Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

Chapter 18:The Ghost Queen

often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.  I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.  i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess. this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,

Thoroughly Aroused and Uncomfortable

the thirst is rising. I feel like my overwhelming thirstiness is going to become problematic. I
 should be used to being alone in the biblical sense, I mean I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 17, I probably wont get another one until I am 35. I haven't really been looking though, mostly just harmless oogling of strangers who I happen to find visually pleasing but I feel like the thirst is deeper than just that of carnal lust. I feel like I am romantically thirsty. I want all my passions to be ignited. I want some paradise lost shit. I'm sort of bored. I mean I've been alone for a month. Time seems to be going slower. everything seems longer than it is. days feel like months weeks feel like years. it fucking sucks. but the good news I've started going to my church again, well it's a kingdom hall but i like to simplify things. i'm looking forward to going on Wednesday,  but my loneliness is a product of my pride.I don't know when this dry spell will end or if it ever will. I am not sure I will ever have a great romance again. I use god, and writing to escape the overwhelming longings budding from my heart and growing like poisonous weeds into my brain.I hate this feeling. I wish this feeling could be put into a bottle and sprayed at my enemies. I might watch like water for chocolate and cry and be weird. I'm not sure what I am doing. Everyone tells me that I'll get passed this feeling and everything will be fine and something better will come blah blah blah blah blah. I really don't give a fuck about those hallmark card bullshit anecdotes because at the end of the day i'm still going to be horny and romantically unfulfilled. I don't know why I am surprised, I knew how everything was going to play out, I even said one day he'd get tired of me, because I am disagreeable, frightfully stubborn, overly sensitive, and so forth. Being with me is a job in its self. being me is a soul sucking career that you can never escape from. I'm angry because I still miss him, I am angry because I thought that I was above these feelings because I was smart. Being smart didn't get me shit except for a blog that only earns about thirty fucking cents and scornful regret that plagues me on a nightly basis. This isnt pretty or fluffy or romantic; it's border line obsession. it's fucking killing me. But at the same time I love being this miserable because I know that what I felt was real and honest and true. even though it's gone now, It was the rawest and purest form of a true love and need for someone. I might never really give two fucks about anyone the same way I did, and I know now I am certain that what I felt was real because it wouldn't hurt like this if it wasn't.It was like he was my johnny depp. But no matter how well adjusted i want to be and how sane i want to seem i am in an inhuman amount of pain some nights. some times I am so happy I am hysterical. I feel like the same feelings I had when I was falling in love with Goat man but i feel them in my own company. I feel wild, and untouchable, I feel like a magical being. I wish I had felt this power while I was with him so he could experience what I am. Its the best thing to experience when you see yourself for who you are and you feel like a wolf woman.Maybe he was just a stepping stone for me to actually get to this point, because without being pushed through the flames I wouldn't have risen from my own ashes. I know that right now i am not ready for a relationship, especially not one with a former flame. but i do want it so desperately that it agitates me to pain. Nothing will be the same with anyone one else and that makes me sad. it's like when you have high end wine and then you switch to beer. I would rather be left with the memory and the sweetness then dilute it with some shitty cheap replacement just to get me drunk enough to forget. It wouldn't be fair to try to love someone else now, not when I can see his eyes every time I close my own, now when i can hear him and feel him. It wouldn't be fair at all. I don't know when this will end but hopefully it happens soon because my threshold for pain is not as high as it used to be and my tolerance for heart break has also disappeared. I don't want a life without the type of passion and love that can shatter worlds. I will settle for nothing less then whirlwind romance and all that good shit because i have had it once and I know it is real.     

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me

Chapter 1: HAVING FEELINGS

okay so this is just going to be a series based off of the last post 'Adventures in Ex-girlfriendhood,' basically categorizing all the gross inbetween crap before becoming fabulous and living in the land of acceptance and getting an apartment in 'the friendzone.'You're going to get tired of reading these around the time I get tired of posting them. This for me is an exercise in expression instead of repressing the issue and letting it fester and make me even more bitter than I already am.I had a really great day today, I bought new shampoo and conditioner with keratin oils in them, and i bought gel, and got my eyebrows done. then after I made a new friend and went on a Job interview that ended in me being an official Avon lady. Despite not having a car, and not having a bank account or credit cards making me still less than a person, I always end up explaining that I don't know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me since a lot of my family sees me as the dumb careless happy idiot who just happened to be good at drawing.

I wish people didn't think I was dumb because I was quiet, introverted, and easygoing, or even too optimistic. I work really hard for people to finally realize that
I am mature and I can handle myself without any ones help but everyone just ends up patting me on the head and giving me a cookie.I still miss having real conversations with Goat Man, but now the conversations are just polite small talk like the way out would talk to a friend that you don't care for very much. I still don't understand why I get a job, and my friends show up in my life regularly when there is no more Goat Man.I guess it doesn't really matter, I still feel like I'm a little empty. I don't want to feel anything about it but at the same time I just want to go and talk to him, or call ,or even just text but at the same time it's hard to have casual conversations if you're me because all I think of is what I'd REALLY like to say which would probably push him even father away than he is now.

Everything is just so weird. I want to be able to say everything in my head without it having some sort of nuclear reaction.I don't even understand why I still want to hang on because even in youtube videos they talk about realizing your worth and leaving bad situations or leaving people alone if they don't want to but it's like my head and my heart are having problems getting along and it's making it hard for me to be by myself without being busy because I just end up overthinking, or just pining away because I still have feelings that haven't gone away and I'm just in this weird limbo.my skin is irritable because I have been stressing myself out and all I want to do is eat pounds and pounds of chocolate. I don't even have Chocolate. I know I am stronger than this, and one day I'll look back at these posts and probably laugh because I've found the person of my dreams and we've gotten married and had a life together and I'll laugh at how heart broken 18 year old me was and feel sorry for her for being so sad about a guy. I guess I should just stop being so hard on myself and welcome these illogical feelings of sadness and mourning even though I knew that it was going to happen anyway because it is a totally natural part of human life and dating and romantic cycles. I should cut myself a break because it's not like I am vulcan, and Illogical feelings will pop up and bug me from time to time, I can't really fight them, because stuffing them down and trying to fight them off is the most dangerous thing to do.

I wish I was colder and harder so I would care less. I wish I was a mean heartless bitch who gobbled up other people's misery and didnt give a damn about anything or anyone and how they feel about me. I wish I was rich enough to shop until I dropped and wore sexy clothes all the time and looked amazing every single day. I always seem to be the person who forgives everything and wants everything back to normal, I wish I could hold grudges and hate everyone who had ever hurt my feelings but I'm just not wired that way and I want to make things better and make everyone happy because I'm already happy. I like who I am when I'm not having feelings and being a fuck-ass. %80 percent of the time i'm great, i just need to stop being a door mat the other %20 of the time.I want this to be over to tell you the truth, it's as if I could wake up tomorrow and feel nothing and just continue to do bad assery

Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.