Fucking Aquarius

There's something I've always wanted to be ever since I was a little girl besides being loved romantically, I've wanted to be like a Queen B. I wanted to be so hot and feared. I wanted to be the stereo-typically gorgeous bombshell that left bodies in their wake. that's all I've wanted more than anything. I used to feel like if i was that person my life would be smoother. but no matter what mask i wear i'm still going to be the same person, spiteful, insecure, wary, those emotions surfaced recently being in a weird emotional situation with someone i used to care about deeply. it's like they amplified the feelings of being lost, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, undateable. I feel it every time i hear their name or see them or talk to them via text it just feels hopeless. and i have this nagging to just cut out and run from them, I'm just confused and scared and I'm still that chubby little girl with a mountain of hair and big glasses scuttling along undetected. like she'll never die until i kill her myself. It trips me out because I used to think "man i could never lose this person they're like my right arm i need them i adore them." but at this point I dread hearing from them, I don't want to be in any kind of social setting with them, I wish to disappear from them completely.

There is another part of me that is just angry. I'm angry that I let them in, I'm angry that I lowered my standards and my guard. I'm angry that this happened in the first place, I don't like that they got that close but thank god they've never seen me cry. I want them to feel everything that they've made me feel. All of it no chaser, the insecurity the self doubt the confusion the lost lonely unwanted feeling. I want tthem to see what they've done and how it hurt me. I want the realization i want to see it. i dont want the half assed "im sorry you felt this way." apology that I got. I want the "i'm sorry fro everything." this whole thing just makes me feel ugly. I haven't felt ugly since the 6th grade when i was a 180 pound fucking 5'5 wad of acne wearing my dads clothes to school. Currently I'm like 140/150 and 5'8 but I still feel the need to be skinnier. I feel like my face isn't as nice as i thought it was even though my skin cleared up so drastically. I had a night mare the other night about going on a date and the person wasnt into me so we ended up going to a speed dating club. we separated and they found someone they wanted to talk to but i couldn't find anyone. I ended up meeting a group of girls who ended up heckling me out of the club saying things like "oh how funny the ugly duckling really thought she turned into a swan." as i cried out of the club.

 I feel like thats true. The ugly duckling really didn't change. no matter how thin I get or how much makeup i wear its still going to be in there that little girl who got teased and pushed around by boys while the pretty girls got love notes on their desks. I dont know it's just been such a blow and I am still trying to recover and usually i point the energy inward like "how can I prevent something like this from happening again?" "how can i avoid having my heart broken?" "how can I deal with non shitty guys who are actually going to date me instead of fucking with my feelings and treating me like a girlfriend before they puss out and treat it like it was all in my head?" It's like they're always afraid of me like I'm some medusa some monster in a crevice some where. I'm so hurt, a lot of the time i have to shove it down so i dont look crazy so I continue to be cool Jade, Jade the cool girl who doesn't let her emotions get the best of her like other girls. Jade's cool not like them they're crazy. well I've got news for you Jade's CRazy and she represses her emotions because if you saw what was in this bag you'd run away/ But what good does being cool jade actually do ? when you'd be perfect for someone and they ride you into the ground and then you try to distance yourself and they show up again. coming back with the "when are we going to hang out?" text at 11pm
Like dude probably never, ou kicked my heart in the cudder and now you want to go back to everything like it's all peachy and i have no consequences for my shitty actions and fucking with people's feelings because i like attention is just something i do this is just who i am you cant be mad at me yadadadadadada like no YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT AND WRITE IT OFF LIKE IT'S A PERSONALITY QUIRK. I'm done, I'm not here for it and I'm not here for torturing myself. fucking playing songs for me about secret boyfriends and calling me out for keeping you a secret then playing it off like a joke and running away with your tail tucked in-between your legs when I out my feelings FUCK YOU ENTIRELY. If this was another person and I told them this happened to me they would be like wow what a dick but since its you I have to fucking swallow it up like an asshole. I keep running into assholes who are too scared to love me. fucking dicks running around trying me out for a spin and running away when they know they cant fucking handle it. you shouldnt have given it a test run YOU FUCK. then sending me a 5 page bullshit letter about how you didnt mean for it to be this way because you thought i was playing. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND YOU GOT SCARED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO REAL! you can eat all of my ass my entire ass and I HATE YOU. I wish i said no when you asked for my number. I wish I never let you in. I wish it never got this far. I should've listened to my mom. Everyone thought we ere dating because of the shit you would pull, hell i even thought we were going to date because of that bullshit but no you puss out because fuckign reasons and if i leave you YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASSHOLE if i leave you're going to play victim and be like 'she only wanted me for herself not because she cared about me.' 'she wasn't a real friend.' or blame it on yourself your physical form when its not even about that it's because you're a poisonous emotionally crippled monster and you drudge up negative feelings that i tried to bury a long time ago SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. like you make me crazy like sometimes i even feel like blaming myself like maybe it was me maybe i was ignoring some signs that it was one sided NOOP because you'd give both. youd go from NO to YES then settle in maybe and continue to fuck with me. fuck you for that. I'm a simple motherfucker, i operate on very basic levels. I don't do well with mixed signals because they mix up my emotions. BLACK AND WHITE RED AND BLUE simple clean cut fucking signals and you live in a fucking vat of grey paint because you're an artsy hipster piece of shit and you just fucking suck you just do shitty shitty bullshit. and fuck you for that all of it!

{Black}Girl Interupted

So I haven't been on in a while cause shit has really been hitting the fan. I've been looking for another job because working in Grocery isn't my jam. Like I was seconds away from going postal. there was only so much I could take in that industry like everyone was unhappy, pay and hours were getting cut left and right it was so messy. But besides that dealing with my mom was becoming more and more unbearable. In addition to that my depression had spiked to the point of noticeable symptoms, but I feel like no matter how hard it gets or how sad I am I can never catch a break. I hardly get any help at home with chores or food or anything domestic. I cant even ask for the money my dad sends me without there being some sort of argument even though it's technically my cash and I don't know where it goes cause whenever I ask about it there's this 1950's "Don't ask me about my business." shit that my mom likes to pull. I really get tired of this shit like I don't need to be this tired. and my mom likes to pull this "you're gonna take care of me one day right?" bull shit even though she hasn't been taking care of me since I turned 13. I've been taking care of her and dealing with being put through the emotional ringer. my main goal now is to be able to take care of myself because everything is such a mess like I cant see straight.

Like I have this fantasy right where I can live on my own in my own little apartment and pay my own rent, there's nobody there to lord anything over me, nobody there to make me feel like I need them to survive. It's just me, making breakfast in my underwear, mildly drunk off of mimosas with curlers in and maybe legally blonde, or sex and the city marathons playing in the background. Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe just me. it doesn't matter but i am content and safe and alone in my home writing or selling art doing something I love.Mostly not being sad is my goal. I want a fairytale ending, like I dug my way out of the sadness and on the other side is a partner, a home, loyal loving best friends, and everyone is happy with each other. I don't want to belong to her anymore. I want my freedom. there is no reason for me to live like a slave. There's no reason for me to be on the mercy of someone else who has more money than I do, and as God and the internet as my witness I will never be anyone's pet not now, not ever.

