{Black}Girl Interupted

So I haven't been on in a while cause shit has really been hitting the fan. I've been looking for another job because working in Grocery isn't my jam. Like I was seconds away from going postal. there was only so much I could take in that industry like everyone was unhappy, pay and hours were getting cut left and right it was so messy. But besides that dealing with my mom was becoming more and more unbearable. In addition to that my depression had spiked to the point of noticeable symptoms, but I feel like no matter how hard it gets or how sad I am I can never catch a break. I hardly get any help at home with chores or food or anything domestic. I cant even ask for the money my dad sends me without there being some sort of argument even though it's technically my cash and I don't know where it goes cause whenever I ask about it there's this 1950's "Don't ask me about my business." shit that my mom likes to pull. I really get tired of this shit like I don't need to be this tired. and my mom likes to pull this "you're gonna take care of me one day right?" bull shit even though she hasn't been taking care of me since I turned 13. I've been taking care of her and dealing with being put through the emotional ringer. my main goal now is to be able to take care of myself because everything is such a mess like I cant see straight.

Like I have this fantasy right where I can live on my own in my own little apartment and pay my own rent, there's nobody there to lord anything over me, nobody there to make me feel like I need them to survive. It's just me, making breakfast in my underwear, mildly drunk off of mimosas with curlers in and maybe legally blonde, or sex and the city marathons playing in the background. Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe just me. it doesn't matter but i am content and safe and alone in my home writing or selling art doing something I love.Mostly not being sad is my goal. I want a fairytale ending, like I dug my way out of the sadness and on the other side is a partner, a home, loyal loving best friends, and everyone is happy with each other. I don't want to belong to her anymore. I want my freedom. there is no reason for me to live like a slave. There's no reason for me to be on the mercy of someone else who has more money than I do, and as God and the internet as my witness I will never be anyone's pet not now, not ever.

You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

Young Black and Uncomfortable.

     
So like I'm watching this "Dear Fat People." shit because it's been showing up on my tumblr and I feel like I am basically watching a poor man's Jenna Marbles. She doesn't deserve all the attention that it's getting because she's a bit of a garbage can. "fat shaming isn't a thing." like transformers "there is more than meets the eye." with a situation such as Weight, and fat shaming. what was the point of this video being made? this isn't stopping obesity, this isn't promoting the habits that should be adopted instead this isn't a health channel, she's not a YouTube yoga/ fitness guru. she's just some mildly funny chick biting off the same Jenna Marble's shtick in order to get likes. People are always going to be different, that is why society hasn't crumbled because we are all built in a way that'd benefit future generations. even in the animal world there are variants in colors, shapes, sizes and abilities why is it that we expect to be the same?

    What right do we have to question nature?. we have to look the same as everyone else, but we also have to "be the innovator, the originator." yada yada yada it makes no fucking sense. Why is it that a species that cultivated the earth and ran civilizations cant get over the fact that there are different types in the species. Humans were not meant to be homogenous (having the same gene/characteristics) in appearance. Not once have I seen a dog not bark at another dog because that dog was too fat. in that dogs mind all he sees is a dog. the other dog is obviously different but its still a dog. so if someone is a fat person, or Overweight, or Pudgy or so have you why do they not get recognized as being a person. we have come up with so many ways to push other people away to alienate those of our species. What good does that do? its basically civil war. if you want to make a video shaming someone there should be a video made about shaming the food industry for hyper sexualizing gluttonous activities and shoving different Burger, Pizza, and Candy companies down our throat. blame media for not promoting healthy lifestyles until then 2010's or continuing to perpetuate standards of beauty which are almost obsolete and destructive to the collective psyche. promoting thin almost mal nourished male and female models to be objectified and praised as what beauty should be. but in reality the beauty should be practical fro the species to survive. muscular people, curvy people, thicker people. people who could defend themselves physically as the beauty standard. we seem to peer into other people's lives instead of minding our own business. instead of worrying about what fat people are doing with their diets maybe like start knitting, adopt a pet, learn a new language.
          
