Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

Chapter 15 :Batshit

It took me a while to understand that i was actually bat shit crazy. I mean who else would skip out on going to college to become a writer? who else would painstakingly create characters and dialogue and a reason for an imaginary world to exist? who else would remain hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't want them? who else would believe in horoscopes and tarot cards as well as the one true god? this girl right here. who else wants to go against the grain and change their family legacy?  if that means that i am crazy i want to stay this way. i would rather be crazy than weak and boring. I mean to everyone that's ever been called crazy or feels like they are nuts. even to the people who feel like they are too wild and too ridicluos to be loved or to have someone that's on the same wave length as them. I'm sorry to say this but you wont find them, ever. you will never find yourself in another human being. you will find parts of yourself, you will find someone similar. but you will never have someone match your intensity. you will meet people who are close enough or good enough but you'll never find another you. do not get disappointed when someone you like, love, or even related to tells you you;re out of control, or abnormal, or weird. you don't have to fight it you probably are being out of control at that moment. but know that you are still okay. you are still worth love and affection. you are working on it, you're getting better. Any one who tells you you arent better is an asshole and they can go fuck themselves if someone you care about leaves you or you have to leave them, neither of you is the villain or the hero. you are both neutral entities even if you did tell them that they were a hypocritical narcissistic sociopathological asshole. there are no bad guys and no good guys.there are people you agree with and disagree with. if you see it that way instead of like a marvel movie life will be smoother. feeling crazy isn't bad.it's not easy, its difficult, it'll make you want to stop living every time you feel out of control, but it's fun, and exciting, and when it's good its damn good.stop trying to be less insane. "seldom do well behaved women make history."

Chapter 11: The Sluts Shame

You took me out to dinner
I gave you head in the car
But now you treat me how
The black community treats Kendrick Lamar
I gave you my body
and you still shattered my heart
 But somehow i'm still the reason we ended up apart.
I should apologize
For treating you like a work of art.?
I should take the blame for trekking through the flames
putting in effort and doing my part,
for my honesty and hoping someone could love me.
I need to work on myself?
but i'm not the one who puts people on a shelf
just to watch them shatter when they're no longer beautiful.
I wish i could hate you but in my heart your soul is still beautiful.
I wish that if i died tonight the first thing
i would see wasn't your two toned eyes staring back at me.
i wished when i saw the streets where you kissed
that my entire body wouldn't feel so heavy.
is it my pride or my arrogance that sees this as a punishment.
or is it the fact that my beating heart betrays me when i think of you
sometimes i see myself coming up to you
but in my head i'm not sure what i'd rather do.
I'm not sure if i'd kiss you
or try to break you like a vase because my
body is so confused and all it craves is your taste.
it's my fault you got tired of me.
but in reality it's your own weakness that tore us apart.
in your chest is a wad of stained glass but god gave
me an elastic heart that takes this treatment over and over again,
just to see your face even though it scowls every time it sees me.
I still hope that the image never leaves me.