often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.
I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.
i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess.
this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,
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