Fucking Aquarius

There's something I've always wanted to be ever since I was a little girl besides being loved romantically, I've wanted to be like a Queen B. I wanted to be so hot and feared. I wanted to be the stereo-typically gorgeous bombshell that left bodies in their wake. that's all I've wanted more than anything. I used to feel like if i was that person my life would be smoother. but no matter what mask i wear i'm still going to be the same person, spiteful, insecure, wary, those emotions surfaced recently being in a weird emotional situation with someone i used to care about deeply. it's like they amplified the feelings of being lost, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, undateable. I feel it every time i hear their name or see them or talk to them via text it just feels hopeless. and i have this nagging to just cut out and run from them, I'm just confused and scared and I'm still that chubby little girl with a mountain of hair and big glasses scuttling along undetected. like she'll never die until i kill her myself. It trips me out because I used to think "man i could never lose this person they're like my right arm i need them i adore them." but at this point I dread hearing from them, I don't want to be in any kind of social setting with them, I wish to disappear from them completely.

There is another part of me that is just angry. I'm angry that I let them in, I'm angry that I lowered my standards and my guard. I'm angry that this happened in the first place, I don't like that they got that close but thank god they've never seen me cry. I want them to feel everything that they've made me feel. All of it no chaser, the insecurity the self doubt the confusion the lost lonely unwanted feeling. I want tthem to see what they've done and how it hurt me. I want the realization i want to see it. i dont want the half assed "im sorry you felt this way." apology that I got. I want the "i'm sorry fro everything." this whole thing just makes me feel ugly. I haven't felt ugly since the 6th grade when i was a 180 pound fucking 5'5 wad of acne wearing my dads clothes to school. Currently I'm like 140/150 and 5'8 but I still feel the need to be skinnier. I feel like my face isn't as nice as i thought it was even though my skin cleared up so drastically. I had a night mare the other night about going on a date and the person wasnt into me so we ended up going to a speed dating club. we separated and they found someone they wanted to talk to but i couldn't find anyone. I ended up meeting a group of girls who ended up heckling me out of the club saying things like "oh how funny the ugly duckling really thought she turned into a swan." as i cried out of the club.

 I feel like thats true. The ugly duckling really didn't change. no matter how thin I get or how much makeup i wear its still going to be in there that little girl who got teased and pushed around by boys while the pretty girls got love notes on their desks. I dont know it's just been such a blow and I am still trying to recover and usually i point the energy inward like "how can I prevent something like this from happening again?" "how can i avoid having my heart broken?" "how can I deal with non shitty guys who are actually going to date me instead of fucking with my feelings and treating me like a girlfriend before they puss out and treat it like it was all in my head?" It's like they're always afraid of me like I'm some medusa some monster in a crevice some where. I'm so hurt, a lot of the time i have to shove it down so i dont look crazy so I continue to be cool Jade, Jade the cool girl who doesn't let her emotions get the best of her like other girls. Jade's cool not like them they're crazy. well I've got news for you Jade's CRazy and she represses her emotions because if you saw what was in this bag you'd run away/ But what good does being cool jade actually do ? when you'd be perfect for someone and they ride you into the ground and then you try to distance yourself and they show up again. coming back with the "when are we going to hang out?" text at 11pm
Like dude probably never, ou kicked my heart in the cudder and now you want to go back to everything like it's all peachy and i have no consequences for my shitty actions and fucking with people's feelings because i like attention is just something i do this is just who i am you cant be mad at me yadadadadadada like no YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT AND WRITE IT OFF LIKE IT'S A PERSONALITY QUIRK. I'm done, I'm not here for it and I'm not here for torturing myself. fucking playing songs for me about secret boyfriends and calling me out for keeping you a secret then playing it off like a joke and running away with your tail tucked in-between your legs when I out my feelings FUCK YOU ENTIRELY. If this was another person and I told them this happened to me they would be like wow what a dick but since its you I have to fucking swallow it up like an asshole. I keep running into assholes who are too scared to love me. fucking dicks running around trying me out for a spin and running away when they know they cant fucking handle it. you shouldnt have given it a test run YOU FUCK. then sending me a 5 page bullshit letter about how you didnt mean for it to be this way because you thought i was playing. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND YOU GOT SCARED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO REAL! you can eat all of my ass my entire ass and I HATE YOU. I wish i said no when you asked for my number. I wish I never let you in. I wish it never got this far. I should've listened to my mom. Everyone thought we ere dating because of the shit you would pull, hell i even thought we were going to date because of that bullshit but no you puss out because fuckign reasons and if i leave you YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASSHOLE if i leave you're going to play victim and be like 'she only wanted me for herself not because she cared about me.' 'she wasn't a real friend.' or blame it on yourself your physical form when its not even about that it's because you're a poisonous emotionally crippled monster and you drudge up negative feelings that i tried to bury a long time ago SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. like you make me crazy like sometimes i even feel like blaming myself like maybe it was me maybe i was ignoring some signs that it was one sided NOOP because you'd give both. youd go from NO to YES then settle in maybe and continue to fuck with me. fuck you for that. I'm a simple motherfucker, i operate on very basic levels. I don't do well with mixed signals because they mix up my emotions. BLACK AND WHITE RED AND BLUE simple clean cut fucking signals and you live in a fucking vat of grey paint because you're an artsy hipster piece of shit and you just fucking suck you just do shitty shitty bullshit. and fuck you for that all of it!

