#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!