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so long story short I disapeared for a while because of a deal of drama that i seemed to get myself into and we are going to have to start from the end and work my way backward. I told My best friend I had a crush on him a few weeks ago. got turned down, we haven't talked for two weeks. but now his sister has made it about herself and wedged herself in a very passive conflict succeeding to make it 1000x worse than it should be and now i feel like i'm being punished for liking him, like I've done a terrible evil, or some kind of crime resulting in some weird intervention like me having affection toward someone is offensive. It makes me feel sort of like I'm a gross fuck for even expressing these feelings in the first place like what the fuck am i that terrible? Is the idea of me wanting someone that disgusting or vile. am I that repulsive? like did i miss the memo that i am a leper that doesn't get to show any type of liking toward anyone without warranting a slap on the wrist and me being shoved back into the animal cage i belong in. I feel so ashamed like I feel disgusting like I'm the worst person to walk the earth for having an innocent attraction for someone. I don't understand why I keep getting treated like I'm doing something wrong.
I didn't choose to have a crush, i cant pin point when I'm going to like someone who they're going to be or how i'm going to act around them. I just wanted to say something so I didn't waste my time pining after someone I knew wasn't going to reciprocate my affection because they have other issues they have to deal with. this isn't my fault and I shouldn't be treated like some lecherous villain. I'm always getting treated like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed because I want to date people. That's totally fucking normal and I'm not Medusa or anything I am deserving of human emotion and shit, I don't like the fact that I am being interrogated over the most heartbreaking moment in time and replaying it over and over again like this is an episode of fucking criminal minds, I didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't have to deal with this trash. if anything he should be flattered and feel blessed because I am a walking goddess but instead I am being called into the principal's office like a naughty child. I regret saying anything but at the same time it says more about the two of them than it does about me. I love everything and everyone most of the time unless i'm at work than that's a different story. it's been a really hard week for me because I have been avoiding dealing with this issue. which isnt really an issue for a normal person someone having a crush on them would warrant an "aww that's cute, thank you." instead of "we need to have a family meeting,"
it's fucking heart breaking that it comes to having to have a stern talking to and it makes me feel like I'm the cripple from '300', when in all seriousness i'd be more like Xerces. I dont understand why this is so appalling like how gross must you see me if this is the case? in his mind i must be some sort of gross spore instead of a sentient person deserving of any type of human contact if this is how i am treated.
the thing is though I'm starting to get tired of talking about it and I can tell that the people around me are tired of hearing about it and its hard cause I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices their eyes glaze over and they act like I shouldn't complain about anything and I should be lucky that someone was interested in the first place, or that I shouldn't even care. I don't know what they want me to think or do. I help everyone with their bullshit problems and I don't complain and I actually want to help instead of regurgitating hallmark cards and break up bumper stickers about getting back on the horse and all that good shit
I'm just getting sick of being stuck in the same enviornment. it's like my mom wants to pretend that's she's supportive and condusive but I feel trapped I feel like she's trying to keep me here. she's so afraid of everything that I do and I cant deal with all her issues and foibles because I have my own. I am my own person with hopes, dreams, ideas , heartbreak and aspirations.the only reason I am staying here is because I cant afford anything else and to be honest I like being by myself because at least then I would be the only one worrying about how I look. She's so afraid of everything I do, like my hair and my careers. sometimes I regret pulling out of going into the military because then I would be somewhere else somewhere I wouldn't be smothered and neglected at the same time. I don't even know how that works. it's like the closer I get to leaving I get yanked back in with psuedo affection and motherly good intent and then once she knows I'm not going anywhere she goes back to being the same person. its like having a tumor. I just want to be free and to not feel this dragging horrible feeling. and then on top of that my grandma is moving out but every time she talks about it she makes it look like we are trying to kick her out or we want her to leave.so there's this weird hanging in the air.like she's being treated so poorly when we hardly speak and we all just exist on the same wave length without bothering each other, 
i want to feel like a savage. I want to be a wild girl with weird tattoos and the flattest tone stomach and little to no clothes. I want to rip out of this shell and ravage the civilized world. I want to be the Samantha of my friend group not the Carrie, I want to do naked cart wheels on venice beach. O feel like i want everything, but i'm out of reach of everything.