You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

Curse of the Swamp witch.

so lets begin a story about the ridiculous attrocity that i have begun to call a love life or lack there of. I am still begrudgingly single and the prospects that i do end up having strong feelings for are less then great.the loneliness of small town Tujunga is violently depressing and the sadness seeps into my bones.hope is the cruelest tool of all. the hope to leave. the hope to escape this Purgatory, the hope to love and be loved. the hope for friends who don't just use me as a free therapist. my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference.  and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except  how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.

Chapter 17: Hi, I'm Jade and I'm super fucking insecure.

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Chapter 8: Pussy Power

I'm super worried about my cats. like I didn't think about them being given away this whole process. I wasn't scared of anything accept where they are going to go. I guess I tried to keep myself preoccupy my time with getting rid of old clothes and washing everything and packing. I still have to clean my makeup brushes and organize all my art supplies.It stresses me out honestly. I fell in love with these cats and they have been the biggest blessing I've received so far. and now they might not go with a family that i trust they'll probably have to go to some people that I don't know and I'll never be able to see them again or visit them or anything they'll just be a memory gone in the wind.I thought everything would just fall into place. I'm not ready to let them go. I feel like a mom leaving her kids. I bonded with those weird little monsters I can't just leave them. but when you love something you are supposed to let it go, but its really hard.


 i know they'll be living a better life and I should  be happy that they'll be happy. I have to return library books and finalize when I leave with my stupid dad.  mean he's okay I'm just going to spend the entire ride to Irvine being interrogated about my mom 
and I really hate that because he puts me in a bad head space.he always turns her into a villain when we talk to each other and all I want to do is fix our own estranged relationship. His relationship with me doesn't have anything to do with my mom. my mom hardly ever talks about him,so why should I have to listen to him complain. they have been broken up for like three years, so I really don't care which parent is better. he's been doing that for years and I am really gullible so I believe like everything and then it just fucks up the relationship I have built with my mom. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest the only good part about this is that I have a job lined up already but i'm probably going to go to community college before I transfer to UC Irvine.  today isn't the best on the worrying front, but I got a lot done. I donated like three bags of clothes and I mailed out some makeup samples to friends and family. There's still so much that needs to be done before everything is finalized.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 5: Crazy Bitch

Today was one of my better days. I went on a sick adventure through the town that I live in and found the biggest library. the sad thing is it was occupied by school age children and they bother me. I met some old hippies on the bus today, and talked to the lady that makes smoothies at the juice place near the library. I feel like I shouldve bought the sweater i tried on at the thrift store, but then I wouldn't have had enough money to get the smoothie. I bought lipstick and eyeliner even though i was supposed to wait until i went to visit my home girl over the weekend to go on like a shopping spree with her. I am almost all out of money but considering that its me and I usually spend everything as soon as I get it i think I am doing alot better in that department. I still wish there was some kind of magical grunge dress emporium that sold everything at like five dollars and the highest prices were like ten dollars. all the boutiques i went into were both not my style and too expensive. it was depressing.

