Fucking Aquarius

There's something I've always wanted to be ever since I was a little girl besides being loved romantically, I've wanted to be like a Queen B. I wanted to be so hot and feared. I wanted to be the stereo-typically gorgeous bombshell that left bodies in their wake. that's all I've wanted more than anything. I used to feel like if i was that person my life would be smoother. but no matter what mask i wear i'm still going to be the same person, spiteful, insecure, wary, those emotions surfaced recently being in a weird emotional situation with someone i used to care about deeply. it's like they amplified the feelings of being lost, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, undateable. I feel it every time i hear their name or see them or talk to them via text it just feels hopeless. and i have this nagging to just cut out and run from them, I'm just confused and scared and I'm still that chubby little girl with a mountain of hair and big glasses scuttling along undetected. like she'll never die until i kill her myself. It trips me out because I used to think "man i could never lose this person they're like my right arm i need them i adore them." but at this point I dread hearing from them, I don't want to be in any kind of social setting with them, I wish to disappear from them completely.

There is another part of me that is just angry. I'm angry that I let them in, I'm angry that I lowered my standards and my guard. I'm angry that this happened in the first place, I don't like that they got that close but thank god they've never seen me cry. I want them to feel everything that they've made me feel. All of it no chaser, the insecurity the self doubt the confusion the lost lonely unwanted feeling. I want tthem to see what they've done and how it hurt me. I want the realization i want to see it. i dont want the half assed "im sorry you felt this way." apology that I got. I want the "i'm sorry fro everything." this whole thing just makes me feel ugly. I haven't felt ugly since the 6th grade when i was a 180 pound fucking 5'5 wad of acne wearing my dads clothes to school. Currently I'm like 140/150 and 5'8 but I still feel the need to be skinnier. I feel like my face isn't as nice as i thought it was even though my skin cleared up so drastically. I had a night mare the other night about going on a date and the person wasnt into me so we ended up going to a speed dating club. we separated and they found someone they wanted to talk to but i couldn't find anyone. I ended up meeting a group of girls who ended up heckling me out of the club saying things like "oh how funny the ugly duckling really thought she turned into a swan." as i cried out of the club.

 I feel like thats true. The ugly duckling really didn't change. no matter how thin I get or how much makeup i wear its still going to be in there that little girl who got teased and pushed around by boys while the pretty girls got love notes on their desks. I dont know it's just been such a blow and I am still trying to recover and usually i point the energy inward like "how can I prevent something like this from happening again?" "how can i avoid having my heart broken?" "how can I deal with non shitty guys who are actually going to date me instead of fucking with my feelings and treating me like a girlfriend before they puss out and treat it like it was all in my head?" It's like they're always afraid of me like I'm some medusa some monster in a crevice some where. I'm so hurt, a lot of the time i have to shove it down so i dont look crazy so I continue to be cool Jade, Jade the cool girl who doesn't let her emotions get the best of her like other girls. Jade's cool not like them they're crazy. well I've got news for you Jade's CRazy and she represses her emotions because if you saw what was in this bag you'd run away/ But what good does being cool jade actually do ? when you'd be perfect for someone and they ride you into the ground and then you try to distance yourself and they show up again. coming back with the "when are we going to hang out?" text at 11pm
Like dude probably never, ou kicked my heart in the cudder and now you want to go back to everything like it's all peachy and i have no consequences for my shitty actions and fucking with people's feelings because i like attention is just something i do this is just who i am you cant be mad at me yadadadadadada like no YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT AND WRITE IT OFF LIKE IT'S A PERSONALITY QUIRK. I'm done, I'm not here for it and I'm not here for torturing myself. fucking playing songs for me about secret boyfriends and calling me out for keeping you a secret then playing it off like a joke and running away with your tail tucked in-between your legs when I out my feelings FUCK YOU ENTIRELY. If this was another person and I told them this happened to me they would be like wow what a dick but since its you I have to fucking swallow it up like an asshole. I keep running into assholes who are too scared to love me. fucking dicks running around trying me out for a spin and running away when they know they cant fucking handle it. you shouldnt have given it a test run YOU FUCK. then sending me a 5 page bullshit letter about how you didnt mean for it to be this way because you thought i was playing. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND YOU GOT SCARED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO REAL! you can eat all of my ass my entire ass and I HATE YOU. I wish i said no when you asked for my number. I wish I never let you in. I wish it never got this far. I should've listened to my mom. Everyone thought we ere dating because of the shit you would pull, hell i even thought we were going to date because of that bullshit but no you puss out because fuckign reasons and if i leave you YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASSHOLE if i leave you're going to play victim and be like 'she only wanted me for herself not because she cared about me.' 'she wasn't a real friend.' or blame it on yourself your physical form when its not even about that it's because you're a poisonous emotionally crippled monster and you drudge up negative feelings that i tried to bury a long time ago SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. like you make me crazy like sometimes i even feel like blaming myself like maybe it was me maybe i was ignoring some signs that it was one sided NOOP because you'd give both. youd go from NO to YES then settle in maybe and continue to fuck with me. fuck you for that. I'm a simple motherfucker, i operate on very basic levels. I don't do well with mixed signals because they mix up my emotions. BLACK AND WHITE RED AND BLUE simple clean cut fucking signals and you live in a fucking vat of grey paint because you're an artsy hipster piece of shit and you just fucking suck you just do shitty shitty bullshit. and fuck you for that all of it!

