#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

Chapter 15:Social Misfit.

So today I'd gotten ready for a date with a tinder match, turns out the distance between us hindered that date from happening, the thing is I have another date on Friday but I ran out of money online shopping like an asshole. and after that next weekend I will be visiting my estranged uncle who is now living somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wildly attractive life partner. I feel like i am dating myself right now, since i'm sitting at Starbucks nursing a water and trying to spy on this guy a few tables a head of me who is watching Tyler the Creator music videos. I had made eye contact with him more than twice so in my head that means "Take em down to flavor town." and there is a mildly homeless looking man staring at me , the cute guy is doing stretches , who the fuck does stretches at Starbucks, somebody who wants the Jade. he needs to hit on me right now i'm fucking serious . but anyway i'm sitting here waiting for the last minute cancellation so I can go about being a trollop. But in all seriousness my social anxiety is hoping that he doesn't show up so I can be left alone. And there is this old guy that looks like a beat up old version of my ex, hanging out with this Asian chick and it cracks me up because that's probably exactly what he's going to look like in the next 10-20 years if not now. but i'm sort of being a mischievous little shit right now smiling like an idiot because no one knows what I am doing and I'm sitting here blogging and cracking myself up in this cold ass Starbucks. All i could afford was a fucking chocolate cookie so now I have tummy bubbles . I'm so fucking worried about this date. I didn't drive to the Starbucks I walked so the whole leaving situation would be a little weird unless i wait a while after he leaves to leave. I drank my water and ate my cookie already,
I'm stressed the fuck out right now, and I have to pee. like what if he thinks I'm a scrub because I'm broke and I walked to the fucking date like a hippie douche. everything is so complicated. what would make things more complicated would be if he found my blog. but that's a different story. I don't think anyone i see in the future should ever see this to be honest. I mean it's this weird platform where all I do is talk shit about life and dating and my ex boyfriend, while I pretend to be a functioning member of society in my off time. I mean I'm not even a successful blogger I'm just a punk kid with a key board and too many opinions. this is all bad, but luckily it'll be a short date and he wont be staying long enough to figure out that i'm a carless weirdo. even though I'm very lazy and I don't really want to walk back home.the struggle is too fucking real for me right now. I'm super fucking anxious. this is what my ass gets for fucking with tinder. I could've waited until something happened organically instead of being a thirsty bitch. but noooooooo. any way he's supposed to show up in about 30 minutes because life likes to fuck with me all the time.

A Series of Fortunate and Unfortunate Events.

have you ever tried to do something; regardless of what it is and it keeps backfiring? like i was trying to get in contact with a local beauty school today because i had an appointment and every time i tried to cal in regards to that appointment my phone would either A) lose connection or B) whoever was on the other line wouldn't answer. so I did a brief amount of shopping bought a skirt & a couple tops trying to migrate into spring fashions and when i get home i try to call them again. I call a few times. they hang up. then they finally call me back and what happens? my phone loses signal. I'm sitting here like this is a divine sign from the deities not to go to this school. so I'm over here eating fucking mac n cheese like a ten year old talking to myself like what is the master plan? what is the end game? where is the universe trying to lead me? and what is the universe's deal with beauty schools? I mean shit i fucked up my senior year, it's easy and I wont have to go to community college, i wont be sitting on the couch being a slovenly little shit. what am I supposed to do? what career am I meant to pursue. I have been trying my hand in practically everything from house keeping to finiances and nothing is sticking. like I don't know what I want to do but I know the woman I want to become and I'm not going to become that bitch being the manager of a smart and final.I don't feel like I;ve found my nitch yet, all i feel like doing is making quick cash so i can blow off some steam at forever 21, in the shoe department. i feel really lost, and I've been too proud to admit it, I feel lost and afraid and worried about what i should do and where i should go. i keep trying to give my burdens to god and just enjoy the ride , but im so used to micromanaging i stress myself out. i feel like my whole life is this swaying in the balance of being stressed and excited all at the same time. I've put so much pressure on myself, pushing myself to succeed at anything and everything even if I don't care that much about it. and I'm worried because I started talking about going on a date or something with this one guy but I don't want him to see where I live because i'm in this shitty apartment complex in Sunland and i'm getting tired of people asking me what I do or where I go to school because none of my plans work out even though I've been actively looking for schools, scholarships, internships, volunteer programs. anything that'll give me some kind of purpose so i dont feel like one of those girls that has a catatonic breakdown after a break up. I mean like when Goat Man turned into the nameless one, i was looking for any excuse to leave and be dramatic and never return until i was like hot and successful like in a fucking Nicholas Sparks movie. but it seems liuke the holy most high has different plans because i'm still here in my home town not having any adventure being a trollop on tinder like it's a sport. I dont feel acomplished, I dont feel like I'm going anywhere after highschool. the sad thing is for me being a stripper is more likely going to happen than me owning a company because i cant make up my damn mind., Everything is all jumbled up and I'm confused and scared as per usual. The only thing that makes any real sense to me is writing but I'm not raking in J.K Rowling's type money right now and evryone around me makes me feel like the bum on the couch. Maybe I should just revel in what i know that I'm good at instead of trying to be someone & something that I'm not.