Chapter 17: Hi, I'm Jade and I'm super fucking insecure.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Lovers

Do you ever have one of those days when you can peacefully recall an ex and just think of how much you miss them or how much you want to help them, you don't expect anything in return you simply feel like a guardian and want to tell them things that you think could help in the future, you don't really want them to love you or take you back you just want to see them get out of their own way since you've sat alone replaying their former actions in your head over and over again. You just feel like doing nice things for them without receiving gratification or any type of thanks for what you did because you can remember all the conversations about what they like so vividly in your head. Even if you cant be there when they get the gifts, they don't even have to know it was you.

I know it sounds really creepy and really stalker-ish. you can just see the color of their eyes when you blank out in the shower or nostalgia takes over and you remember how happy they looked. you go over everything in your head with no rage or ill will you just want to see them do well because they were so unhappy when they left and you could feel it. you could feel everything. it was like having two brains occupying one space, then separating but you can still hear the vibrations of the other soul that used to be so entwined with yours. But now that soul is free and you just want to see it exist peacefully and grow instead of continuing to vibrate in turmoil and the emotions that still haunt you.

there isn't a lot that I can do to make these feelings stop so now I just let them exist and swirl into soothing spirals in my brain. I can't change him or how he thinks. I can't do anything anymore it wasn't my job in the first place. he can either do his own growing or stay the same way. but every time I see a flannel I want to buy it on instinct and send it over. sometimes when i think of being successful in the future I think of buying him the car he always talked about and having it waiting for him in front of his home. He doesn't have to know it was me. the anger stage has withered away into calm indifference. my productivity and the work that I need to do has smothered all the rage since I had somewhere to place it. I am really glad that that rage existed, if it didn't i would be wollowing in my feelings instead of moving forward. the anger made me want to do something. it made me feel something. I didn't know that I could break the hold of the numbness inside of me. I mean what 18 year old can say they finished writing two books and they are working on a third? what 18 year old can say they are editing their own manuscripts.

then i sit here in a good mood feeling all good about myself and zen in my life. feeling like i am ready to text or talk or start a conversation but all you can see happening is that dumb nigga saying something stupid because he might not be in the same mental place that i am in, thus bringing me back to the anger stage feeling like you want to break all the windows in his car like that ghetto chick in the movie that got cheated on. i go from feeling like everything is zen and everyone is forgiven then i just end up back in beast mode over something stupid that isn't my fault because some boy cant get over his own feelings and blames me for his internalized anger issues and daddy problems. i want to text at least once, but in my head i already know how that shit is going to go and then i'll just end up saying something hateful and fucked up because the dragon had been awaken giving him something else to hold onto in that little rage pocket in his heart like the fucking american psycho.

it makes me crazy tht i know how the scenario is going to go because i wan to take that risk. that just sounds like a recurring theme, i keep wanting to take stupid ass risks even though i know how its going to end. 

The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!