BLACK KIDS AREN'T PETTING ZOOS

so this thing happened at work and I couldn't do anything because i was working and i have to smile in these fake pig people's faces all the time. there was this kid like 15 feet away from me and he looked mixed or light skinned but he had non-black white passing friends and the kid had this pretty healthy little fro right and these little monster babies are fondling him and prodding him like he is a baby sheep and he just looks miseable like his soul is deflating as they prod and molest his little baby crown. and i had this gut feeling like i could feel the same thing he felt because I was that friend, that token black friend being poked at being examined like a frog on he dissection table.I was at the other side. I was the "how do you get your hair like that?" I was the "if i stick a pencil in your hair will it stay there?" or "can I touch your hair? it's so big!" that's uncool, uncomfortable and no body likes that shit. you don't see black people asking white people if we can touch their hair because they don't fucking want to. like looking in the face of that little pudding made me want to swoop in like fucking WONDERMIKO and shoo off the kids. Like dude furreal you guys are still on this "Let's fondle black people for kicks bullshit." we are not for your consumption dude. BACK THE FUCK UP. you cannot marvel at our features and then belittle those same features making the new black youth feel fetishized and unwanted at the same time. That's gross. but on another note I have started school and I am going mission college then i am transferring to Csun located in my home town of northridge CA but I have been thinking alot of old friends and people I otherwise no longer associate with and all of the people i have encountered in my life have an unhealthy view of black people. most of my friends have been WOC (women of color) either mexican or asian or native american or of mixed race and still these bitches often made it a point to confide in me their veiws on black men. by telling me they aren't attracted to them. first in foremost i can give negative to FUCKS about your relationship with black men. especially because their "nonattraction." is rooted in eurocentric ideals of beauty and attractiveness. second of all white dudes hold the record for sex related crimes and violence against women, and PA-LEASE don't come at me with that not all white guys shit. because the ones who aren't either racist trogladites, or sexually frustrated sociopaths, are obsessed with the EXOTIC. that means putting WOC on a pedestal based off of hypersexualized fetishized fantasies and notions of what it's like to date a {      } girl.  and it's fucking gross.you basically end up being sexy exotic furniture. I know from experience. But me personally I had never thought about who i was sexually attracted to in terms of race. everybody likes certain things; eye color, sense of humor, big dick, kindness, muscles ect ect. i had never sexually excluded anyone because I'm kind of a horny hyperromantic love starved fool who hopes for the fairytale ending which includes someone who cuddles me, touches my butt, and makes a mean breakfast. that's ALL I fucking looked for was love and acceptance and worship; not what racial criteria he had to meet. even though during my younger years i had a flavor of the month club mentality. but i was going through hormonal changes and i found many different types of men attractive. But to have people i care about and talk to look me in the face and tell me men of my culture aren't up to their fucking standards whilst they track pink dick like fucking military grade snipers is fucking beyond me. That's like me telling my lesbian friend i would never fall in love with a woman. Because I don't fucking know who my true love is yet. It could be a woman. she could be a fucking Mathematics major and she could turn out to be the love of my fucking life. My soulmate could be a Young black man who is studying temporarily at a community college before transferring to a HBUC who'd end up graduating subacumlaudy. My soulmate could fucking be some guy i met bagging groceries who's mixed.I am not going to limit my love to people because their culture or creed religion or background because if they eat pussy right and they know what to do when i;m sad or i've had a shitty day it doesn't fucking matter what their background is. what matters is that they treat you like a person instead of a mantle piece what matters is they don't make you feel like shit for not agreeing with them. as long as they are not abusive manipulative selfish people that's the fucking shit you need to worry about. not how dark they are or the history of struggle that their lineage had faced.  if anything you should hope for a black person to bless you with their presence. you're children will have the strength of survivors and mystics and heroes coursing through them. fuck people who are quick to say love is love, but correct it with "BUT I"M NOT REALLY INTO BLACK GUYS" because news flash bitch, black guys are like every other guy you've ever met. they play XBOX and talk shit to their friends and talk about boobs and ass and pussy and their crazy ex girlfriends. the only difference is they were built to withstand heat and struggle and probably have heard tons of people reject them based off of their beautiful skin. Being in an interracial relationship does not make you more special or more worthy than other black people and for my non black POC dating a black person does not make you less than, or belittle you, or mean you get an all access pass to appropriate black culture. what it does mean is that you're kids will be hot because they have african DNA and they'll have a better complexion then their nonblack counter part and you may have to actually learn about black people, black culture and black hair. WE ARE PEOPLE don't treat black people like some sort of alien race. just fucking don't. if you do I hope a hand in the shape of mine comes down from the sky and slaps the fucking shit out of you because you're being garbage.I fucking can't dude I just fucking can't . we live in a time where young black kids are being slaughtered like animals in record numbers and all your pretty little brain can think of is "I'm not into black guys, hey Miko is it true what they say about black dicks." GUESS WHAT BITCH I would;n't fucking know if it was true Because the last dick I saw was pink and ruined my life so don't ask me weird intrusive racial questions about black male genitalia. BEcause dick size is relative, just like the size of the labias and breasts we walk around with. ANd honestly do you think all black women simultaneously learn about black dick, or we all have to go look at eachothers parts to pass some ancient ritual. fuck outta here man that's so fucking icky.IF you are nonblack and friends with black people or dating black people don't subscribe to fucking stereotypes kid, educate yourselves and respect your peers. Don't be a fucking ass hat.

Chapter 17: Hi, I'm Jade and I'm super fucking insecure.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hate is a Strong Word {But I Really Really Really Don't Like You}

you ever have those spurts in time where you just feel angry? like something amidst the happy, bubble gum, heavy metal, pastel, playground of your mind something , something terrible was awaken? stirred up from its peaceful slumber? i call her vira.and vira is 600 pounds of fur and malevolent anger that builds and builds and builds until she erupts in my mind and i become hateful and vengeful and i want to shit talk and fight and start political debates. these debates could be about anything. it could be a response to that cute Latino guy at work trying to compliment your work ethic but instead saying "there needs to be more independent black women like you out there." bumping down his attractive points because now he sounds like a fuckboy, because little does he know that America is full of beautiful strong "independent" black women. and if i am the only one you've talked to in the span of the time you've been alive you need to diversify your circle or read a book mother fucker. other times Vira is exceptionally agitated is when she is told to calm down or to stop being so aggressive. especially by family members who completely devalue the affect of sharing your emotions and the cathartic release of pent up frustration through word of mouth. while those same family members continue to lose their own struggle against mental health because they don't want to "bother" anyone with their feelings or they don't want to talk about it because "no one understands them." wallowing in the same emo proverbial bullshit that they have been entrenched in since their early twenties. sometimes i get irritated when people ask me why i like to wear makeup and make it seem like the good thing to do is to not wear it holding it above you like its some bullshit prize to be "naturally beautiful." i feel like people hide behind stigma of makeup being used to hide flaws and assimilate into western bullshit beauty standards much like how i occasionally straighten my hair, which should be no bodies mother fucking business why i straighten it or how often i do it and i shouldn't be demonized because i am expressing the versatility of beautiful black hair. i can do what ever the fuck i want. god blessed me with this hair so i can do what ever i so please. i could fry it dye it, i could get locs , i could get a weave,. is that any one else's business? NO. should they have a say in it? FUCK NO. if I wnt opinions on how i look mother fucker I'll ask, I don't do this for other people. i do this for me. I have to wake up and look at me in the morning. I am my star player. i'm the real mvp in my own life. I don't need the approval of others as pertaining to my aesthetics. I could shave my head bald Right fucking now just because and i would still see myself as a beautiful bitch, because it's true. and no one can take that from me. I'm tired of guys and their bullshit about hair and make up. it's like "I don't want to hear about how you feel about black lipstick nigga. I didn't buy it because you wanted it. I don't complain about your hair nuts don't talk about my false eyelashes. i want to feel like an anime princess right now step the fuck off ol' crusty ass nigga." I don't have time dude. I really don't. I'm not living my life for other people, I'm just including them on the journey they don't have to be there. this isn't a what makes them happy party. I don't care if i get called out for having tattoos or piercing my nose, having natural hair, having processed hair. everything seems to be a contest over whats better for you and whats mainstream and what you should be doing. that just leaves people pissed off empty and insecure. and i hate the phrase independent black woman because i feel like its disingenuous. they don't really think I'm any different for working hard, they don't respect me and my goals, and those same people are going to turn around and ask if its okay to say nigga. I'm not down for that shit, i feel like its patronizing. its like someone pinching your cheeks and going "well aren't you an independent little black woman you think you're going to make a change in a patriarchal white male society oh that's cute here's a cookie." as they slap your ass and call you a red bone. its all dog shit man.its like i ended up being a stereotype by trying to fight stereotypes and it make me sick.  it's all sick. the whole fucking thing. sometimes I get really sad, because people make me so angry it hurts and it's always people that you're cool with and close too. strangers dont piss me off as muck as the people I fuck with

Chapter 15 :Batshit

It took me a while to understand that i was actually bat shit crazy. I mean who else would skip out on going to college to become a writer? who else would painstakingly create characters and dialogue and a reason for an imaginary world to exist? who else would remain hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't want them? who else would believe in horoscopes and tarot cards as well as the one true god? this girl right here. who else wants to go against the grain and change their family legacy?  if that means that i am crazy i want to stay this way. i would rather be crazy than weak and boring. I mean to everyone that's ever been called crazy or feels like they are nuts. even to the people who feel like they are too wild and too ridicluos to be loved or to have someone that's on the same wave length as them. I'm sorry to say this but you wont find them, ever. you will never find yourself in another human being. you will find parts of yourself, you will find someone similar. but you will never have someone match your intensity. you will meet people who are close enough or good enough but you'll never find another you. do not get disappointed when someone you like, love, or even related to tells you you;re out of control, or abnormal, or weird. you don't have to fight it you probably are being out of control at that moment. but know that you are still okay. you are still worth love and affection. you are working on it, you're getting better. Any one who tells you you arent better is an asshole and they can go fuck themselves if someone you care about leaves you or you have to leave them, neither of you is the villain or the hero. you are both neutral entities even if you did tell them that they were a hypocritical narcissistic sociopathological asshole. there are no bad guys and no good guys.there are people you agree with and disagree with. if you see it that way instead of like a marvel movie life will be smoother. feeling crazy isn't bad.it's not easy, its difficult, it'll make you want to stop living every time you feel out of control, but it's fun, and exciting, and when it's good its damn good.stop trying to be less insane. "seldom do well behaved women make history."

