Chapter 14: Caught up in my feelings.

Allk i really want is a root beer float and somebody to tell me i'm pretty. I am feeling really close to my period right now and the last thing i need is to be alone and near my phone. as soon as i get to this point i get all weepy and sensitive and i want to text HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED because i'm a little bitch when it comes to him as a human being. I mean I do it to myself honestly, i watch romance movies at like midnight sitting in my draws and socks fucking wasting precious time being a freak. and it;s going to be raining soon. luckily i'll be going out with friends tomorrow. i dont know why i'm even up in my feelings; i've been offered sex from cute strangers but i dont know what to do because i dont do hook-ups you know i'm  like a nice girl and only one person has ever had my goodies. I am so mad because apart of me wants to follow through on one of the tinder offers but the other part of me cant let go so I end up turning it down and being frustrated.
I thought it'd be easy to just  jump back on the sexy horse, but I guess I'm not the girl I thought I was and I really hoped i'd be her by now. I even texted HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED but it was at like 1 in the morning and i knew he wasn't going to reply but
I did it anyway cause it was buggin' me all day and I don't ask for advice anymore because my friends are just as sick of hearing about him as i am thinking of him. maybe I'm not allowing myself to heal properly, I mean I thought diving into the ocean would drown all my feelings but being in the deep blue all alone just makes you think all the time anyway. but I ordered more lipstick, and i'm looking at dresses on line. I've been saving a lot of money but i still have shopaholic tendancies. I'd really like a large sum of money so I can just shop all my feelings out. I'm supposed to be getting a check from the internship I quit a few weeks back and my dad's finally catching up on child support so that's awesome! And I've lost some weight so I need smaller clothes anyway. this fucking mowhawk is getting on my nerves because my hair is growing out. but shit I have enough money to by fake eyelashes and concealer and everything I fucking want. I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school and thats going to be really awesome because i'm going to be this hot sexy talented makeup artist and HE WHO REMAINS UNNAMED is going to miss out on the sexy butterfly I end up being because no one seems to think I'm worth the trouble and I'm worth fighting for. that's fucking fine, because I was built this way to fight for myself. 

Tinder for Beginners prt 2

so I have had this app for two days and i see a pattern. it'll go from having a great time and being ecstatic meeting new worthwhile people and having nice conversations about dreams goals aspirations, but then there is a certain breed of men who dive right into the penis jokes. now i realized that my naivety has been my folly in the sense that i set myself up for these damn jokes and poorly thought out innuendos. like it starts off like "hey," "how are you what are you up to." then it goes into, my dick is my favorite body part," "do you want some marshmellows in your hot chocolate." "do you want some yellow to mix with your black?" "how's that ass looking?" who said that that was okay? like when they talk to girls does that shit work beyond cyber space? its all like bleh bleh bleh let me show you my cock, I bet you've never had whit dick before.     I'm sitting here looking at my phone like "this is why most girls in my generation are lesbians, because y'all are fucking ridiculous." it's exhausting. it's like an endless fuckboy trail. I don't understand why white guys, and asian guys dive straight into "ay shawtee whats good want some of this dick" like have you heard black people talk to eachother like this. my ass is sitting over here like "um..i'm watching iron man and reading fucking game of thrones speaking in complete sentences and running a blog, what the fuck are you trying to pull?"  I'm dying over here. it's like i'm not waiting for some douche in shining condom to fuck the sadness out of me, I've moved passed that phase in newly singleness. I can fuck the sad out of my damn self. I like having conversations. that's the only thing I really miss. I miss being attracted to someones mind and voice. I want to have a crush again. I'm too young to feel this indifferent. I want my story to have a plot twist hat leads me to random romance because I'm the shit. i'm not searching for penis jokes and racial innuendos. I'm aware that I'm chocolatey and delicious. I don't need you to remind me.come up with something better than putting your milk in my coco puffs.  I'm too damn fabulous for that shit. I mean compare me to a fuckin sonnet or a summers day mother fucker compare to a sunset or a cool breeze on a hot night.it's all bullshit. I had someone tell me "i'd never tried black girls before." NIGGA THE FAAAAWK YOU MEAN am i supposed to be some sexy racial experiment. pussy is pussy no matter what color the bitch is there is either good pussy or bad pussy, sex has no race.  the game is weak. and the whiteness is appalling. look I've never been rude to any culture i know all cultures are beautiful and shit but sometimes white guys do extra shit. it's like dude black girls are just girls don't make it weird. if you're white act white, don't go from Justin Beiber to asap rock just because you're talking to a woman of color. unless like you grew up around black people and that shit is natural. but dude i fucking cant. so the moral of the story; be yourself, no dick unless i ask for it and no chocolate lines unless i fuck with you heavy.   THE END

The Lovers

Do you ever have one of those days when you can peacefully recall an ex and just think of how much you miss them or how much you want to help them, you don't expect anything in return you simply feel like a guardian and want to tell them things that you think could help in the future, you don't really want them to love you or take you back you just want to see them get out of their own way since you've sat alone replaying their former actions in your head over and over again. You just feel like doing nice things for them without receiving gratification or any type of thanks for what you did because you can remember all the conversations about what they like so vividly in your head. Even if you cant be there when they get the gifts, they don't even have to know it was you.

