The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!

Black Hot American Rage

So there is this thing that I am guilty of doing, I have been channeling all my negative feelings into cutting my hair, it seems to be like a drug, I continue to cut my hair over and over again.it's almost compulsive, I feel like one day I'm just going to shave all that shit off because it always feels like it is too long used to be so angry that I have had to work hard for everything. I had to work hard to over come anxiety, and the many divorces in my family. I've had to overcome people judging me and telling me that I wasn't a good christian,
christian, and having really religious relatives and friends pushing thoughts and ideas down my throat. I've lost friends for having a different opinion, and I've lost a lover for trying not to lose myself, but to be honest by that point , by the time i had met goat man I had already lost myself pieces of me had already eroded away from the previous loss.the sad part is that he'll still never have the chance to meet who i really am, just that broken shell of a person.      





I always wondered what would've happened if I was in my "FINAL FORM". we probably wouldn't have ended up together, but I'll never truly know, the fact that things ended means I need to stop re-reading the chapter that we were in and start writing the next one because nothing ever gets done when you look back, and I can't continue to replay our argument and try to piece things together and figure why nobody I meet is strong enough because I cant keep being strong for other people, and I need someone who will fight with me, I know it is twisted but at least they give a shit instead of swallowing up feelings and pretending that everything is okay because I know I'm not always okay. I am clingy, I am obnoxious, and passionate, and I have a lot of anger and a strong will that will always be in my life I can't change, I can't become some silent doll that just nods and pretends everything is alright because it's not, not all the time I'm not that girl, I'll never be that girl and that's alright. because I am strong and fierce and I like to call people cunts and listen to metal, I don't like to always listen to 70's music and pretend that I give a shit about society because I don't I only give a shit about me society can blow me.  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to          

  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to for anyone to love me. I shouldn't mold myself into anything so someone thinks I am worthy of them, because i am worth so much more than that already. I don't need anyone to like me, I don't need to be everyone's friend. I know how much work I put in and that is all that fucking matters because in the end I have to deal with me, and I have to be able to say to myself that i worked hard and I did what I could. I'm going to continue to be a rad fucking goddess and I am determined to be happy. There is no reason I have to be sad about anything or wishing that I could've done better or could've been anyone else. I'm so sick of girls (including myself) internalizing why boys don't like them and how they can change themselves to make boys like them because that's fucking bogus..Everything is bogus when you feel like shit around someone.   stay golden ponybitch! because once they leave you know you are going to either go back to the same bitch you were or just be a new bitch with no friends because you became someone else for someone who was temporary.know what your strengths are and know why you are a badass bitch from hell. don't let some guy no matter how pretty he is or how much he looks like Brad Pitt or Travis Finnel tell you what to do or who to be or how to act.because there will be someone who looks like Gerard Butler who thinks that you are perfect and thinks that the sun shines out of your butthole.I know that the future hold some ridiculously good dick, and hopefully like a job where I get paid hourly instead of on commission. that's my fucking new years resolution. Getting REALLY REALLY good penis that wont tell me i need to swear less or that i'm being abusive and get a real job that sends my pay checks with more than enough money for me to horde like the fucking dwarves in LTOR