YO BITCHES

So I haven't posted anything in a while and i really should be doing homework instead of this shit but I've had some things I needed to write out and get off my chest, so here we go. WARNING the tea will be especially hot today. moving on as you all know I have started school, and this is like the second week but one of my professors actually struck a chord with me. As you already know I have been floundering in this murky water called adult hood and I had no intentions of going to school. In fact I was hoping to run off with some weirdo and own a crafts store or some hipster shit like that. but I digress, she asked why we were here like what our reasons were. and I said I was going because my mom didn't want me to end up like her and so afterward she goes. :"so is anyone here for themselves? is anyone here not just because MOMMY said you need to go to school." and I just kind of sat there like WOW I am a sheep. I am going to school just because someone else told me to. but it wasn't just my mom pushing me to go to school. my coworkers at the store kept breathing down my neck about me going to college when they found out i was an artist. my uncles had been trying to coax me into going since i could hold a pencil, but other than hatred and spite toward men who shall remain nameless i had no real motivation. I want to be a writer, but I never looked too far into writing because everyone put my art on a pedestal. it's not even that great but since I'm the only one in my family that can actually draw more than geometric shapes they made a big deal out of it. My whole reason for being here is misguided hate. like "I hate these people so much i want to have a cool ass fucking career but the only way to get that career that i can rub in their smug fucking disapproving faces is by going to college." and you know what that isn't healthy but hatred is better than working out of infatuation. I do't have a noble cause. I am not working out of my love for someone else like Jay fucking Gatsby. I am working because of seething unquenchable hatred, blinding, red, flaming, volcanic hatred that ruminates in the dark little corners of my head. I feel like Batman in the Dark knight rises.Like all of the pain and bullshit and stupid horrible people I encounter everyday, the stupid horrible people that I used to love, all of them fuel this like raging inferno of hate and disgust that flames my ass in order for me to get a fucking bachelors and go to UCSB I have been hearing people ask WHY alot. Why are you doing this? what is your motivation, and for a long time I thought love would be my motivation. I loved someone so much all I wanted was for them to be proud of me. to see some kind of worth in what I was doing. But you know what the flames of complete and utter hate scorch the majestic rivers of love. now I don't give a fuck if they are proud or not. I want them to know what they missed. I want them to feel the jab in their side every time they see my name on the bookshelf of their favorite bookstore. I want them to squirm when they hear my name on the radio while they're on a drive with the person that they're fucking. I want to come up in the new releases tab on their kindle fire and make that pit in their stomach fucking enormous. I want to be the ghost haunting them in their sleep.   I don't want to be the love stuck knight or the hero a cause. I want to be the fucking villain.I know its super petty to do well based off of negative forces and karma is going to fuck me in the ass eventually, but I'm ready for that bitch honey, I'll be a power bottom for that bitch as long as I make it to the top. This is basically for everyone; My shitty insane boss, my delinquent father and the rest of his ass backwards family, star, he who shall not be named. everyone, there is a list honey, trust. yo girl is one petty spiteful bitch. I know god don't like ugly but ugly feelings get the job done. The funny part about this is I thought I had to grow up. I thought I had to stop being petty and childish and take all this fuckery like a lady to not come across as "crazy," or not to be "that girl" but being that girl is so fucking fun. so fun. being a bitch is fun, being sarcastic is fun, being petty gets work done, being a sexual deviant is fun.I don't have to "behave" for anybody. I can be as fucked up and raw and gritty as I fucking want to.