I know it sounds really creepy and really stalker-ish. you can just see the color of their eyes when you blank out in the shower or nostalgia takes over and you remember how happy they looked. you go over everything in your head with no rage or ill will you just want to see them do well because they were so unhappy when they left and you could feel it. you could feel everything. it was like having two brains occupying one space, then separating but you can still hear the vibrations of the other soul that used to be so entwined with yours. But now that soul is free and you just want to see it exist peacefully and grow instead of continuing to vibrate in turmoil and the emotions that still haunt you.

there isn't a lot that I can do to make these feelings stop so now I just let them exist and swirl into soothing spirals in my brain. I can't change him or how he thinks. I can't do anything anymore it wasn't my job in the first place. he can either do his own growing or stay the same way. but every time I see a flannel I want to buy it on instinct and send it over. sometimes when i think of being successful in the future I think of buying him the car he always talked about and having it waiting for him in front of his home. He doesn't have to know it was me. the anger stage has withered away into calm indifference. my productivity and the work that I need to do has smothered all the rage since I had somewhere to place it. I am really glad that that rage existed, if it didn't i would be wollowing in my feelings instead of moving forward. the anger made me want to do something. it made me feel something. I didn't know that I could break the hold of the numbness inside of me. I mean what 18 year old can say they finished writing two books and they are working on a third? what 18 year old can say they are editing their own manuscripts.

then i sit here in a good mood feeling all good about myself and zen in my life. feeling like i am ready to text or talk or start a conversation but all you can see happening is that dumb nigga saying something stupid because he might not be in the same mental place that i am in, thus bringing me back to the anger stage feeling like you want to break all the windows in his car like that ghetto chick in the movie that got cheated on. i go from feeling like everything is zen and everyone is forgiven then i just end up back in beast mode over something stupid that isn't my fault because some boy cant get over his own feelings and blames me for his internalized anger issues and daddy problems. i want to text at least once, but in my head i already know how that shit is going to go and then i'll just end up saying something hateful and fucked up because the dragon had been awaken giving him something else to hold onto in that little rage pocket in his heart like the fucking american psycho.

it makes me crazy tht i know how the scenario is going to go because i wan to take that risk. that just sounds like a recurring theme, i keep wanting to take stupid ass risks even though i know how its going to end. 

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

Letters Never Sent

some days I really hate you. some days I want you to burst into flames or tears or anything unpleasant.some days I feel like I'd been abandoned because you said so many things to me and I told you that I didn't like promises like those because everyone who has said things like that to me had disappeared. but you didn't listen. you never listened. I like dark orange sunflowers. I don't like red roses. I told you I didn't like roses so many times. but it seemed like everything I told you would go in one ear and out the other. I forgave your trespasses because I adored you. I looked past all the times that you didn't introduce me to family members because your mom always did for you. it seemed like she cared more than you did sometimes. I keep thinking about how you have both hearts. the silver one you gave me and the jade one I gave you. it is sort of like ironic symbolism because you still have your heart, but you took mine too. I wish I could stay angry with you like you did. I wish I could hold a grudge and hate you. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I was done. but I'm not. you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and you stay in my head until I go to sleep. I don't understand why I am the way I am. why I forgive so easily and why I am so soft.I wish I could be like you and run away without feeling anything. but I've always felt too much. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that I left a scar like you did. I hope when you do think of me you think of good things like when we had fun and we were friendly. think of me like I died and blur out all the bad memories. keep a memorial of me in your heart so that you can kill the anger in you hold onto. I was childish, but I was angry I'm thinking of this all now because we'll probably never see each other again and  you'll live you're own life. you'll get married and have kids giving someone else the forever that you promised me. I accept that. but at the same time I hope you don't forget me. and one day you'll tell your sons to watch out for girls like me. tell them to watch out for the girls who are brutally honest, and creative. watch out for the smart and strange girls. watch out for the passionate savage women that exist in the world. because one day one will show up and turn their worlds upside down. and they'd be a fool to let them go. just like you were. I lied when I said my love for you had ran out, that was the only lie I've ever told you. It'll never die unfortunately, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I didn't want to pretend I didn't have feelings for you and I could move on. My honest little heart burned at the act I put on so there'd be hope. but the truth is I'd rather live the rest of my life being hated by you for what i said to you then having to hold it inside pretending that everything was alright.I can go about my life sweeping through towns like a sweet wind because I feel like that's what was meant to happen. And as I scorch my paths I'll always think fondly of you even if you don't feel the same way.and I'll be free. Thank you for setting me free.the life you wanted to give me wasn't the part I was supposed to play. I love you darling. I always will.

Chapter 8: Pussy Power

I'm super worried about my cats. like I didn't think about them being given away this whole process. I wasn't scared of anything accept where they are going to go. I guess I tried to keep myself preoccupy my time with getting rid of old clothes and washing everything and packing. I still have to clean my makeup brushes and organize all my art supplies.It stresses me out honestly. I fell in love with these cats and they have been the biggest blessing I've received so far. and now they might not go with a family that i trust they'll probably have to go to some people that I don't know and I'll never be able to see them again or visit them or anything they'll just be a memory gone in the wind.I thought everything would just fall into place. I'm not ready to let them go. I feel like a mom leaving her kids. I bonded with those weird little monsters I can't just leave them. but when you love something you are supposed to let it go, but its really hard.


 i know they'll be living a better life and I should  be happy that they'll be happy. I have to return library books and finalize when I leave with my stupid dad.  mean he's okay I'm just going to spend the entire ride to Irvine being interrogated about my mom 
and I really hate that because he puts me in a bad head space.he always turns her into a villain when we talk to each other and all I want to do is fix our own estranged relationship. His relationship with me doesn't have anything to do with my mom. my mom hardly ever talks about him,so why should I have to listen to him complain. they have been broken up for like three years, so I really don't care which parent is better. he's been doing that for years and I am really gullible so I believe like everything and then it just fucks up the relationship I have built with my mom. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest the only good part about this is that I have a job lined up already but i'm probably going to go to community college before I transfer to UC Irvine.  today isn't the best on the worrying front, but I got a lot done. I donated like three bags of clothes and I mailed out some makeup samples to friends and family. There's still so much that needs to be done before everything is finalized.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.