The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!

Chapter 8: Pussy Power

I'm super worried about my cats. like I didn't think about them being given away this whole process. I wasn't scared of anything accept where they are going to go. I guess I tried to keep myself preoccupy my time with getting rid of old clothes and washing everything and packing. I still have to clean my makeup brushes and organize all my art supplies.It stresses me out honestly. I fell in love with these cats and they have been the biggest blessing I've received so far. and now they might not go with a family that i trust they'll probably have to go to some people that I don't know and I'll never be able to see them again or visit them or anything they'll just be a memory gone in the wind.I thought everything would just fall into place. I'm not ready to let them go. I feel like a mom leaving her kids. I bonded with those weird little monsters I can't just leave them. but when you love something you are supposed to let it go, but its really hard.


 i know they'll be living a better life and I should  be happy that they'll be happy. I have to return library books and finalize when I leave with my stupid dad.  mean he's okay I'm just going to spend the entire ride to Irvine being interrogated about my mom 
and I really hate that because he puts me in a bad head space.he always turns her into a villain when we talk to each other and all I want to do is fix our own estranged relationship. His relationship with me doesn't have anything to do with my mom. my mom hardly ever talks about him,so why should I have to listen to him complain. they have been broken up for like three years, so I really don't care which parent is better. he's been doing that for years and I am really gullible so I believe like everything and then it just fucks up the relationship I have built with my mom. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest the only good part about this is that I have a job lined up already but i'm probably going to go to community college before I transfer to UC Irvine.  today isn't the best on the worrying front, but I got a lot done. I donated like three bags of clothes and I mailed out some makeup samples to friends and family. There's still so much that needs to be done before everything is finalized.

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.