ANYWAYYSSSS.

i wanted to talk about something that doesnt sit well with me, and it's when people either know they are mental and decide that they are going to live in the basket case closet or they are going to not let the fact that they are fucked up register at all but then decide to point it out in other people. for starters, I've been going to a therapist on and off ever since my parents separated. I know that I have chronic anxiety that sends me on the borders of insanity and straight up panic. I tell people these things when I meet them. it's basically like this; "Hey, I'm Jade I like action movies, cuddling , and i have been diagnosed with anxiety which means sometimes I freak out a lot over things that don't really matter to other people and it makes things hard for me. Sometimes that means I will break down from time to time because my thoughts make me panic and that effects me physically. So, tell me about yourself."  

I have come to terms with my shit because i am aware that it is going to make everyday things difficult for me. it will be hard making long friendships, it will be hard being in a stable relationship, it will be difficult dealing with romantic feelings and relationships point blank.Both of my parents shows signs of bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. I didn't ask for that shit. but then again, it wasn't like I tried to hide it and then one day it just popped up out of nowhere that I had some problems. that being said my illness doesn't discount my feelings. When I feel something it isn't because I am crazy or I need mental help, it's because I am having legitimate feelings that need to be taken seriously. We live in a society where a woman's feelings are often discounted because of PMS, menstrual cycles, Female Fragility, ect. But it isn't ever based off of how the woman is being treated or what she is enduring. so then she becomes the villain, she becomes the crazy evil witch. If I don't use my illness as a crutch to act a fucking mess, don't treat me like i am less of a person. I haven't stopped trying to have romantic relationships, I haven't stopped trying to have meaningful friendships. I haven't given up and laid down letting the illness consume me until I became useless.I have accepted it as a part of me and figured out how to survive. And I know that I don't have to settle merely for survival. I can have a real life.All of my life it's been like walking on pins and needles because I was trying to make sure I didn't slip up, I didn't show them what lurked around inside of me and all the feelings I had been ashamed of having. Or somehow my feelings would make others uncomfortable. so I swallowed up everything    

   but it doesn't matter any more, because you know who ends up hurting when I bottle it all up and hide all of that shit it hurts me, i'm the one who has stomach problems and sleepless night, i'm the one who cries until there is nothing left, i am the one with unresolved emotions festering in my bones, while everyone else lives comfortably not knowing that i'm dying a little bit everyday trying to keep everyone else comfortable. 

So, I guess this is growing up

Do you ever see people you went to high school with and they got hotter and they're doing things with their lives and you just feel like a potato because your life is going down hill one day at a time. some days it feels like things are getting better sometimes I feel like everything i'm doing is a waste of time. I feel like
I should've gone to college or at least art school but I didn't want to I thought I could make some thing of myself without going the same route that everyone else did. I have serious writers block and I can't draw  because I have art block as well and I have little to no inspiration. The only thing that is actually prospering is this blog because my life is out of control and i need to vent my frustrations without talking to my friends and making them sick of hearing me complain. I feel really lost and really confused. I'd really like to know if I was doing the right thing for myself but at the same time who is to tell me what is right when they aren't the ones living my life.The only thing that feels right is getting tattoos and piercings. it's the only thing that seems to make me happy. I feel more powerful when I get them. All the things that make me happy cost money, leaving me poor. so then it comes full circle and I end up unhappy. I don't know what i want to be and I don't know where I am going but I know who i want to be and who I want to be with so I've done something right.  I just want to shop all my feelings away. I want to buy make up and be trashy/fabulous. I want to move out and be left alone. I want to live a real life but I feel like it'll never start. I don't fair well with stasis and I don't want to stay in this place. It's like Charming, it's a poisonous town with poisonous people. I'm stuck in a vipers pit.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me

Chapter 2:Clinger?

