Retrograde Day 2

I dont think i have ever actually cared about retrograde until this year because this is the first year that i have been like balls deep in magic and horoscopes and other shit. i havent gotten any profound life altering messages and i am seriously considering getting my septum pierced again because i had a lot of fun having my septum pierced. it made me feel really powerful; and fearsome. like i had an attitude and i was unfuckwithable. It could be like i was a mystic or some kind of war goddess in a past life and that makes me obsessed with war and body art and body modifications. It makes me feel like a goddamned boss. The tone of this blog is so differetn from the post i made this morning mostly because i vented all my frustrations with my mom today and it was so cleansing and cathartic. like we were on the same page for once, but i am going to have to make an appointment with my therapist George because my mom noticed signs of depression.and with that like alarms went off in my head because i had never experienced depression before or at least i was too dumb to see it. but recently i have been sluggish and apathetic, more moody than usual, wanting to sleep forever and always tired. and like my diet is crap because i just eat microwave meals and meat and candy. I'm surprised I havent died yet. I also realized I cant feed myself. like today i ate a burger and fries for breakfast but i walked to the burger place so that must be healthy. but like my bones hurt and i feel really agitated like everything just gets on my nerves and I am a mess.I cant pick a song to listen to I cant pick any good movies and the movies I do end up watching are movies that I can practicaly recite verbatum. i really need to watch my health, i am really worried about being diabetic so i keep like talking to my mom about it and she brushed me off so i think i'm just going to start eating salads and almonds and stuff so i wont be paranoid. i mean if no one is going to listen to me i might as well take my health into my own hands. even though alot of websites are like DONT MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS IN RETROGRADE but whats so bad about trying to be a healthy bitch. I could even reverse the effects. And when i get paranoid i drink this bitter root tea that tastes like old socks. I don't feel fatigued I just feel unmotivated, I go to the bathroom alot but thats because i drink like 8 waters a day since i am on that tumblr "stay hydrated" ban wagon. the vision shit is not much of a reliable thing because i have shitty eyesight anyway. but what does worry me is the pins and needles in my toes and somethimes my fingers, that freaks me out. but like after i do something healthy it goes away. i dont really eat alot of sugar. i cant even finish a pint of ice cream or a whole donut, which sucks. but like my health is super important to me even though i feel like i am going to die any second. I'm just sort of a wreck. I am all around concerned about everything, i cant go a minute with out being worried about something. it's exhausting.but I got retrograde goodies since the technology is supposed to be all wonky as well as everything else. I have new headphones a charger and this thing i can carry around that charges my phone for me. my phone started acting up a little because it was playing music out of no where but other than that every thing has been kosher. I spoke to my old friend again, it felt equally as awkward as it did the last time.but let by gones be bygones i guess. oh and sorry for no pictures i didnt really feel like looking for any. so y'all just gone have to read.

Chapter 15:Social Misfit.

So today I'd gotten ready for a date with a tinder match, turns out the distance between us hindered that date from happening, the thing is I have another date on Friday but I ran out of money online shopping like an asshole. and after that next weekend I will be visiting my estranged uncle who is now living somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wildly attractive life partner. I feel like i am dating myself right now, since i'm sitting at Starbucks nursing a water and trying to spy on this guy a few tables a head of me who is watching Tyler the Creator music videos. I had made eye contact with him more than twice so in my head that means "Take em down to flavor town." and there is a mildly homeless looking man staring at me , the cute guy is doing stretches , who the fuck does stretches at Starbucks, somebody who wants the Jade. he needs to hit on me right now i'm fucking serious . but anyway i'm sitting here waiting for the last minute cancellation so I can go about being a trollop. But in all seriousness my social anxiety is hoping that he doesn't show up so I can be left alone. And there is this old guy that looks like a beat up old version of my ex, hanging out with this Asian chick and it cracks me up because that's probably exactly what he's going to look like in the next 10-20 years if not now. but i'm sort of being a mischievous little shit right now smiling like an idiot because no one knows what I am doing and I'm sitting here blogging and cracking myself up in this cold ass Starbucks. All i could afford was a fucking chocolate cookie so now I have tummy bubbles . I'm so fucking worried about this date. I didn't drive to the Starbucks I walked so the whole leaving situation would be a little weird unless i wait a while after he leaves to leave. I drank my water and ate my cookie already,
I'm stressed the fuck out right now, and I have to pee. like what if he thinks I'm a scrub because I'm broke and I walked to the fucking date like a hippie douche. everything is so complicated. what would make things more complicated would be if he found my blog. but that's a different story. I don't think anyone i see in the future should ever see this to be honest. I mean it's this weird platform where all I do is talk shit about life and dating and my ex boyfriend, while I pretend to be a functioning member of society in my off time. I mean I'm not even a successful blogger I'm just a punk kid with a key board and too many opinions. this is all bad, but luckily it'll be a short date and he wont be staying long enough to figure out that i'm a carless weirdo. even though I'm very lazy and I don't really want to walk back home.the struggle is too fucking real for me right now. I'm super fucking anxious. this is what my ass gets for fucking with tinder. I could've waited until something happened organically instead of being a thirsty bitch. but noooooooo. any way he's supposed to show up in about 30 minutes because life likes to fuck with me all the time.

Chapter 14: Caught up in my feelings.

Allk i really want is a root beer float and somebody to tell me i'm pretty. I am feeling really close to my period right now and the last thing i need is to be alone and near my phone. as soon as i get to this point i get all weepy and sensitive and i want to text HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED because i'm a little bitch when it comes to him as a human being. I mean I do it to myself honestly, i watch romance movies at like midnight sitting in my draws and socks fucking wasting precious time being a freak. and it;s going to be raining soon. luckily i'll be going out with friends tomorrow. i dont know why i'm even up in my feelings; i've been offered sex from cute strangers but i dont know what to do because i dont do hook-ups you know i'm  like a nice girl and only one person has ever had my goodies. I am so mad because apart of me wants to follow through on one of the tinder offers but the other part of me cant let go so I end up turning it down and being frustrated.
I thought it'd be easy to just  jump back on the sexy horse, but I guess I'm not the girl I thought I was and I really hoped i'd be her by now. I even texted HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED but it was at like 1 in the morning and i knew he wasn't going to reply but
I did it anyway cause it was buggin' me all day and I don't ask for advice anymore because my friends are just as sick of hearing about him as i am thinking of him. maybe I'm not allowing myself to heal properly, I mean I thought diving into the ocean would drown all my feelings but being in the deep blue all alone just makes you think all the time anyway. but I ordered more lipstick, and i'm looking at dresses on line. I've been saving a lot of money but i still have shopaholic tendancies. I'd really like a large sum of money so I can just shop all my feelings out. I'm supposed to be getting a check from the internship I quit a few weeks back and my dad's finally catching up on child support so that's awesome! And I've lost some weight so I need smaller clothes anyway. this fucking mowhawk is getting on my nerves because my hair is growing out. but shit I have enough money to by fake eyelashes and concealer and everything I fucking want. I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school and thats going to be really awesome because i'm going to be this hot sexy talented makeup artist and HE WHO REMAINS UNNAMED is going to miss out on the sexy butterfly I end up being because no one seems to think I'm worth the trouble and I'm worth fighting for. that's fucking fine, because I was built this way to fight for myself. 

General EyeRoll

I have the strongest urge to shop but I' don't know what I want to dress like at the moment and i'm still trying to save money until I get paid again. There aren't any good places to shop accept for the good will and I cant afford to go to the Glendale Galeria.I've been really worried about setting up finances and setting up a bank account and getting a credit card for work. sometimes i feel like it wont happen because i have the habit of spending my money on stupid crap. Life seems to be getting less fun the older I get. It's stressful and uncomfortable, nothing seems to fall into place and I have to do everything myself because it's hard enough for my mom to support all of us without having to shell out money so i can start having a financial history. I was supposed to go out to riverside this week but i really don't want to. i'm just going to be stuck with religious relatives that are going to make a big deal about me piercing my nose and cutting off all my hair.Everyday feels like a mini war. I seem to continually have small identity crisis on a daily basis because i'm going through this weird find yourself period but all i seem to find in myself are bits and pieces of other people's stories. I don't feel like my story is 100% mine at all, I guess that comes from years of internalizing other people's shit.my fucking bathroom got flooded so now the sink is pretty much unusable and I don't know if my toothbrush is olkay so That's how my life went. the longer I stay awake the more i realize that unless I have real work to do or something going on in my life i'm just lonely and horny and sad. I logged into my tumblr again and it felt like i had been away for years, it was nice. this is pretty much just a whole page of me rambling about nonsense and bullshit then i'm going to post it and three seconds after the same 1 person is going to like my post.I'm really fucking tired of Charlie Hunnam's face always showing up in my life though it's fucking everywhere and it just continues to remind me of punk ass goat man and then i just want to crawl into a hole and die.,

anywAaaaay...goodnight you guys,,,