Thoroughly Aroused and Uncomfortable

the thirst is rising. I feel like my overwhelming thirstiness is going to become problematic. I
 should be used to being alone in the biblical sense, I mean I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 17, I probably wont get another one until I am 35. I haven't really been looking though, mostly just harmless oogling of strangers who I happen to find visually pleasing but I feel like the thirst is deeper than just that of carnal lust. I feel like I am romantically thirsty. I want all my passions to be ignited. I want some paradise lost shit. I'm sort of bored. I mean I've been alone for a month. Time seems to be going slower. everything seems longer than it is. days feel like months weeks feel like years. it fucking sucks. but the good news I've started going to my church again, well it's a kingdom hall but i like to simplify things. i'm looking forward to going on Wednesday,  but my loneliness is a product of my pride.I don't know when this dry spell will end or if it ever will. I am not sure I will ever have a great romance again. I use god, and writing to escape the overwhelming longings budding from my heart and growing like poisonous weeds into my brain.I hate this feeling. I wish this feeling could be put into a bottle and sprayed at my enemies. I might watch like water for chocolate and cry and be weird. I'm not sure what I am doing. Everyone tells me that I'll get passed this feeling and everything will be fine and something better will come blah blah blah blah blah. I really don't give a fuck about those hallmark card bullshit anecdotes because at the end of the day i'm still going to be horny and romantically unfulfilled. I don't know why I am surprised, I knew how everything was going to play out, I even said one day he'd get tired of me, because I am disagreeable, frightfully stubborn, overly sensitive, and so forth. Being with me is a job in its self. being me is a soul sucking career that you can never escape from. I'm angry because I still miss him, I am angry because I thought that I was above these feelings because I was smart. Being smart didn't get me shit except for a blog that only earns about thirty fucking cents and scornful regret that plagues me on a nightly basis. This isnt pretty or fluffy or romantic; it's border line obsession. it's fucking killing me. But at the same time I love being this miserable because I know that what I felt was real and honest and true. even though it's gone now, It was the rawest and purest form of a true love and need for someone. I might never really give two fucks about anyone the same way I did, and I know now I am certain that what I felt was real because it wouldn't hurt like this if it wasn't.It was like he was my johnny depp. But no matter how well adjusted i want to be and how sane i want to seem i am in an inhuman amount of pain some nights. some times I am so happy I am hysterical. I feel like the same feelings I had when I was falling in love with Goat man but i feel them in my own company. I feel wild, and untouchable, I feel like a magical being. I wish I had felt this power while I was with him so he could experience what I am. Its the best thing to experience when you see yourself for who you are and you feel like a wolf woman.Maybe he was just a stepping stone for me to actually get to this point, because without being pushed through the flames I wouldn't have risen from my own ashes. I know that right now i am not ready for a relationship, especially not one with a former flame. but i do want it so desperately that it agitates me to pain. Nothing will be the same with anyone one else and that makes me sad. it's like when you have high end wine and then you switch to beer. I would rather be left with the memory and the sweetness then dilute it with some shitty cheap replacement just to get me drunk enough to forget. It wouldn't be fair to try to love someone else now, not when I can see his eyes every time I close my own, now when i can hear him and feel him. It wouldn't be fair at all. I don't know when this will end but hopefully it happens soon because my threshold for pain is not as high as it used to be and my tolerance for heart break has also disappeared. I don't want a life without the type of passion and love that can shatter worlds. I will settle for nothing less then whirlwind romance and all that good shit because i have had it once and I know it is real.     