Chapter 13: Tinder for Beginners

.

So I have tinder account. I've heard a lot about it online and on tv on an almost daily basis. so I decided to check it out and I feel like I'm fucking famous. like I've talked to maybe 6-7 guys withing the span of like a night, and then it just continued random dudes just talking to me and starting conversations and actually sounding like human beings instead of like penis pic perverts. I had to ask someone to please not send me pictures of his no-no zone. I did however see a slightly discolored pink dick, like the tip and a quarter of the shaft was all rosy and precious but the rest was tan. so I was like what the fuck are you going out and tanning your parts with a sock on the tip. the only deal is like half the guys seem to all have the same name like my generation's full of Nick's and Aiden's and Matt's. but the bright side is I am not dating in the generation where all the boys are named Edward, Jacob, Peeta and Gale. I've been a little stir crazy because I am bored and I want to shop but I haven't gotten hired any where yet so I cant go through my full on retail therapy like I want to and I'm getting close to my period so I am agitated and everything makes me want to punch things. It doesn't make it any better when you listen to Tyler the creator cause then you feel like going to your ex;s house and slashing all their tires.   the thing is though I'm starting to get tired of talking about it and I can tell that the people around me are tired of hearing about it and its hard cause I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices their eyes glaze over and they act like I shouldn't complain about anything and I should be lucky that someone was interested in the first place, or that I shouldn't even care. I don't know what they want me to think or do. I help everyone with their bullshit problems and I don't complain and I actually want to help instead of regurgitating hallmark cards and break up bumper stickers about getting back on the horse and all that good shit

 I cant stand it sometimes because everyone around me bottles everything up and I can see it affecting them but when I speak my mind and act like a person with emotions and struggles people bristle up and get uncomfortable. like excuse me for being butt hurt over someone who said that I was the love of their life and I am sorry that i am making you uncomfortable because i'm not swallowing up everything and pretending its fine and I'm sorry you'd rather ship me off to a therapist then talk to your own fucking daughter, I'm sorry having conversations is so burdensome and I'm sorry that trying to keep a healthy dialogue between mother and daughter is inconveniencing you. I wouldn't have this problem if you had saved money when I was a kid and sent me off somewhere where you wouldn't have to deal with me because I      know you don't want to. you'd rather curl up with your phone and disappear in your own private zone because raising your crops on your game is more important than raising a successful adult. I'm just getting sick of being stuck in the same enviornment. it's like my mom wants to pretend that's she's supportive and condusive but I feel trapped I feel like she's trying to keep me here. she's so afraid of everything that I do and I cant deal with all her issues and foibles because I have my own. I am my own person with hopes, dreams, ideas , heartbreak and aspirations.the only reason I am staying here is because I cant afford anything else and to be honest I like being by myself because at least then I would be the only one worrying about how I look. She's so afraid of everything I do, like my hair and my careers. sometimes I regret pulling out of going into the military because then I would be somewhere else somewhere I wouldn't be smothered  and neglected at the same time. I don't even know how that works. it's like the closer I get to leaving I get yanked back in with psuedo affection and motherly good intent and then once she knows I'm not going anywhere she goes back to being the same person. its like having a tumor. I just want to be free and to not feel this dragging horrible feeling. and then on top of that my grandma is moving out but every time she talks about it she makes it look like we are trying to kick her out or we want her to leave.so there's this weird hanging in the air.like she's being treated so poorly when we hardly speak and we all just exist on the same wave length without bothering each other, 

I just want to run away everyday now/ I want to run off into the horizon, go to the beach alone without anyone just by myself. I want to take a dance class, I want to have really hot sex with one of the guys on my tinder, I want to get tattoos and get false eyelashes and stiletto nails. I want to scream into the pale blue yander. i want to feel like a savage. I want to be a wild girl with weird tattoos and the flattest tone stomach and little to no clothes. I want to rip out of this shell and ravage the civilized world. I want to be the Samantha of my friend group not the Carrie, I want to do naked cart wheels on venice beach. O feel like i want everything, but i'm out of reach of everything.