I'm a clinger. Oh my god I feel so gross because I never felt this way before and I do not like it. I mean like I I just text once in a while but I am having stupid feelings and it is upsetting because i just feel like a crazy person. i feel like a sociopath because this is a bigger part of my life than i thought it would be. i thought i would be in the middle of a new relationship by now, or at least fucking someone new. It's like it wont end and i want to just push the system reboot setting on my brain so i just stop caring and stop worrying and feeling like i need to talk to the EX. I mean I know that i am no longer wanted but I don't even feel like myself anymore, i feel like this gross clingy love demon, and EVERY single channel i turn to has something about break ups or relationships or some shit and I just want to burst into flames and die.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying. it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me
I am a pretty rad bitch, and i don't understand why i keep doing basic bitch things and still fucking hoping that one day i'll wake up and he'll care. I hate caring, I hate thinking about people who aren't thinking about me but it never fucking ends, and now i am adding to the cycle of Break up blogs and sons and tv show after talking so much shit about break up shows and crap. I want to be stronger, I want to be able to walk away and never look back and never hope that things will be different and just go somewhere. i have been looking for a job so i wont have to be a home but all the jobs that want me to work with them are jobs where i have to work online and stay at home and fester in my own turmoil.I want my life back! I want my life to start I want to feel like I am in control and that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't want to think about anything that involves romance unless it's a novel or a movie or something. I want a mohawk and infinite amounts of spending money. I feel so stuck like I am drowning and everyone says it's going to get better and things will be looking up but they never say when.When will I have enough money to not be trapped in a box?When will my feelings all go dull and I can go back to living in peaceful indifference? When the fuck is it going to get better? because right now it sure isn't getting fucking better.

Chapter 1: HAVING FEELINGS

okay so this is just going to be a series based off of the last post 'Adventures in Ex-girlfriendhood,' basically categorizing all the gross inbetween crap before becoming fabulous and living in the land of acceptance and getting an apartment in 'the friendzone.'You're going to get tired of reading these around the time I get tired of posting them. This for me is an exercise in expression instead of repressing the issue and letting it fester and make me even more bitter than I already am.I had a really great day today, I bought new shampoo and conditioner with keratin oils in them, and i bought gel, and got my eyebrows done. then after I made a new friend and went on a Job interview that ended in me being an official Avon lady. Despite not having a car, and not having a bank account or credit cards making me still less than a person, I always end up explaining that I don't know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me since a lot of my family sees me as the dumb careless happy idiot who just happened to be good at drawing.

I wish people didn't think I was dumb because I was quiet, introverted, and easygoing, or even too optimistic. I work really hard for people to finally realize that
I am mature and I can handle myself without any ones help but everyone just ends up patting me on the head and giving me a cookie.I still miss having real conversations with Goat Man, but now the conversations are just polite small talk like the way out would talk to a friend that you don't care for very much. I still don't understand why I get a job, and my friends show up in my life regularly when there is no more Goat Man.I guess it doesn't really matter, I still feel like I'm a little empty. I don't want to feel anything about it but at the same time I just want to go and talk to him, or call ,or even just text but at the same time it's hard to have casual conversations if you're me because all I think of is what I'd REALLY like to say which would probably push him even father away than he is now.

Everything is just so weird. I want to be able to say everything in my head without it having some sort of nuclear reaction.I don't even understand why I still want to hang on because even in youtube videos they talk about realizing your worth and leaving bad situations or leaving people alone if they don't want to but it's like my head and my heart are having problems getting along and it's making it hard for me to be by myself without being busy because I just end up overthinking, or just pining away because I still have feelings that haven't gone away and I'm just in this weird limbo.my skin is irritable because I have been stressing myself out and all I want to do is eat pounds and pounds of chocolate. I don't even have Chocolate. I know I am stronger than this, and one day I'll look back at these posts and probably laugh because I've found the person of my dreams and we've gotten married and had a life together and I'll laugh at how heart broken 18 year old me was and feel sorry for her for being so sad about a guy. I guess I should just stop being so hard on myself and welcome these illogical feelings of sadness and mourning even though I knew that it was going to happen anyway because it is a totally natural part of human life and dating and romantic cycles. I should cut myself a break because it's not like I am vulcan, and Illogical feelings will pop up and bug me from time to time, I can't really fight them, because stuffing them down and trying to fight them off is the most dangerous thing to do.

I wish I was colder and harder so I would care less. I wish I was a mean heartless bitch who gobbled up other people's misery and didnt give a damn about anything or anyone and how they feel about me. I wish I was rich enough to shop until I dropped and wore sexy clothes all the time and looked amazing every single day. I always seem to be the person who forgives everything and wants everything back to normal, I wish I could hold grudges and hate everyone who had ever hurt my feelings but I'm just not wired that way and I want to make things better and make everyone happy because I'm already happy. I like who I am when I'm not having feelings and being a fuck-ass. %80 percent of the time i'm great, i just need to stop being a door mat the other %20 of the time.I want this to be over to tell you the truth, it's as if I could wake up tomorrow and feel nothing and just continue to do bad assery