You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

Chapter 15 :Batshit

It took me a while to understand that i was actually bat shit crazy. I mean who else would skip out on going to college to become a writer? who else would painstakingly create characters and dialogue and a reason for an imaginary world to exist? who else would remain hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't want them? who else would believe in horoscopes and tarot cards as well as the one true god? this girl right here. who else wants to go against the grain and change their family legacy?  if that means that i am crazy i want to stay this way. i would rather be crazy than weak and boring. I mean to everyone that's ever been called crazy or feels like they are nuts. even to the people who feel like they are too wild and too ridicluos to be loved or to have someone that's on the same wave length as them. I'm sorry to say this but you wont find them, ever. you will never find yourself in another human being. you will find parts of yourself, you will find someone similar. but you will never have someone match your intensity. you will meet people who are close enough or good enough but you'll never find another you. do not get disappointed when someone you like, love, or even related to tells you you;re out of control, or abnormal, or weird. you don't have to fight it you probably are being out of control at that moment. but know that you are still okay. you are still worth love and affection. you are working on it, you're getting better. Any one who tells you you arent better is an asshole and they can go fuck themselves if someone you care about leaves you or you have to leave them, neither of you is the villain or the hero. you are both neutral entities even if you did tell them that they were a hypocritical narcissistic sociopathological asshole. there are no bad guys and no good guys.there are people you agree with and disagree with. if you see it that way instead of like a marvel movie life will be smoother. feeling crazy isn't bad.it's not easy, its difficult, it'll make you want to stop living every time you feel out of control, but it's fun, and exciting, and when it's good its damn good.stop trying to be less insane. "seldom do well behaved women make history."

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable. 

General EyeRoll

I have the strongest urge to shop but I' don't know what I want to dress like at the moment and i'm still trying to save money until I get paid again. There aren't any good places to shop accept for the good will and I cant afford to go to the Glendale Galeria.I've been really worried about setting up finances and setting up a bank account and getting a credit card for work. sometimes i feel like it wont happen because i have the habit of spending my money on stupid crap. Life seems to be getting less fun the older I get. It's stressful and uncomfortable, nothing seems to fall into place and I have to do everything myself because it's hard enough for my mom to support all of us without having to shell out money so i can start having a financial history. I was supposed to go out to riverside this week but i really don't want to. i'm just going to be stuck with religious relatives that are going to make a big deal about me piercing my nose and cutting off all my hair.Everyday feels like a mini war. I seem to continually have small identity crisis on a daily basis because i'm going through this weird find yourself period but all i seem to find in myself are bits and pieces of other people's stories. I don't feel like my story is 100% mine at all, I guess that comes from years of internalizing other people's shit.my fucking bathroom got flooded so now the sink is pretty much unusable and I don't know if my toothbrush is olkay so That's how my life went. the longer I stay awake the more i realize that unless I have real work to do or something going on in my life i'm just lonely and horny and sad. I logged into my tumblr again and it felt like i had been away for years, it was nice. this is pretty much just a whole page of me rambling about nonsense and bullshit then i'm going to post it and three seconds after the same 1 person is going to like my post.I'm really fucking tired of Charlie Hunnam's face always showing up in my life though it's fucking everywhere and it just continues to remind me of punk ass goat man and then i just want to crawl into a hole and die.,

anywAaaaay...goodnight you guys,,,