You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

Chapter 22: Retrograde?

SO, from the 18th to june 11th mercury is going to be in retrograde. Now I believe in horoscopes and magic and shit so save your eyerolls and scoffs for someone else. the effects of retrograde consist of ; the reappearance of ex's, and old friends. Around this time people become forgetfull and they don't think really clearly however.the point of tonight's entry isn't to give you an astrology lesson, it's to give you some warnings as to where this post is headed. So tonight I woke up from a nap feeling kind of shitty y'know like i was in an air plane terminal on those moving sidewalks. and I was going through tumblr as I usually do and I felt a pang of loneliness. I had been feeling sort of like a fish out of water for the past month or so and i have been stuck in this nasty rut ever since I have started working. so I prayed. {lol funny because the last entry I said I wasn't going to pray or believe in magic, well jokes on you fuckers 'cause I'm still doing both}anyway. so it was a simple prayer. I asked for friends who were like me and could keep me company and have fun with, then I sort of wished for an ideal dude which is basically Tom Hardy, y'know rugged and scary and fear inspiring but still has a soft spot for yours truly. And then a friend of mine that stopped talking to me for a while hit me up on facebook because i took a picture in one of her shirts and she wants to come get it back. but the whole time we were talking it was cold and distant and sort of like two divorced parents schedueling the drop off times for their kids. but after that little blurb I was feeling kind of off, but at the same time I could have just been being sensitive because a lot of stuff gets lost in translation over text and I always think people are mad at me. but anyway i felt super disappointed because whenever people re-appear in my life recently its been like trying to wear pants that are too tight. and then I got to thinking {like I usually do} that I should move on in other things and stop holding onto this torch that I am holding for my former flame because their return could be equal parts sad and dissapointing. Plus I'm sure every one is sick of me going on about him anyway. but honestly it would be like trying to wear the old dress from your prom that doesnt quiet fit the same way even though you can zip it up.It'll be uncomfortable and terrible. if I want to be uncomfotable i'll just watch Japanese game shows or look at my middle school pictures. oh and besides that i realized i am very boring. I work and come home and make weird online purchases. I'm pretty sure my masterbation routine is getting stale. that's how fucking boring i have become.It's like I am an old person. ITS FUCKING TERRIBLE and I suck at making new friends so all that's going to happen is i am going to stay in the same routine unbothered and probably order an XBOX so I can be alone and sad and fangirl over the character design of some videogame that's better than my life.

Chapter 21: Crow Eater.

I have to go on this bus trip tomorrow in LA and I really don't want to. i hate taking the bus but everyone thinks it's because I think I'm too good to ride the bus but I'm scared because I don't want to get lost, I'm like a tiny baby. But instead of planning the bus route and dealing with what's actually bothering me I'm watching The Crow, and avoiding my issues. But I mean fawning over hot grunge Brandon Lee is way more interesting than thinking about having to go to LA and coming back home on the bus. Usually when I have little bouts of anxiety like this over tiny trivial things like getting lost and murdered or losing my job or spending too much money, I used to pray.
 I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in  exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings. I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past..   

Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be