YO BITCHES

So I haven't posted anything in a while and i really should be doing homework instead of this shit but I've had some things I needed to write out and get off my chest, so here we go. WARNING the tea will be especially hot today. moving on as you all know I have started school, and this is like the second week but one of my professors actually struck a chord with me. As you already know I have been floundering in this murky water called adult hood and I had no intentions of going to school. In fact I was hoping to run off with some weirdo and own a crafts store or some hipster shit like that. but I digress, she asked why we were here like what our reasons were. and I said I was going because my mom didn't want me to end up like her and so afterward she goes. :"so is anyone here for themselves? is anyone here not just because MOMMY said you need to go to school." and I just kind of sat there like WOW I am a sheep. I am going to school just because someone else told me to. but it wasn't just my mom pushing me to go to school. my coworkers at the store kept breathing down my neck about me going to college when they found out i was an artist. my uncles had been trying to coax me into going since i could hold a pencil, but other than hatred and spite toward men who shall remain nameless i had no real motivation. I want to be a writer, but I never looked too far into writing because everyone put my art on a pedestal. it's not even that great but since I'm the only one in my family that can actually draw more than geometric shapes they made a big deal out of it. My whole reason for being here is misguided hate. like "I hate these people so much i want to have a cool ass fucking career but the only way to get that career that i can rub in their smug fucking disapproving faces is by going to college." and you know what that isn't healthy but hatred is better than working out of infatuation. I do't have a noble cause. I am not working out of my love for someone else like Jay fucking Gatsby. I am working because of seething unquenchable hatred, blinding, red, flaming, volcanic hatred that ruminates in the dark little corners of my head. I feel like Batman in the Dark knight rises.Like all of the pain and bullshit and stupid horrible people I encounter everyday, the stupid horrible people that I used to love, all of them fuel this like raging inferno of hate and disgust that flames my ass in order for me to get a fucking bachelors and go to UCSB I have been hearing people ask WHY alot. Why are you doing this? what is your motivation, and for a long time I thought love would be my motivation. I loved someone so much all I wanted was for them to be proud of me. to see some kind of worth in what I was doing. But you know what the flames of complete and utter hate scorch the majestic rivers of love. now I don't give a fuck if they are proud or not. I want them to know what they missed. I want them to feel the jab in their side every time they see my name on the bookshelf of their favorite bookstore. I want them to squirm when they hear my name on the radio while they're on a drive with the person that they're fucking. I want to come up in the new releases tab on their kindle fire and make that pit in their stomach fucking enormous. I want to be the ghost haunting them in their sleep.   I don't want to be the love stuck knight or the hero a cause. I want to be the fucking villain.I know its super petty to do well based off of negative forces and karma is going to fuck me in the ass eventually, but I'm ready for that bitch honey, I'll be a power bottom for that bitch as long as I make it to the top. This is basically for everyone; My shitty insane boss, my delinquent father and the rest of his ass backwards family, star, he who shall not be named. everyone, there is a list honey, trust. yo girl is one petty spiteful bitch. I know god don't like ugly but ugly feelings get the job done. The funny part about this is I thought I had to grow up. I thought I had to stop being petty and childish and take all this fuckery like a lady to not come across as "crazy," or not to be "that girl" but being that girl is so fucking fun. so fun. being a bitch is fun, being sarcastic is fun, being petty gets work done, being a sexual deviant is fun.I don't have to "behave" for anybody. I can be as fucked up and raw and gritty as I fucking want to.

Hate is a Strong Word {But I Really Really Really Don't Like You}

you ever have those spurts in time where you just feel angry? like something amidst the happy, bubble gum, heavy metal, pastel, playground of your mind something , something terrible was awaken? stirred up from its peaceful slumber? i call her vira.and vira is 600 pounds of fur and malevolent anger that builds and builds and builds until she erupts in my mind and i become hateful and vengeful and i want to shit talk and fight and start political debates. these debates could be about anything. it could be a response to that cute Latino guy at work trying to compliment your work ethic but instead saying "there needs to be more independent black women like you out there." bumping down his attractive points because now he sounds like a fuckboy, because little does he know that America is full of beautiful strong "independent" black women. and if i am the only one you've talked to in the span of the time you've been alive you need to diversify your circle or read a book mother fucker. other times Vira is exceptionally agitated is when she is told to calm down or to stop being so aggressive. especially by family members who completely devalue the affect of sharing your emotions and the cathartic release of pent up frustration through word of mouth. while those same family members continue to lose their own struggle against mental health because they don't want to "bother" anyone with their feelings or they don't want to talk about it because "no one understands them." wallowing in the same emo proverbial bullshit that they have been entrenched in since their early twenties. sometimes i get irritated when people ask me why i like to wear makeup and make it seem like the good thing to do is to not wear it holding it above you like its some bullshit prize to be "naturally beautiful." i feel like people hide behind stigma of makeup being used to hide flaws and assimilate into western bullshit beauty standards much like how i occasionally straighten my hair, which should be no bodies mother fucking business why i straighten it or how often i do it and i shouldn't be demonized because i am expressing the versatility of beautiful black hair. i can do what ever the fuck i want. god blessed me with this hair so i can do what ever i so please. i could fry it dye it, i could get locs , i could get a weave,. is that any one else's business? NO. should they have a say in it? FUCK NO. if I wnt opinions on how i look mother fucker I'll ask, I don't do this for other people. i do this for me. I have to wake up and look at me in the morning. I am my star player. i'm the real mvp in my own life. I don't need the approval of others as pertaining to my aesthetics. I could shave my head bald Right fucking now just because and i would still see myself as a beautiful bitch, because it's true. and no one can take that from me. I'm tired of guys and their bullshit about hair and make up. it's like "I don't want to hear about how you feel about black lipstick nigga. I didn't buy it because you wanted it. I don't complain about your hair nuts don't talk about my false eyelashes. i want to feel like an anime princess right now step the fuck off ol' crusty ass nigga." I don't have time dude. I really don't. I'm not living my life for other people, I'm just including them on the journey they don't have to be there. this isn't a what makes them happy party. I don't care if i get called out for having tattoos or piercing my nose, having natural hair, having processed hair. everything seems to be a contest over whats better for you and whats mainstream and what you should be doing. that just leaves people pissed off empty and insecure. and i hate the phrase independent black woman because i feel like its disingenuous. they don't really think I'm any different for working hard, they don't respect me and my goals, and those same people are going to turn around and ask if its okay to say nigga. I'm not down for that shit, i feel like its patronizing. its like someone pinching your cheeks and going "well aren't you an independent little black woman you think you're going to make a change in a patriarchal white male society oh that's cute here's a cookie." as they slap your ass and call you a red bone. its all dog shit man.its like i ended up being a stereotype by trying to fight stereotypes and it make me sick.  it's all sick. the whole fucking thing. sometimes I get really sad, because people make me so angry it hurts and it's always people that you're cool with and close too. strangers dont piss me off as muck as the people I fuck with

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.

Chapter 2:Clinger?

I'm a clinger. Oh my god I feel so gross because I never felt this way before and I do not like it. I mean like I I just text once in a while but I am having stupid feelings and it is upsetting because i just feel like a crazy person. i feel like a sociopath because this is a bigger part of my life than i thought it would be. i thought i would be in the middle of a new relationship by now, or at least fucking someone new. It's like it wont end and i want to just push the system reboot setting on my brain so i just stop caring and stop worrying and feeling like i need to talk to the EX. I mean I know that i am no longer wanted but I don't even feel like myself anymore, i feel like this gross clingy love demon, and EVERY single channel i turn to has something about break ups or relationships or some shit and I just want to burst into flames and die.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying. it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me
I am a pretty rad bitch, and i don't understand why i keep doing basic bitch things and still fucking hoping that one day i'll wake up and he'll care. I hate caring, I hate thinking about people who aren't thinking about me but it never fucking ends, and now i am adding to the cycle of Break up blogs and sons and tv show after talking so much shit about break up shows and crap. I want to be stronger, I want to be able to walk away and never look back and never hope that things will be different and just go somewhere. i have been looking for a job so i wont have to be a home but all the jobs that want me to work with them are jobs where i have to work online and stay at home and fester in my own turmoil.I want my life back! I want my life to start I want to feel like I am in control and that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't want to think about anything that involves romance unless it's a novel or a movie or something. I want a mohawk and infinite amounts of spending money. I feel so stuck like I am drowning and everyone says it's going to get better and things will be looking up but they never say when.When will I have enough money to not be trapped in a box?When will my feelings all go dull and I can go back to living in peaceful indifference? When the fuck is it going to get better? because right now it sure isn't getting fucking better.

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY