Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable.