Chapter 11: The Sluts Shame

You took me out to dinner
I gave you head in the car
But now you treat me how
The black community treats Kendrick Lamar
I gave you my body
and you still shattered my heart
 But somehow i'm still the reason we ended up apart.
I should apologize
For treating you like a work of art.?
I should take the blame for trekking through the flames
putting in effort and doing my part,
for my honesty and hoping someone could love me.
I need to work on myself?
but i'm not the one who puts people on a shelf
just to watch them shatter when they're no longer beautiful.
I wish i could hate you but in my heart your soul is still beautiful.
I wish that if i died tonight the first thing
i would see wasn't your two toned eyes staring back at me.
i wished when i saw the streets where you kissed
that my entire body wouldn't feel so heavy.
is it my pride or my arrogance that sees this as a punishment.
or is it the fact that my beating heart betrays me when i think of you
sometimes i see myself coming up to you
but in my head i'm not sure what i'd rather do.
I'm not sure if i'd kiss you
or try to break you like a vase because my
body is so confused and all it craves is your taste.
it's my fault you got tired of me.
but in reality it's your own weakness that tore us apart.
in your chest is a wad of stained glass but god gave
me an elastic heart that takes this treatment over and over again,
just to see your face even though it scowls every time it sees me.
I still hope that the image never leaves me.

General EyeRoll

I have the strongest urge to shop but I' don't know what I want to dress like at the moment and i'm still trying to save money until I get paid again. There aren't any good places to shop accept for the good will and I cant afford to go to the Glendale Galeria.I've been really worried about setting up finances and setting up a bank account and getting a credit card for work. sometimes i feel like it wont happen because i have the habit of spending my money on stupid crap. Life seems to be getting less fun the older I get. It's stressful and uncomfortable, nothing seems to fall into place and I have to do everything myself because it's hard enough for my mom to support all of us without having to shell out money so i can start having a financial history. I was supposed to go out to riverside this week but i really don't want to. i'm just going to be stuck with religious relatives that are going to make a big deal about me piercing my nose and cutting off all my hair.Everyday feels like a mini war. I seem to continually have small identity crisis on a daily basis because i'm going through this weird find yourself period but all i seem to find in myself are bits and pieces of other people's stories. I don't feel like my story is 100% mine at all, I guess that comes from years of internalizing other people's shit.my fucking bathroom got flooded so now the sink is pretty much unusable and I don't know if my toothbrush is olkay so That's how my life went. the longer I stay awake the more i realize that unless I have real work to do or something going on in my life i'm just lonely and horny and sad. I logged into my tumblr again and it felt like i had been away for years, it was nice. this is pretty much just a whole page of me rambling about nonsense and bullshit then i'm going to post it and three seconds after the same 1 person is going to like my post.I'm really fucking tired of Charlie Hunnam's face always showing up in my life though it's fucking everywhere and it just continues to remind me of punk ass goat man and then i just want to crawl into a hole and die.,

anywAaaaay...goodnight you guys,,,