad at me yadadadadadada like no YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT AND WRITE IT OFF LIKE IT'S A PERSONALITY QUIRK. I'm done, I'm not here for it and I'm not here for torturing myself. fucking playing songs for me about secret boyfriends and calling me out for keeping you a secret then playing it off like a joke and running away with your tail tucked in-between your legs when I out my feelings FUCK YOU ENTIRELY. If this was another person and I told them this happened to me they would be like wow what a dick but since its you I have to fucking swallow it up like an asshole. I keep running into assholes who are too scared to love me. fucking dicks running around trying me out for a spin and running away when they know they cant fucking handle it. you shouldnt have given it a test run YOU FUCK. then sending me a 5 page bullshit letter about how you didnt mean for it to be this way because you thought i was playing. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND YOU GOT SCARED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO REAL! you can eat all of my ass my entire ass and I HATE YOU. I wish i said no when you asked for my number. I wish I never let you in. I wish it never got this far. I should've listened to my mom. Everyone thought we ere dating because of the shit you would pull, hell i even thought we were going to date because of that bullshit but no you puss out because fuckign reasons and if i leave you YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASSHOLE if i leave you're going to play victim and be like 'she only wanted me for herself not because she cared about me.' 'she wasn't a real friend.' or blame it on yourself your physical form when its not even about that it's because you're a poisonous emotionally crippled monster and you drudge up negative feelings that i tried to bury a long time ago SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. like you make me crazy like sometimes i even feel like blaming myself like maybe it was me maybe i was ignoring some signs that it was one sided NOOP because you'd give both. youd go from NO to YES then settle in maybe and continue to fuck with me. fuck you for that. I'm a simple motherfucker, i operate on very basic levels. I don't do well with mixed signals because they mix up my emotions. BLACK AND WHITE RED AND BLUE simple clean cut fucking signals and you live in a fucking vat of grey paint because you're an artsy hipster piece of shit and you just fucking suck you just do shitty shitty bullshit. and fuck you for that all of it!