Chapter 18:The Ghost Queen

often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.  I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.  i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess. this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,

Thoroughly Aroused and Uncomfortable

the thirst is rising. I feel like my overwhelming thirstiness is going to become problematic. I
 should be used to being alone in the biblical sense, I mean I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 17, I probably wont get another one until I am 35. I haven't really been looking though, mostly just harmless oogling of strangers who I happen to find visually pleasing but I feel like the thirst is deeper than just that of carnal lust. I feel like I am romantically thirsty. I want all my passions to be ignited. I want some paradise lost shit. I'm sort of bored. I mean I've been alone for a month. Time seems to be going slower. everything seems longer than it is. days feel like months weeks feel like years. it fucking sucks. but the good news I've started going to my church again, well it's a kingdom hall but i like to simplify things. i'm looking forward to going on Wednesday,  but my loneliness is a product of my pride.I don't know when this dry spell will end or if it ever will. I am not sure I will ever have a great romance again. I use god, and writing to escape the overwhelming longings budding from my heart and growing like poisonous weeds into my brain.I hate this feeling. I wish this feeling could be put into a bottle and sprayed at my enemies. I might watch like water for chocolate and cry and be weird. I'm not sure what I am doing. Everyone tells me that I'll get passed this feeling and everything will be fine and something better will come blah blah blah blah blah. I really don't give a fuck about those hallmark card bullshit anecdotes because at the end of the day i'm still going to be horny and romantically unfulfilled. I don't know why I am surprised, I knew how everything was going to play out, I even said one day he'd get tired of me, because I am disagreeable, frightfully stubborn, overly sensitive, and so forth. Being with me is a job in its self. being me is a soul sucking career that you can never escape from. I'm angry because I still miss him, I am angry because I thought that I was above these feelings because I was smart. Being smart didn't get me shit except for a blog that only earns about thirty fucking cents and scornful regret that plagues me on a nightly basis. This isnt pretty or fluffy or romantic; it's border line obsession. it's fucking killing me. But at the same time I love being this miserable because I know that what I felt was real and honest and true. even though it's gone now, It was the rawest and purest form of a true love and need for someone. I might never really give two fucks about anyone the same way I did, and I know now I am certain that what I felt was real because it wouldn't hurt like this if it wasn't.It was like he was my johnny depp. But no matter how well adjusted i want to be and how sane i want to seem i am in an inhuman amount of pain some nights. some times I am so happy I am hysterical. I feel like the same feelings I had when I was falling in love with Goat man but i feel them in my own company. I feel wild, and untouchable, I feel like a magical being. I wish I had felt this power while I was with him so he could experience what I am. Its the best thing to experience when you see yourself for who you are and you feel like a wolf woman.Maybe he was just a stepping stone for me to actually get to this point, because without being pushed through the flames I wouldn't have risen from my own ashes. I know that right now i am not ready for a relationship, especially not one with a former flame. but i do want it so desperately that it agitates me to pain. Nothing will be the same with anyone one else and that makes me sad. it's like when you have high end wine and then you switch to beer. I would rather be left with the memory and the sweetness then dilute it with some shitty cheap replacement just to get me drunk enough to forget. It wouldn't be fair to try to love someone else now, not when I can see his eyes every time I close my own, now when i can hear him and feel him. It wouldn't be fair at all. I don't know when this will end but hopefully it happens soon because my threshold for pain is not as high as it used to be and my tolerance for heart break has also disappeared. I don't want a life without the type of passion and love that can shatter worlds. I will settle for nothing less then whirlwind romance and all that good shit because i have had it once and I know it is real.     

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!

Letters Never Sent

some days I really hate you. some days I want you to burst into flames or tears or anything unpleasant.some days I feel like I'd been abandoned because you said so many things to me and I told you that I didn't like promises like those because everyone who has said things like that to me had disappeared. but you didn't listen. you never listened. I like dark orange sunflowers. I don't like red roses. I told you I didn't like roses so many times. but it seemed like everything I told you would go in one ear and out the other. I forgave your trespasses because I adored you. I looked past all the times that you didn't introduce me to family members because your mom always did for you. it seemed like she cared more than you did sometimes. I keep thinking about how you have both hearts. the silver one you gave me and the jade one I gave you. it is sort of like ironic symbolism because you still have your heart, but you took mine too. I wish I could stay angry with you like you did. I wish I could hold a grudge and hate you. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I was done. but I'm not. you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and you stay in my head until I go to sleep. I don't understand why I am the way I am. why I forgive so easily and why I am so soft.I wish I could be like you and run away without feeling anything. but I've always felt too much. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that I left a scar like you did. I hope when you do think of me you think of good things like when we had fun and we were friendly. think of me like I died and blur out all the bad memories. keep a memorial of me in your heart so that you can kill the anger in you hold onto. I was childish, but I was angry I'm thinking of this all now because we'll probably never see each other again and  you'll live you're own life. you'll get married and have kids giving someone else the forever that you promised me. I accept that. but at the same time I hope you don't forget me. and one day you'll tell your sons to watch out for girls like me. tell them to watch out for the girls who are brutally honest, and creative. watch out for the smart and strange girls. watch out for the passionate savage women that exist in the world. because one day one will show up and turn their worlds upside down. and they'd be a fool to let them go. just like you were. I lied when I said my love for you had ran out, that was the only lie I've ever told you. It'll never die unfortunately, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I didn't want to pretend I didn't have feelings for you and I could move on. My honest little heart burned at the act I put on so there'd be hope. but the truth is I'd rather live the rest of my life being hated by you for what i said to you then having to hold it inside pretending that everything was alright.I can go about my life sweeping through towns like a sweet wind because I feel like that's what was meant to happen. And as I scorch my paths I'll always think fondly of you even if you don't feel the same way.and I'll be free. Thank you for setting me free.the life you wanted to give me wasn't the part I was supposed to play. I love you darling. I always will.