You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

Chapter 18:The Ghost Queen

often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.  I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.  i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess. this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable. 

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY