Chapter 12: Twisted Sister

I cant get along with any body. I was always so upset at the treatment I had recieved at home but now I'm starting to feel like it's my fault that I don't have it easy. like despite my efforts to get along with my family and overcome my own issues i'm still the cause of most of my failed relationships, either with family or friends or even Goat man. my over whelming pride seems to be the overall theme to my re-occuring folly. what am i actually supposed to do though? because there's always this battle between letting people walk all over you and being a prideful cunt. where is the happy medium? does that medium actually exist? how do you express your dislikes and the feelings of someone else remains unscathed. there's no winning really. because you either hurt someone else or you hold in all the bile and negativity and hurt yourself. there has to be a way for someone to gauge these things to become neither resentful or hateful of another and cultivate forgiveness without becoming a doormat. there can be strength in humility right? or is that just some catch 22 bullshit where either way you sort of get fucked over regardless. I want to let go of being raked over the coals all the time but it happens so often that I'm starting to feel like i'm to blame. I'm honestly tired of feeling guilty all the time so my relationships with other people can grow. I've been feeling so powerless, and so angry and I know what normal mentally stable people would say, just move on and forget but how can you learn the lesson that those bad experiences were supposed to teach you if you don't reflect. Or those experiences were just trials and thee was no real lesson to begin with it was just a sucky period of time. All and all I'm floundering. but it's going to get better as soon as I get out of my head.

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.