Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 4: The Thirst

I don't know why but at this point I want to be in a relationship again. I feel a little guilty but its slowly faded out of my head. there are still times when i recall good memories or sexy memories but other than that I want to get back into dating. I don't know what it is about me but even people that I would normally never consider I think of what it be like to date them. I just want to date again. I liked going out and being called pretty and someone touching my butt.I feel almost impatient because I want to get right to the point where i am cuddled up to someone telling them that I love them. I feel like a serial monogamist..I feel like I should hold on to the memory of Goat Man but it's not worth holding on. I mean the whole point of going through a break up is letting go, and the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore. I would've stayed mad but i feel like he gave me the chance to live life again by removing himself from the relationship. I felt like i had gotten a second chance to be the person I was supposed to be.I'd become lazy and complacent and all my energy was being poured into that relationship instead of into myself.I just wish that before we split up he hadn't have told me how much he wanted to marry me, or about the stupid engagement ring he bought in Hawaii.It was a low blow and even now it still stings.It's like he had wanted to make sure I wouldn't recover.we wouldn't have lasted if we did get married.He didn't have any other real goals besides those of a romantic nature.We wouldn't have been a good couple in the long run. we were kind of toxic, we made each other weak and it was just not right. when you are with some body you are supposed to be the best version of yourself but in the end we muted each other. it's good that we aren't together. I mean it still makes me sad because I did adore him, but Now both of us can really be free and be the people we want to be.
 I am gradually starting to like who i am and i feel better about me and myself. I don't feel any guilt toward how it ended and I don't blame Goat man for anything either. I feel like I can do about anything. 
 I don't know what I am lacking to feel the need that I must be in a relationship with someone to be happy. I guess I am used to giving affection and it just feels good to be in love.it's like a drug. you cant get enough of the person you are with and it's an escape from the other parts of your life that suck. I'm happy being alone, but I don't like being lonely. Now it's weird at home and I feel like I don't even belong here. it's always tense because the grandmonster is still being a pain in the ass and she always seems to have something shitty to say. the easiest thing to do at this point is to ignore her but it's still unfair that i have to be bullied in my own home, and my mom is too much of a coward to help me.I'm still searching for a job but I keep getting calls from places that want me to be my own boss.But whatever, side jobs don't hurt, i'd really just like to have an hourly paying job though.but I hope that if I call in and keep being obnoxious until they hire me.
                                                                                       that's it for now, K byeee.

Adventures in Ex-girlfriend(hood)

Hey, hope you all had a really great holiday break and I am sad for those going back to work and school after having such a great time off. I wasn't sure what to call this post whether i should call it Adventures in ex- girlfriendDOM or ex girlfriendHOOD but either way this is basically my EXperience {hahahaha}. So basically I sort of feel better being an ex than i did being an actual girlfriend. It seems like everyone has been breaking up recently so I don't feel so pitiful. In a weird way I like my ex- more than i had while we were dating. I saw him today but it was very brief, I just ended up being a troll when he left hoping that he would be thinking about me, how good I look, how different my hair looks, how awesome my nose ring is. it seems immature and lame but it's human to be petty. I shouldn't focus all my energy on it I know that. the thing that has bothered me the most was the pity party everyone wants to throw for me because i am single now.They always apologize and make it seem like I have lost a family member or i have cancer when in actuality the fucker is in the next room eating cheetos or some shit.I'm a little happier now which is sort of twisted but at the same time i feel like there is something missing like a piece of me is gone. I don't make it a practice to be very emotional, I guess now all my anger towards the situation has been stored in this energy pouch that's just makes me want to be sexy and productive and get shit done. I want to conquer things. I feel like I have a new start in everything. I feel conflicted to say the least. it's a good and bad type situation, like I feel free but at the same time i miss having the companionship, i miss being a girlfriend and always being there and always having someone to talk to and I obviously miss regular sex. I don't know how to feel. I feel like I am obsessive because that's all I want to talk about and I can't seem to let it go, I'm irritated that it takes so long to move on. i am not sure how long the grieving period is supposed to be, but i don't like it, I don't like grieving and caring and thinking about the situation and replaying everything over and over again in my head because I am so fixated on either being right, or being angry, or just missing all the good parts of my relationship.I'm not sure if i want to move towns because i still have those feelings and sometimes I do think that we could get back together, other times i hate the bastard and hope he bursts into either flames or tears at the very thought of my godliness. Either way he has a lot of my energy and I don't like that. now we just exist separately. I keep getting told to either let him go or fight for what we had but I'm too confused now to even really bother. I'm planning on doing a lot of shopping tomorrow because doing that makes me feel really good, maybe even getting my eyebrows done and getting a little bit more sexy. I just have to focus on myself instead of everyone else. I like doing things for myself. I really just feel like my entire life is one big question mark. Like just a whole series of me walking around and being confused. I feel like subconsciously I do wish we could start over and date again, but there is this louder voice yelling over the tiny voice screaming "GO BE FABULOUS, YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU'RE REALLY HOT SOMEONE ELSE WILL FUCK YOU BETTER, YOU DON'T NEED HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RAD!" There are probably girls everywhere dealing with the same thing so I know i am not by myself, and I know that what ever i do is up to me and it's what'll make me the happiest not based off of what I am supposed to do. I am just so used to waiting and letting things play out so I don't get hurt but I felt most alive when I made choices for myself even though i got into fucked up situations and had a hard go of it it was still up to me and not anyone else and that felt great.
to be honest i feel like there is this die hard romantic that lived inside my head that I tried to kill with man hating and selfishness. but that little heart still pumps no matter how hard I try to drown it out.

Good news everyone

Good morning and happy Saturday. I didn't post anything yesterday cause I had this super rad adventure of just running around and being a little stoner. But I am going to be posting new art and fluffing the content on this blog instead of it just being about me I will feature brands and and artists that I admire.  I think I might have said this already but hehe oh well deal with it lol.  Today I'm most likely going to hang out with my boyfriend while he house sits for this couple he knows and we get to babysit their beautiful full bred poodle (he's still not fixed though so he might try to make my boyfriend his bitch again) but that's always fun to watch. I ate a whole bunch of chicken nuggets last night at like 11:00 at night. You know what those chicken nuggets are like the only thing keeping me from going full blown pescotarian (vegetarian that eats fish)
But yeah I got new ink pens and supplies recently too so I'll be uploading some pictures of those so you'll have an idea of either what to use or what to buy your friends who are illustrators