#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY