Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

The Lovers

Do you ever have one of those days when you can peacefully recall an ex and just think of how much you miss them or how much you want to help them, you don't expect anything in return you simply feel like a guardian and want to tell them things that you think could help in the future, you don't really want them to love you or take you back you just want to see them get out of their own way since you've sat alone replaying their former actions in your head over and over again. You just feel like doing nice things for them without receiving gratification or any type of thanks for what you did because you can remember all the conversations about what they like so vividly in your head. Even if you cant be there when they get the gifts, they don't even have to know it was you.

I know it sounds really creepy and really stalker-ish. you can just see the color of their eyes when you blank out in the shower or nostalgia takes over and you remember how happy they looked. you go over everything in your head with no rage or ill will you just want to see them do well because they were so unhappy when they left and you could feel it. you could feel everything. it was like having two brains occupying one space, then separating but you can still hear the vibrations of the other soul that used to be so entwined with yours. But now that soul is free and you just want to see it exist peacefully and grow instead of continuing to vibrate in turmoil and the emotions that still haunt you.

there isn't a lot that I can do to make these feelings stop so now I just let them exist and swirl into soothing spirals in my brain. I can't change him or how he thinks. I can't do anything anymore it wasn't my job in the first place. he can either do his own growing or stay the same way. but every time I see a flannel I want to buy it on instinct and send it over. sometimes when i think of being successful in the future I think of buying him the car he always talked about and having it waiting for him in front of his home. He doesn't have to know it was me. the anger stage has withered away into calm indifference. my productivity and the work that I need to do has smothered all the rage since I had somewhere to place it. I am really glad that that rage existed, if it didn't i would be wollowing in my feelings instead of moving forward. the anger made me want to do something. it made me feel something. I didn't know that I could break the hold of the numbness inside of me. I mean what 18 year old can say they finished writing two books and they are working on a third? what 18 year old can say they are editing their own manuscripts.

then i sit here in a good mood feeling all good about myself and zen in my life. feeling like i am ready to text or talk or start a conversation but all you can see happening is that dumb nigga saying something stupid because he might not be in the same mental place that i am in, thus bringing me back to the anger stage feeling like you want to break all the windows in his car like that ghetto chick in the movie that got cheated on. i go from feeling like everything is zen and everyone is forgiven then i just end up back in beast mode over something stupid that isn't my fault because some boy cant get over his own feelings and blames me for his internalized anger issues and daddy problems. i want to text at least once, but in my head i already know how that shit is going to go and then i'll just end up saying something hateful and fucked up because the dragon had been awaken giving him something else to hold onto in that little rage pocket in his heart like the fucking american psycho.

it makes me crazy tht i know how the scenario is going to go because i wan to take that risk. that just sounds like a recurring theme, i keep wanting to take stupid ass risks even though i know how its going to end. 

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.