Chapter 13: Tinder for Beginners

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So I have tinder account. I've heard a lot about it online and on tv on an almost daily basis. so I decided to check it out and I feel like I'm fucking famous. like I've talked to maybe 6-7 guys withing the span of like a night, and then it just continued random dudes just talking to me and starting conversations and actually sounding like human beings instead of like penis pic perverts. I had to ask someone to please not send me pictures of his no-no zone. I did however see a slightly discolored pink dick, like the tip and a quarter of the shaft was all rosy and precious but the rest was tan. so I was like what the fuck are you going out and tanning your parts with a sock on the tip. the only deal is like half the guys seem to all have the same name like my generation's full of Nick's and Aiden's and Matt's. but the bright side is I am not dating in the generation where all the boys are named Edward, Jacob, Peeta and Gale. I've been a little stir crazy because I am bored and I want to shop but I haven't gotten hired any where yet so I cant go through my full on retail therapy like I want to and I'm getting close to my period so I am agitated and everything makes me want to punch things. It doesn't make it any better when you listen to Tyler the creator cause then you feel like going to your ex;s house and slashing all their tires.   the thing is though I'm starting to get tired of talking about it and I can tell that the people around me are tired of hearing about it and its hard cause I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices their eyes glaze over and they act like I shouldn't complain about anything and I should be lucky that someone was interested in the first place, or that I shouldn't even care. I don't know what they want me to think or do. I help everyone with their bullshit problems and I don't complain and I actually want to help instead of regurgitating hallmark cards and break up bumper stickers about getting back on the horse and all that good shit

 I cant stand it sometimes because everyone around me bottles everything up and I can see it affecting them but when I speak my mind and act like a person with emotions and struggles people bristle up and get uncomfortable. like excuse me for being butt hurt over someone who said that I was the love of their life and I am sorry that i am making you uncomfortable because i'm not swallowing up everything and pretending its fine and I'm sorry you'd rather ship me off to a therapist then talk to your own fucking daughter, I'm sorry having conversations is so burdensome and I'm sorry that trying to keep a healthy dialogue between mother and daughter is inconveniencing you. I wouldn't have this problem if you had saved money when I was a kid and sent me off somewhere where you wouldn't have to deal with me because I      know you don't want to. you'd rather curl up with your phone and disappear in your own private zone because raising your crops on your game is more important than raising a successful adult. I'm just getting sick of being stuck in the same enviornment. it's like my mom wants to pretend that's she's supportive and condusive but I feel trapped I feel like she's trying to keep me here. she's so afraid of everything that I do and I cant deal with all her issues and foibles because I have my own. I am my own person with hopes, dreams, ideas , heartbreak and aspirations.the only reason I am staying here is because I cant afford anything else and to be honest I like being by myself because at least then I would be the only one worrying about how I look. She's so afraid of everything I do, like my hair and my careers. sometimes I regret pulling out of going into the military because then I would be somewhere else somewhere I wouldn't be smothered  and neglected at the same time. I don't even know how that works. it's like the closer I get to leaving I get yanked back in with psuedo affection and motherly good intent and then once she knows I'm not going anywhere she goes back to being the same person. its like having a tumor. I just want to be free and to not feel this dragging horrible feeling. and then on top of that my grandma is moving out but every time she talks about it she makes it look like we are trying to kick her out or we want her to leave.so there's this weird hanging in the air.like she's being treated so poorly when we hardly speak and we all just exist on the same wave length without bothering each other, 

I just want to run away everyday now/ I want to run off into the horizon, go to the beach alone without anyone just by myself. I want to take a dance class, I want to have really hot sex with one of the guys on my tinder, I want to get tattoos and get false eyelashes and stiletto nails. I want to scream into the pale blue yander. i want to feel like a savage. I want to be a wild girl with weird tattoos and the flattest tone stomach and little to no clothes. I want to rip out of this shell and ravage the civilized world. I want to be the Samantha of my friend group not the Carrie, I want to do naked cart wheels on venice beach. O feel like i want everything, but i'm out of reach of everything.