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or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much.
I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.
the thing is though I'm starting to get tired of talking about it and I can tell that the people around me are tired of hearing about it and its hard cause I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices their eyes glaze over and they act like I shouldn't complain about anything and I should be lucky that someone was interested in the first place, or that I shouldn't even care. I don't know what they want me to think or do. I help everyone with their bullshit problems and I don't complain and I actually want to help instead of regurgitating hallmark cards and break up bumper stickers about getting back on the horse and all that good shit
I'm just getting sick of being stuck in the same enviornment. it's like my mom wants to pretend that's she's supportive and condusive but I feel trapped I feel like she's trying to keep me here. she's so afraid of everything that I do and I cant deal with all her issues and foibles because I have my own. I am my own person with hopes, dreams, ideas , heartbreak and aspirations.the only reason I am staying here is because I cant afford anything else and to be honest I like being by myself because at least then I would be the only one worrying about how I look. She's so afraid of everything I do, like my hair and my careers. sometimes I regret pulling out of going into the military because then I would be somewhere else somewhere I wouldn't be smothered and neglected at the same time. I don't even know how that works. it's like the closer I get to leaving I get yanked back in with psuedo affection and motherly good intent and then once she knows I'm not going anywhere she goes back to being the same person. its like having a tumor. I just want to be free and to not feel this dragging horrible feeling. and then on top of that my grandma is moving out but every time she talks about it she makes it look like we are trying to kick her out or we want her to leave.so there's this weird hanging in the air.like she's being treated so poorly when we hardly speak and we all just exist on the same wave length without bothering each other, 
i want to feel like a savage. I want to be a wild girl with weird tattoos and the flattest tone stomach and little to no clothes. I want to rip out of this shell and ravage the civilized world. I want to be the Samantha of my friend group not the Carrie, I want to do naked cart wheels on venice beach. O feel like i want everything, but i'm out of reach of everything.