Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

Chapter 11: The Sluts Shame

You took me out to dinner
I gave you head in the car
But now you treat me how
The black community treats Kendrick Lamar
I gave you my body
and you still shattered my heart
 But somehow i'm still the reason we ended up apart.
I should apologize
For treating you like a work of art.?
I should take the blame for trekking through the flames
putting in effort and doing my part,
for my honesty and hoping someone could love me.
I need to work on myself?
but i'm not the one who puts people on a shelf
just to watch them shatter when they're no longer beautiful.
I wish i could hate you but in my heart your soul is still beautiful.
I wish that if i died tonight the first thing
i would see wasn't your two toned eyes staring back at me.
i wished when i saw the streets where you kissed
that my entire body wouldn't feel so heavy.
is it my pride or my arrogance that sees this as a punishment.
or is it the fact that my beating heart betrays me when i think of you
sometimes i see myself coming up to you
but in my head i'm not sure what i'd rather do.
I'm not sure if i'd kiss you
or try to break you like a vase because my
body is so confused and all it craves is your taste.
it's my fault you got tired of me.
but in reality it's your own weakness that tore us apart.
in your chest is a wad of stained glass but god gave
me an elastic heart that takes this treatment over and over again,
just to see your face even though it scowls every time it sees me.
I still hope that the image never leaves me.

Black Hot American Rage

So there is this thing that I am guilty of doing, I have been channeling all my negative feelings into cutting my hair, it seems to be like a drug, I continue to cut my hair over and over again.it's almost compulsive, I feel like one day I'm just going to shave all that shit off because it always feels like it is too long used to be so angry that I have had to work hard for everything. I had to work hard to over come anxiety, and the many divorces in my family. I've had to overcome people judging me and telling me that I wasn't a good christian,
christian, and having really religious relatives and friends pushing thoughts and ideas down my throat. I've lost friends for having a different opinion, and I've lost a lover for trying not to lose myself, but to be honest by that point , by the time i had met goat man I had already lost myself pieces of me had already eroded away from the previous loss.the sad part is that he'll still never have the chance to meet who i really am, just that broken shell of a person.      





I always wondered what would've happened if I was in my "FINAL FORM". we probably wouldn't have ended up together, but I'll never truly know, the fact that things ended means I need to stop re-reading the chapter that we were in and start writing the next one because nothing ever gets done when you look back, and I can't continue to replay our argument and try to piece things together and figure why nobody I meet is strong enough because I cant keep being strong for other people, and I need someone who will fight with me, I know it is twisted but at least they give a shit instead of swallowing up feelings and pretending that everything is okay because I know I'm not always okay. I am clingy, I am obnoxious, and passionate, and I have a lot of anger and a strong will that will always be in my life I can't change, I can't become some silent doll that just nods and pretends everything is alright because it's not, not all the time I'm not that girl, I'll never be that girl and that's alright. because I am strong and fierce and I like to call people cunts and listen to metal, I don't like to always listen to 70's music and pretend that I give a shit about society because I don't I only give a shit about me society can blow me.  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to          

  I refuse to change, because I shouldn't have to for anyone to love me. I shouldn't mold myself into anything so someone thinks I am worthy of them, because i am worth so much more than that already. I don't need anyone to like me, I don't need to be everyone's friend. I know how much work I put in and that is all that fucking matters because in the end I have to deal with me, and I have to be able to say to myself that i worked hard and I did what I could. I'm going to continue to be a rad fucking goddess and I am determined to be happy. There is no reason I have to be sad about anything or wishing that I could've done better or could've been anyone else. I'm so sick of girls (including myself) internalizing why boys don't like them and how they can change themselves to make boys like them because that's fucking bogus..Everything is bogus when you feel like shit around someone.   stay golden ponybitch! because once they leave you know you are going to either go back to the same bitch you were or just be a new bitch with no friends because you became someone else for someone who was temporary.know what your strengths are and know why you are a badass bitch from hell. don't let some guy no matter how pretty he is or how much he looks like Brad Pitt or Travis Finnel tell you what to do or who to be or how to act.because there will be someone who looks like Gerard Butler who thinks that you are perfect and thinks that the sun shines out of your butthole.I know that the future hold some ridiculously good dick, and hopefully like a job where I get paid hourly instead of on commission. that's my fucking new years resolution. Getting REALLY REALLY good penis that wont tell me i need to swear less or that i'm being abusive and get a real job that sends my pay checks with more than enough money for me to horde like the fucking dwarves in LTOR