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

Letters Never Sent

some days I really hate you. some days I want you to burst into flames or tears or anything unpleasant.some days I feel like I'd been abandoned because you said so many things to me and I told you that I didn't like promises like those because everyone who has said things like that to me had disappeared. but you didn't listen. you never listened. I like dark orange sunflowers. I don't like red roses. I told you I didn't like roses so many times. but it seemed like everything I told you would go in one ear and out the other. I forgave your trespasses because I adored you. I looked past all the times that you didn't introduce me to family members because your mom always did for you. it seemed like she cared more than you did sometimes. I keep thinking about how you have both hearts. the silver one you gave me and the jade one I gave you. it is sort of like ironic symbolism because you still have your heart, but you took mine too. I wish I could stay angry with you like you did. I wish I could hold a grudge and hate you. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I was done. but I'm not. you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and you stay in my head until I go to sleep. I don't understand why I am the way I am. why I forgive so easily and why I am so soft.I wish I could be like you and run away without feeling anything. but I've always felt too much. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that I left a scar like you did. I hope when you do think of me you think of good things like when we had fun and we were friendly. think of me like I died and blur out all the bad memories. keep a memorial of me in your heart so that you can kill the anger in you hold onto. I was childish, but I was angry I'm thinking of this all now because we'll probably never see each other again and  you'll live you're own life. you'll get married and have kids giving someone else the forever that you promised me. I accept that. but at the same time I hope you don't forget me. and one day you'll tell your sons to watch out for girls like me. tell them to watch out for the girls who are brutally honest, and creative. watch out for the smart and strange girls. watch out for the passionate savage women that exist in the world. because one day one will show up and turn their worlds upside down. and they'd be a fool to let them go. just like you were. I lied when I said my love for you had ran out, that was the only lie I've ever told you. It'll never die unfortunately, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I didn't want to pretend I didn't have feelings for you and I could move on. My honest little heart burned at the act I put on so there'd be hope. but the truth is I'd rather live the rest of my life being hated by you for what i said to you then having to hold it inside pretending that everything was alright.I can go about my life sweeping through towns like a sweet wind because I feel like that's what was meant to happen. And as I scorch my paths I'll always think fondly of you even if you don't feel the same way.and I'll be free. Thank you for setting me free.the life you wanted to give me wasn't the part I was supposed to play. I love you darling. I always will.

Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Chapter 1: HAVING FEELINGS

okay so this is just going to be a series based off of the last post 'Adventures in Ex-girlfriendhood,' basically categorizing all the gross inbetween crap before becoming fabulous and living in the land of acceptance and getting an apartment in 'the friendzone.'You're going to get tired of reading these around the time I get tired of posting them. This for me is an exercise in expression instead of repressing the issue and letting it fester and make me even more bitter than I already am.I had a really great day today, I bought new shampoo and conditioner with keratin oils in them, and i bought gel, and got my eyebrows done. then after I made a new friend and went on a Job interview that ended in me being an official Avon lady. Despite not having a car, and not having a bank account or credit cards making me still less than a person, I always end up explaining that I don't know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me since a lot of my family sees me as the dumb careless happy idiot who just happened to be good at drawing.

I wish people didn't think I was dumb because I was quiet, introverted, and easygoing, or even too optimistic. I work really hard for people to finally realize that
I am mature and I can handle myself without any ones help but everyone just ends up patting me on the head and giving me a cookie.I still miss having real conversations with Goat Man, but now the conversations are just polite small talk like the way out would talk to a friend that you don't care for very much. I still don't understand why I get a job, and my friends show up in my life regularly when there is no more Goat Man.I guess it doesn't really matter, I still feel like I'm a little empty. I don't want to feel anything about it but at the same time I just want to go and talk to him, or call ,or even just text but at the same time it's hard to have casual conversations if you're me because all I think of is what I'd REALLY like to say which would probably push him even father away than he is now.

Everything is just so weird. I want to be able to say everything in my head without it having some sort of nuclear reaction.I don't even understand why I still want to hang on because even in youtube videos they talk about realizing your worth and leaving bad situations or leaving people alone if they don't want to but it's like my head and my heart are having problems getting along and it's making it hard for me to be by myself without being busy because I just end up overthinking, or just pining away because I still have feelings that haven't gone away and I'm just in this weird limbo.my skin is irritable because I have been stressing myself out and all I want to do is eat pounds and pounds of chocolate. I don't even have Chocolate. I know I am stronger than this, and one day I'll look back at these posts and probably laugh because I've found the person of my dreams and we've gotten married and had a life together and I'll laugh at how heart broken 18 year old me was and feel sorry for her for being so sad about a guy. I guess I should just stop being so hard on myself and welcome these illogical feelings of sadness and mourning even though I knew that it was going to happen anyway because it is a totally natural part of human life and dating and romantic cycles. I should cut myself a break because it's not like I am vulcan, and Illogical feelings will pop up and bug me from time to time, I can't really fight them, because stuffing them down and trying to fight them off is the most dangerous thing to do.

