Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.
ANYWAYYSSSS.
i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."
I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything
but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable.
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the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it. 
It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying.
it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me