            Better yourself. and that goes for anyone who puts people down. anyone with a bully/mean girl mentality that is old enough to have a 40 hr a week , or 9-5 job should just worry about themselves. there is no problem with fat people. there is a problem with a-holes body-policing someone just because they were inconvenienced by the fat aesthetic.  there is so much to be done in the ways of body acceptance because even though different looking people have been around since time it's self humans cant seem to grasp that concept like babies with a lack of object permanencehttps://youtu.be/CXFgNhyP4-A
so watch the video think about it, comment. if you agree...eh. if you disagree also eh... as long as you follow comment or subscribe.
                                                 

Strawberry Moon

Retrograde is going to be coming to an end on June 11th. however I have been having strange little occurrences. during the week i had noticed that there are hearts everywhere like everytime i cook or eat icecream even the cracks on my phone started to look like hearts it was freaking me out. like they were everywhere. Like I don't even know what is going on. I am single as fuck and all my friends are living their lives but i have this little job. no one bothers me. It's like I am getting danger Will Robinson warnings from the universe.like the spirit world is telling me all this calm happy fun time I have been spending alone is going to be abruptly interrupted but call me crazy I have been enjoying this character developement portion of my life.Being without friends and a lover is actually kind of awesome, I am not going to say I'm having the time of my life and that I dont need anyone. I like being in relationships and i like having friends but I can survive.Its like this calm content feeling Like when you eat just the right amount of food. I dont really feel like a person though, I feel like a gust of wind or an idea or a witch. I just enjoy living in this little world in my head. I know that I am weird and that it's going to be hard meeting people and having relationships, but it's supposed to be difficult if it's not difficult then it cant be right.I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense But it does kind of feel good to just have a general stream of consciousness. just write how you feel at the moment. right now I am just worried. I'm worried because whenever I get comfortable something changes. because now I am comfortable. I am comfortable with my job, with myself. everything is kind of just mellow. so I worry about losing my job, or losing the person I am becoming because I really like her. I like this person and I am a little upset that I cant share who I am blooming into with anyone. but I am also very satisfied because most women don't have this person until they've reached their forties. I keep losing this one lipstick though its called Creature by ColourPop cosmetics and I ordered it like twice and it kept disappearing. I want to order it again but at the same time I don't want to spend any money. I want to enjoy the birthday i have coming up soon but i have been stuffing away money for my escape. I am kind of tempted to give up because I can't get past 300 dollars and it's super frustrating. I am going to be starting school in august I am thinking of switching out the child development course for creative writing. creative writing would make sense.more sense than teaching.but at the same time I could take the child development course next semester. I'd make a better writer than a teacher anyway.But I am really excited. I am still holding out for the barbarian king to invade my land though, like even though everything is great and I am being all hot sexy and independent there needs to be some Jason Momoa looking Conqueror mother fucker coming to tune me up for the rest of my life. I am just putting it out there. they say that the strawberry moon is the one that makes all The things that you want happen. you never know I am just sort of a superstitious little bitch. having a slab of bbq red meat would be nice as well.

Retrograde Day 2

I dont think i have ever actually cared about retrograde until this year because this is the first year that i have been like balls deep in magic and horoscopes and other shit. i havent gotten any profound life altering messages and i am seriously considering getting my septum pierced again because i had a lot of fun having my septum pierced. it made me feel really powerful; and fearsome. like i had an attitude and i was unfuckwithable. It could be like i was a mystic or some kind of war goddess in a past life and that makes me obsessed with war and body art and body modifications. It makes me feel like a goddamned boss. The tone of this blog is so differetn from the post i made this morning mostly because i vented all my frustrations with my mom today and it was so cleansing and cathartic. like we were on the same page for once, but i am going to have to make an appointment with my therapist George because my mom noticed signs of depression.and with that like alarms went off in my head because i had never experienced depression before or at least i was too dumb to see it. but recently i have been sluggish and apathetic, more moody than usual, wanting to sleep forever and always tired. and like my diet is crap because i just eat microwave meals and meat and candy. I'm surprised I havent died yet. I also realized I cant feed myself. like today i ate a burger and fries for breakfast but i walked to the burger place so that must be healthy. but like my bones hurt and i feel really agitated like everything just gets on my nerves and I am a mess.I cant pick a song to listen to I cant pick any good movies and the movies I do end up watching are movies that I can practicaly recite verbatum. i really need to watch my health, i am really worried about being diabetic so i keep like talking to my mom about it and she brushed me off so i think i'm just going to start eating salads and almonds and stuff so i wont be paranoid. i mean if no one is going to listen to me i might as well take my health into my own hands. even though alot of websites are like DONT MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS IN RETROGRADE but whats so bad about trying to be a healthy bitch. I could even reverse the effects. And when i get paranoid i drink this bitter root tea that tastes like old socks. I don't feel fatigued I just feel unmotivated, I go to the bathroom alot but thats because i drink like 8 waters a day since i am on that tumblr "stay hydrated" ban wagon. the vision shit is not much of a reliable thing because i have shitty eyesight anyway. but what does worry me is the pins and needles in my toes and somethimes my fingers, that freaks me out. but like after i do something healthy it goes away. i dont really eat alot of sugar. i cant even finish a pint of ice cream or a whole donut, which sucks. but like my health is super important to me even though i feel like i am going to die any second. I'm just sort of a wreck. I am all around concerned about everything, i cant go a minute with out being worried about something. it's exhausting.but I got retrograde goodies since the technology is supposed to be all wonky as well as everything else. I have new headphones a charger and this thing i can carry around that charges my phone for me. my phone started acting up a little because it was playing music out of no where but other than that every thing has been kosher. I spoke to my old friend again, it felt equally as awkward as it did the last time.but let by gones be bygones i guess. oh and sorry for no pictures i didnt really feel like looking for any. so y'all just gone have to read.

