The Long Ass Ride

I have like zero fucking time for anything. I bought that fucking book The Longest Ride and I have no time to read it. but at the same time it's a little basic. the thing is it's so vanilla I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm  but like something drew me to read this like some fucking cosmic pull dragged my black ass to read this vanilla ice cream cone that the media is making into a movie. 

But I am a sucker and a bit of a romantic so I bought this shit, and I am going to see the movie and watch Scott Eastwood ride bulls for like an hour and some change, Cause I mean look at that face, him and his fine ass in tight cow boy jeans. hmph...cowboy jeans...anyway so I've been working a lot and I am still broke because I need to pay people money and save for a car, because walking to work makes my legs hurt and i already spend all day on my feet bagging people's crap and looking into their dead eyes while I fumble along with ready make mac n cheese and Greek yogurt. just kidding all the customers are actually really sweet and they make me feel like I am a grocery angel.  Every body is so fucking nice to me. and I have been winked at by like a thousand old men which is weird but its cute because i mean their close to death might as well let them wink and give me compliments.even though I'd rather have Scott Eastwood wink at me.  Oh my god! but yeah I like my job, but sometimes I get this horrible crawling fear that I will end up working there until I die and that i have to do something really really great with my life so I can rub it in the face of my ex boyfriend and my ex friends from high school. that's petty right? yeah I know, I'm not perfect and I know for a fact that I'm not mature. I just don't want to work at a hinky store for the rest of my life. it's weird I have a bunch of dreams and aspirations and I force myself to work really hard.I did some financial aid paper work and I decided on going to Community college and then Transferring to a UC then hopefully I'll get real feedback on my writtings. If I actually have time to write. and all the free time I get I don't want to write because I'm working on third drafts of old stories that I'm tired of because I've tried to submit them and I want to give up. It's just a steady spiral into bullshit and writers block Oh and Since I used a Cinderella gif, I wanted to let everyone know I cant wait until it comes out on DVD so I can watch it on repeat and pray for my prince that doesn't smoke a lot, respects his mom and has a job. fingers crossed lol. God knows it didn't work last time.

Letters Never Sent

some days I really hate you. some days I want you to burst into flames or tears or anything unpleasant.some days I feel like I'd been abandoned because you said so many things to me and I told you that I didn't like promises like those because everyone who has said things like that to me had disappeared. but you didn't listen. you never listened. I like dark orange sunflowers. I don't like red roses. I told you I didn't like roses so many times. but it seemed like everything I told you would go in one ear and out the other. I forgave your trespasses because I adored you. I looked past all the times that you didn't introduce me to family members because your mom always did for you. it seemed like she cared more than you did sometimes. I keep thinking about how you have both hearts. the silver one you gave me and the jade one I gave you. it is sort of like ironic symbolism because you still have your heart, but you took mine too. I wish I could stay angry with you like you did. I wish I could hold a grudge and hate you. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I was done. but I'm not. you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and you stay in my head until I go to sleep. I don't understand why I am the way I am. why I forgive so easily and why I am so soft.I wish I could be like you and run away without feeling anything. but I've always felt too much. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that I left a scar like you did. I hope when you do think of me you think of good things like when we had fun and we were friendly. think of me like I died and blur out all the bad memories. keep a memorial of me in your heart so that you can kill the anger in you hold onto. I was childish, but I was angry I'm thinking of this all now because we'll probably never see each other again and  you'll live you're own life. you'll get married and have kids giving someone else the forever that you promised me. I accept that. but at the same time I hope you don't forget me. and one day you'll tell your sons to watch out for girls like me. tell them to watch out for the girls who are brutally honest, and creative. watch out for the smart and strange girls. watch out for the passionate savage women that exist in the world. because one day one will show up and turn their worlds upside down. and they'd be a fool to let them go. just like you were. I lied when I said my love for you had ran out, that was the only lie I've ever told you. It'll never die unfortunately, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I didn't want to pretend I didn't have feelings for you and I could move on. My honest little heart burned at the act I put on so there'd be hope. but the truth is I'd rather live the rest of my life being hated by you for what i said to you then having to hold it inside pretending that everything was alright.I can go about my life sweeping through towns like a sweet wind because I feel like that's what was meant to happen. And as I scorch my paths I'll always think fondly of you even if you don't feel the same way.and I'll be free. Thank you for setting me free.the life you wanted to give me wasn't the part I was supposed to play. I love you darling. I always will.