Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.