Hate is a Strong Word {But I Really Really Really Don't Like You}

you ever have those spurts in time where you just feel angry? like something amidst the happy, bubble gum, heavy metal, pastel, playground of your mind something , something terrible was awaken? stirred up from its peaceful slumber? i call her vira.and vira is 600 pounds of fur and malevolent anger that builds and builds and builds until she erupts in my mind and i become hateful and vengeful and i want to shit talk and fight and start political debates. these debates could be about anything. it could be a response to that cute Latino guy at work trying to compliment your work ethic but instead saying "there needs to be more independent black women like you out there." bumping down his attractive points because now he sounds like a fuckboy, because little does he know that America is full of beautiful strong "independent" black women. and if i am the only one you've talked to in the span of the time you've been alive you need to diversify your circle or read a book mother fucker. other times Vira is exceptionally agitated is when she is told to calm down or to stop being so aggressive. especially by family members who completely devalue the affect of sharing your emotions and the cathartic release of pent up frustration through word of mouth. while those same family members continue to lose their own struggle against mental health because they don't want to "bother" anyone with their feelings or they don't want to talk about it because "no one understands them." wallowing in the same emo proverbial bullshit that they have been entrenched in since their early twenties. sometimes i get irritated when people ask me why i like to wear makeup and make it seem like the good thing to do is to not wear it holding it above you like its some bullshit prize to be "naturally beautiful." i feel like people hide behind stigma of makeup being used to hide flaws and assimilate into western bullshit beauty standards much like how i occasionally straighten my hair, which should be no bodies mother fucking business why i straighten it or how often i do it and i shouldn't be demonized because i am expressing the versatility of beautiful black hair. i can do what ever the fuck i want. god blessed me with this hair so i can do what ever i so please. i could fry it dye it, i could get locs , i could get a weave,. is that any one else's business? NO. should they have a say in it? FUCK NO. if I wnt opinions on how i look mother fucker I'll ask, I don't do this for other people. i do this for me. I have to wake up and look at me in the morning. I am my star player. i'm the real mvp in my own life. I don't need the approval of others as pertaining to my aesthetics. I could shave my head bald Right fucking now just because and i would still see myself as a beautiful bitch, because it's true. and no one can take that from me. I'm tired of guys and their bullshit about hair and make up. it's like "I don't want to hear about how you feel about black lipstick nigga. I didn't buy it because you wanted it. I don't complain about your hair nuts don't talk about my false eyelashes. i want to feel like an anime princess right now step the fuck off ol' crusty ass nigga." I don't have time dude. I really don't. I'm not living my life for other people, I'm just including them on the journey they don't have to be there. this isn't a what makes them happy party. I don't care if i get called out for having tattoos or piercing my nose, having natural hair, having processed hair. everything seems to be a contest over whats better for you and whats mainstream and what you should be doing. that just leaves people pissed off empty and insecure. and i hate the phrase independent black woman because i feel like its disingenuous. they don't really think I'm any different for working hard, they don't respect me and my goals, and those same people are going to turn around and ask if its okay to say nigga. I'm not down for that shit, i feel like its patronizing. its like someone pinching your cheeks and going "well aren't you an independent little black woman you think you're going to make a change in a patriarchal white male society oh that's cute here's a cookie." as they slap your ass and call you a red bone. its all dog shit man.its like i ended up being a stereotype by trying to fight stereotypes and it make me sick.  it's all sick. the whole fucking thing. sometimes I get really sad, because people make me so angry it hurts and it's always people that you're cool with and close too. strangers dont piss me off as muck as the people I fuck with

Chapter 14: Caught up in my feelings.

Allk i really want is a root beer float and somebody to tell me i'm pretty. I am feeling really close to my period right now and the last thing i need is to be alone and near my phone. as soon as i get to this point i get all weepy and sensitive and i want to text HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED because i'm a little bitch when it comes to him as a human being. I mean I do it to myself honestly, i watch romance movies at like midnight sitting in my draws and socks fucking wasting precious time being a freak. and it;s going to be raining soon. luckily i'll be going out with friends tomorrow. i dont know why i'm even up in my feelings; i've been offered sex from cute strangers but i dont know what to do because i dont do hook-ups you know i'm  like a nice girl and only one person has ever had my goodies. I am so mad because apart of me wants to follow through on one of the tinder offers but the other part of me cant let go so I end up turning it down and being frustrated.
I thought it'd be easy to just  jump back on the sexy horse, but I guess I'm not the girl I thought I was and I really hoped i'd be her by now. I even texted HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED but it was at like 1 in the morning and i knew he wasn't going to reply but
I did it anyway cause it was buggin' me all day and I don't ask for advice anymore because my friends are just as sick of hearing about him as i am thinking of him. maybe I'm not allowing myself to heal properly, I mean I thought diving into the ocean would drown all my feelings but being in the deep blue all alone just makes you think all the time anyway. but I ordered more lipstick, and i'm looking at dresses on line. I've been saving a lot of money but i still have shopaholic tendancies. I'd really like a large sum of money so I can just shop all my feelings out. I'm supposed to be getting a check from the internship I quit a few weeks back and my dad's finally catching up on child support so that's awesome! And I've lost some weight so I need smaller clothes anyway. this fucking mowhawk is getting on my nerves because my hair is growing out. but shit I have enough money to by fake eyelashes and concealer and everything I fucking want. I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school and thats going to be really awesome because i'm going to be this hot sexy talented makeup artist and HE WHO REMAINS UNNAMED is going to miss out on the sexy butterfly I end up being because no one seems to think I'm worth the trouble and I'm worth fighting for. that's fucking fine, because I was built this way to fight for myself. 

Chapter 12: Twisted Sister

I cant get along with any body. I was always so upset at the treatment I had recieved at home but now I'm starting to feel like it's my fault that I don't have it easy. like despite my efforts to get along with my family and overcome my own issues i'm still the cause of most of my failed relationships, either with family or friends or even Goat man. my over whelming pride seems to be the overall theme to my re-occuring folly. what am i actually supposed to do though? because there's always this battle between letting people walk all over you and being a prideful cunt. where is the happy medium? does that medium actually exist? how do you express your dislikes and the feelings of someone else remains unscathed. there's no winning really. because you either hurt someone else or you hold in all the bile and negativity and hurt yourself. there has to be a way for someone to gauge these things to become neither resentful or hateful of another and cultivate forgiveness without becoming a doormat. there can be strength in humility right? or is that just some catch 22 bullshit where either way you sort of get fucked over regardless. I want to let go of being raked over the coals all the time but it happens so often that I'm starting to feel like i'm to blame. I'm honestly tired of feeling guilty all the time so my relationships with other people can grow. I've been feeling so powerless, and so angry and I know what normal mentally stable people would say, just move on and forget but how can you learn the lesson that those bad experiences were supposed to teach you if you don't reflect. Or those experiences were just trials and thee was no real lesson to begin with it was just a sucky period of time. All and all I'm floundering. but it's going to get better as soon as I get out of my head.

Letters Never Sent

some days I really hate you. some days I want you to burst into flames or tears or anything unpleasant.some days I feel like I'd been abandoned because you said so many things to me and I told you that I didn't like promises like those because everyone who has said things like that to me had disappeared. but you didn't listen. you never listened. I like dark orange sunflowers. I don't like red roses. I told you I didn't like roses so many times. but it seemed like everything I told you would go in one ear and out the other. I forgave your trespasses because I adored you. I looked past all the times that you didn't introduce me to family members because your mom always did for you. it seemed like she cared more than you did sometimes. I keep thinking about how you have both hearts. the silver one you gave me and the jade one I gave you. it is sort of like ironic symbolism because you still have your heart, but you took mine too. I wish I could stay angry with you like you did. I wish I could hold a grudge and hate you. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I was done. but I'm not. you're the first thing I think of when I wake up and you stay in my head until I go to sleep. I don't understand why I am the way I am. why I forgive so easily and why I am so soft.I wish I could be like you and run away without feeling anything. but I've always felt too much. I hope that you think of me as often as I think of you. I hope that I left a scar like you did. I hope when you do think of me you think of good things like when we had fun and we were friendly. think of me like I died and blur out all the bad memories. keep a memorial of me in your heart so that you can kill the anger in you hold onto. I was childish, but I was angry I'm thinking of this all now because we'll probably never see each other again and  you'll live you're own life. you'll get married and have kids giving someone else the forever that you promised me. I accept that. but at the same time I hope you don't forget me. and one day you'll tell your sons to watch out for girls like me. tell them to watch out for the girls who are brutally honest, and creative. watch out for the smart and strange girls. watch out for the passionate savage women that exist in the world. because one day one will show up and turn their worlds upside down. and they'd be a fool to let them go. just like you were. I lied when I said my love for you had ran out, that was the only lie I've ever told you. It'll never die unfortunately, I just wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I didn't want to pretend I didn't have feelings for you and I could move on. My honest little heart burned at the act I put on so there'd be hope. but the truth is I'd rather live the rest of my life being hated by you for what i said to you then having to hold it inside pretending that everything was alright.I can go about my life sweeping through towns like a sweet wind because I feel like that's what was meant to happen. And as I scorch my paths I'll always think fondly of you even if you don't feel the same way.and I'll be free. Thank you for setting me free.the life you wanted to give me wasn't the part I was supposed to play. I love you darling. I always will.

Black Hot American Rage

So there is this thing that I am guilty of doing, I have been channeling all my negative feelings into cutting my hair, it seems to be like a drug, I continue to cut my hair over and over again.it's almost compulsive, I feel like one day I'm just going to shave all that shit off because it always feels like it is too long used to be so angry that I have had to work hard for everything. I had to work hard to over come anxiety, and the many divorces in my family. I've had to overcome people judging me and telling me that I wasn't a good christian,
christian, and having really religious relatives and friends pushing thoughts and ideas down my throat. I've lost friends for having a different opinion, and I've lost a lover for trying not to lose myself, but to be honest by that point , by the time i had met goat man I had already lost myself pieces of me had already eroded away from the previous loss.the sad part is that he'll still never have the chance to meet who i really am, just that broken shell of a person.      





I always wondered what would've happened if I was in my "FINAL FORM". we probably wouldn't have ended up together, but I'll never truly know, the fact that things ended means I need to stop re-reading the chapter that we were in and start writing the next one because nothing ever gets done when you look back, and I can't continue to replay our argument and try to piece things together and figure why nobody I meet is strong enough because I cant keep being strong for other people, and I need someone who will fight with me, I know it is twisted but at least they give a shit instead of swallowing up feelings and pretending that everything is okay because I know I'm not always okay. I am clingy, I am obnoxious, and passionate, and I have a lot of anger and a strong will that will always be in my life I can't change, I can't become some silent doll that just nods and pretends everything is alright because it's not, not all the time I'm not that girl, I'll never be that girl and that's alright. because I am strong and fierce and I like to call people cunts and listen to metal, I don't like to always listen to 70's music and pretend that I give a shit about society because I don't I only give a shit about me society can blow me.  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to          

  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to for anyone to love me. I shouldn't mold myself into anything so someone thinks I am worthy of them, because i am worth so much more than that already. I don't need anyone to like me, I don't need to be everyone's friend. I know how much work I put in and that is all that fucking matters because in the end I have to deal with me, and I have to be able to say to myself that i worked hard and I did what I could. I'm going to continue to be a rad fucking goddess and I am determined to be happy. There is no reason I have to be sad about anything or wishing that I could've done better or could've been anyone else. I'm so sick of girls (including myself) internalizing why boys don't like them and how they can change themselves to make boys like them because that's fucking bogus..Everything is bogus when you feel like shit around someone.   stay golden ponybitch! because once they leave you know you are going to either go back to the same bitch you were or just be a new bitch with no friends because you became someone else for someone who was temporary.know what your strengths are and know why you are a badass bitch from hell. don't let some guy no matter how pretty he is or how much he looks like Brad Pitt or Travis Finnel tell you what to do or who to be or how to act.because there will be someone who looks like Gerard Butler who thinks that you are perfect and thinks that the sun shines out of your butthole.I know that the future hold some ridiculously good dick, and hopefully like a job where I get paid hourly instead of on commission. that's my fucking new years resolution. Getting REALLY REALLY good penis that wont tell me i need to swear less or that i'm being abusive and get a real job that sends my pay checks with more than enough money for me to horde like the fucking dwarves in LTOR