I wish I was colder and harder so I would care less. I wish I was a mean heartless bitch who gobbled up other people's misery and didnt give a damn about anything or anyone and how they feel about me. I wish I was rich enough to shop until I dropped and wore sexy clothes all the time and looked amazing every single day. I always seem to be the person who forgives everything and wants everything back to normal, I wish I could hold grudges and hate everyone who had ever hurt my feelings but I'm just not wired that way and I want to make things better and make everyone happy because I'm already happy. I like who I am when I'm not having feelings and being a fuck-ass. %80 percent of the time i'm great, i just need to stop being a door mat the other %20 of the time.I want this to be over to tell you the truth, it's as if I could wake up tomorrow and feel nothing and just continue to do bad assery

Happy Fucking New Year.

I know i have been inactive a lot the last few weeks, but the end of this year hasn't been very pleasant. I try really hard to keep my personal life and my blog in two different areanas but now I just don't care. My adsence application was denied so i am not getting paid for my blog posts, my boyfriend Goat Man dumped me, and the Grandmother from hell moved in and started fucking up the whole vibe in my home. she was only supposed to be living with us for a month but her and my mom decided the wanted to uproot me and my life and move out to Northridge, where I was born. I know I don't have a lot going for my any more in Sunland since my high school friends and I had a falling out when I met Goat man, which is not a bros before hoes situation either. a friend of mine had a crush on me and started to act weird once I had gotten a boyfriend and it was just a whole lot of fucking drama. But basically all I had left was him. so basically now if I stay in Sunland I will be living alone in a one bedroom apartment that costs way too much and I still haven't found a good job even though I have gone on COUNTLESS job interviews.

But if I move with my mom and Grandmonster I will be in a continuous state of discomfort and loathing even though I tried really hard to get used to her and like her she still turned out to suck. so i will probably have to place fucking ads on craigslist so I can get a roommate to help me pay for the apartment, but i will finally be alone and no longer subject to vehement hatred and tension in my home. it just seemed like my entire life so far has been a catch twenty-two. everything is terrible no matter which way I look and I know that sounds angsty but that's how i feel. now i am doing this house sitting gig for my ex's family but my ex still ignores me most of the time and makes me feel dumb when I do talk to him, but that had been the tenor of most of our relationship. I try to help, try to fix things, try to give him advice but no I'm still the immature one and I am the one that needs to 'work on myself." because no matter what i'm still doing something wrong or i'm not good enough. to that i say FUCK THAT.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but i was a pretty damn awesome girlfriend, and a pretty reasonable ex girlfriend.But apparently still not up to fucking par. this is probably going to get flagged because I am cursing and I still wont qualify for adsense because i don't MEET THE REQUIREMENTS. I am fucking awesome and I deserve better from next year. I'm tired of my life not being in my control, I'm tired of getting fucked over by people I trust and admire. 2014 gets the fucking finger! i worked so hard and got shit on in every fucking directions. the best part of this year was getting the house sitting gig so I could avoid all the shitty problems in my home life.

Don't get me wrong the beginning of my relationship was totally awesome and I had a lot of fun. But right now i am just totally pissed and everything is just festering because I cant hold my own in real arguements without crying like a little bitch because I thought this would be the one person that I didn't have to fight with and that everything would be forgiven and we would accept each other because I risked a lot to date him and it still blew up in my face. I'm just so tired of things falling apart because i work really hard to stay sane and to contribute to society and my fucking book. but i guess I still need to harder!

                                                                                              HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY