{Black}Girl Interupted

So I haven't been on in a while cause shit has really been hitting the fan. I've been looking for another job because working in Grocery isn't my jam. Like I was seconds away from going postal. there was only so much I could take in that industry like everyone was unhappy, pay and hours were getting cut left and right it was so messy. But besides that dealing with my mom was becoming more and more unbearable. In addition to that my depression had spiked to the point of noticeable symptoms, but I feel like no matter how hard it gets or how sad I am I can never catch a break. I hardly get any help at home with chores or food or anything domestic. I cant even ask for the money my dad sends me without there being some sort of argument even though it's technically my cash and I don't know where it goes cause whenever I ask about it there's this 1950's "Don't ask me about my business." shit that my mom likes to pull. I really get tired of this shit like I don't need to be this tired. and my mom likes to pull this "you're gonna take care of me one day right?" bull shit even though she hasn't been taking care of me since I turned 13. I've been taking care of her and dealing with being put through the emotional ringer. my main goal now is to be able to take care of myself because everything is such a mess like I cant see straight.

Like I have this fantasy right where I can live on my own in my own little apartment and pay my own rent, there's nobody there to lord anything over me, nobody there to make me feel like I need them to survive. It's just me, making breakfast in my underwear, mildly drunk off of mimosas with curlers in and maybe legally blonde, or sex and the city marathons playing in the background. Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe just me. it doesn't matter but i am content and safe and alone in my home writing or selling art doing something I love.Mostly not being sad is my goal. I want a fairytale ending, like I dug my way out of the sadness and on the other side is a partner, a home, loyal loving best friends, and everyone is happy with each other. I don't want to belong to her anymore. I want my freedom. there is no reason for me to live like a slave. There's no reason for me to be on the mercy of someone else who has more money than I do, and as God and the internet as my witness I will never be anyone's pet not now, not ever.

Chapter 2:Clinger?

I'm a clinger. Oh my god I feel so gross because I never felt this way before and I do not like it. I mean like I I just text once in a while but I am having stupid feelings and it is upsetting because i just feel like a crazy person. i feel like a sociopath because this is a bigger part of my life than i thought it would be. i thought i would be in the middle of a new relationship by now, or at least fucking someone new. It's like it wont end and i want to just push the system reboot setting on my brain so i just stop caring and stop worrying and feeling like i need to talk to the EX. I mean I know that i am no longer wanted but I don't even feel like myself anymore, i feel like this gross clingy love demon, and EVERY single channel i turn to has something about break ups or relationships or some shit and I just want to burst into flames and die.
it's like can I please watch fucking tv without being reminded that i'm single over and over again. if I have to see one more show talking about break-ups or Ex's or any of that shit i will jump in a hole filled with scorpions and perish. it's like i get it it's a normal process but I don't have to see it on fucking TV watching ninja turtles or some shit, does that make sense.I know these things don't last forever but I just cant right now, because not only are my brain and my heart playing table tennis on whether i should stop trying and leave him alone forever and go disappear, or keep trying and hope that he wont report me to the authorities for being annoying. it's just so fucking shameful, it's like being addicted to something stupid like eating toilet paper, it's not even a cool addiction like being a stoner, or being an alcoholic(though alcoholism dangerous and shouldn't be glorified) I"m over here being shameful pining away waiting for someone who doesn't give two shits about me to come to me
I am a pretty rad bitch, and i don't understand why i keep doing basic bitch things and still fucking hoping that one day i'll wake up and he'll care. I hate caring, I hate thinking about people who aren't thinking about me but it never fucking ends, and now i am adding to the cycle of Break up blogs and sons and tv show after talking so much shit about break up shows and crap. I want to be stronger, I want to be able to walk away and never look back and never hope that things will be different and just go somewhere. i have been looking for a job so i wont have to be a home but all the jobs that want me to work with them are jobs where i have to work online and stay at home and fester in my own turmoil.I want my life back! I want my life to start I want to feel like I am in control and that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't want to think about anything that involves romance unless it's a novel or a movie or something. I want a mohawk and infinite amounts of spending money. I feel so stuck like I am drowning and everyone says it's going to get better and things will be looking up but they never say when.When will I have enough money to not be trapped in a box?When will my feelings all go dull and I can go back to living in peaceful indifference? When the fuck is it going to get better? because right now it sure isn't getting fucking better.