Young Black and Uncomfortable.

     
So like I'm watching this "Dear Fat People." shit because it's been showing up on my tumblr and I feel like I am basically watching a poor man's Jenna Marbles. She doesn't deserve all the attention that it's getting because she's a bit of a garbage can. "fat shaming isn't a thing." like transformers "there is more than meets the eye." with a situation such as Weight, and fat shaming. what was the point of this video being made? this isn't stopping obesity, this isn't promoting the habits that should be adopted instead this isn't a health channel, she's not a YouTube yoga/ fitness guru. she's just some mildly funny chick biting off the same Jenna Marble's shtick in order to get likes. People are always going to be different, that is why society hasn't crumbled because we are all built in a way that'd benefit future generations. even in the animal world there are variants in colors, shapes, sizes and abilities why is it that we expect to be the same?

    What right do we have to question nature?. we have to look the same as everyone else, but we also have to "be the innovator, the originator." yada yada yada it makes no fucking sense. Why is it that a species that cultivated the earth and ran civilizations cant get over the fact that there are different types in the species. Humans were not meant to be homogenous (having the same gene/characteristics) in appearance. Not once have I seen a dog not bark at another dog because that dog was too fat. in that dogs mind all he sees is a dog. the other dog is obviously different but its still a dog. so if someone is a fat person, or Overweight, or Pudgy or so have you why do they not get recognized as being a person. we have come up with so many ways to push other people away to alienate those of our species. What good does that do? its basically civil war. if you want to make a video shaming someone there should be a video made about shaming the food industry for hyper sexualizing gluttonous activities and shoving different Burger, Pizza, and Candy companies down our throat. blame media for not promoting healthy lifestyles until then 2010's or continuing to perpetuate standards of beauty which are almost obsolete and destructive to the collective psyche. promoting thin almost mal nourished male and female models to be objectified and praised as what beauty should be. but in reality the beauty should be practical fro the species to survive. muscular people, curvy people, thicker people. people who could defend themselves physically as the beauty standard. we seem to peer into other people's lives instead of minding our own business. instead of worrying about what fat people are doing with their diets maybe like start knitting, adopt a pet, learn a new language.
          
            Better yourself. and that goes for anyone who puts people down. anyone with a bully/mean girl mentality that is old enough to have a 40 hr a week , or 9-5 job should just worry about themselves. there is no problem with fat people. there is a problem with a-holes body-policing someone just because they were inconvenienced by the fat aesthetic.  there is so much to be done in the ways of body acceptance because even though different looking people have been around since time it's self humans cant seem to grasp that concept like babies with a lack of object permanencehttps://youtu.be/CXFgNhyP4-A
so watch the video think about it, comment. if you agree...eh. if you disagree also eh... as long as you follow comment or subscribe.
                                                 

Chapter 14: Caught up in my feelings.

Allk i really want is a root beer float and somebody to tell me i'm pretty. I am feeling really close to my period right now and the last thing i need is to be alone and near my phone. as soon as i get to this point i get all weepy and sensitive and i want to text HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED because i'm a little bitch when it comes to him as a human being. I mean I do it to myself honestly, i watch romance movies at like midnight sitting in my draws and socks fucking wasting precious time being a freak. and it;s going to be raining soon. luckily i'll be going out with friends tomorrow. i dont know why i'm even up in my feelings; i've been offered sex from cute strangers but i dont know what to do because i dont do hook-ups you know i'm  like a nice girl and only one person has ever had my goodies. I am so mad because apart of me wants to follow through on one of the tinder offers but the other part of me cant let go so I end up turning it down and being frustrated.
I thought it'd be easy to just  jump back on the sexy horse, but I guess I'm not the girl I thought I was and I really hoped i'd be her by now. I even texted HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED but it was at like 1 in the morning and i knew he wasn't going to reply but
I did it anyway cause it was buggin' me all day and I don't ask for advice anymore because my friends are just as sick of hearing about him as i am thinking of him. maybe I'm not allowing myself to heal properly, I mean I thought diving into the ocean would drown all my feelings but being in the deep blue all alone just makes you think all the time anyway. but I ordered more lipstick, and i'm looking at dresses on line. I've been saving a lot of money but i still have shopaholic tendancies. I'd really like a large sum of money so I can just shop all my feelings out. I'm supposed to be getting a check from the internship I quit a few weeks back and my dad's finally catching up on child support so that's awesome! And I've lost some weight so I need smaller clothes anyway. this fucking mowhawk is getting on my nerves because my hair is growing out. but shit I have enough money to by fake eyelashes and concealer and everything I fucking want. I'm thinking of going to cosmetology school and thats going to be really awesome because i'm going to be this hot sexy talented makeup artist and HE WHO REMAINS UNNAMED is going to miss out on the sexy butterfly I end up being because no one seems to think I'm worth the trouble and I'm worth fighting for. that's fucking fine, because I was built this way to fight for myself. 

Tinder for Beginners prt 2

so I have had this app for two days and i see a pattern. it'll go from having a great time and being ecstatic meeting new worthwhile people and having nice conversations about dreams goals aspirations, but then there is a certain breed of men who dive right into the penis jokes. now i realized that my naivety has been my folly in the sense that i set myself up for these damn jokes and poorly thought out innuendos. like it starts off like "hey," "how are you what are you up to." then it goes into, my dick is my favorite body part," "do you want some marshmellows in your hot chocolate." "do you want some yellow to mix with your black?" "how's that ass looking?" who said that that was okay? like when they talk to girls does that shit work beyond cyber space? its all like bleh bleh bleh let me show you my cock, I bet you've never had whit dick before.     I'm sitting here looking at my phone like "this is why most girls in my generation are lesbians, because y'all are fucking ridiculous." it's exhausting. it's like an endless fuckboy trail. I don't understand why white guys, and asian guys dive straight into "ay shawtee whats good want some of this dick" like have you heard black people talk to eachother like this. my ass is sitting over here like "um..i'm watching iron man and reading fucking game of thrones speaking in complete sentences and running a blog, what the fuck are you trying to pull?"  I'm dying over here. it's like i'm not waiting for some douche in shining condom to fuck the sadness out of me, I've moved passed that phase in newly singleness. I can fuck the sad out of my damn self. I like having conversations. that's the only thing I really miss. I miss being attracted to someones mind and voice. I want to have a crush again. I'm too young to feel this indifferent. I want my story to have a plot twist hat leads me to random romance because I'm the shit. i'm not searching for penis jokes and racial innuendos. I'm aware that I'm chocolatey and delicious. I don't need you to remind me.come up with something better than putting your milk in my coco puffs.  I'm too damn fabulous for that shit. I mean compare me to a fuckin sonnet or a summers day mother fucker compare to a sunset or a cool breeze on a hot night.it's all bullshit. I had someone tell me "i'd never tried black girls before." NIGGA THE FAAAAWK YOU MEAN am i supposed to be some sexy racial experiment. pussy is pussy no matter what color the bitch is there is either good pussy or bad pussy, sex has no race.  the game is weak. and the whiteness is appalling. look I've never been rude to any culture i know all cultures are beautiful and shit but sometimes white guys do extra shit. it's like dude black girls are just girls don't make it weird. if you're white act white, don't go from Justin Beiber to asap rock just because you're talking to a woman of color. unless like you grew up around black people and that shit is natural. but dude i fucking cant. so the moral of the story; be yourself, no dick unless i ask for it and no chocolate lines unless i fuck with you heavy.   THE END

Chapter 11: The Sluts Shame

You took me out to dinner
I gave you head in the car
But now you treat me how
The black community treats Kendrick Lamar
I gave you my body
and you still shattered my heart
 But somehow i'm still the reason we ended up apart.
I should apologize
For treating you like a work of art.?
I should take the blame for trekking through the flames
putting in effort and doing my part,
for my honesty and hoping someone could love me.
I need to work on myself?
but i'm not the one who puts people on a shelf
just to watch them shatter when they're no longer beautiful.
I wish i could hate you but in my heart your soul is still beautiful.
I wish that if i died tonight the first thing
i would see wasn't your two toned eyes staring back at me.
i wished when i saw the streets where you kissed
that my entire body wouldn't feel so heavy.
is it my pride or my arrogance that sees this as a punishment.
or is it the fact that my beating heart betrays me when i think of you
sometimes i see myself coming up to you
but in my head i'm not sure what i'd rather do.
I'm not sure if i'd kiss you
or try to break you like a vase because my
body is so confused and all it craves is your taste.
it's my fault you got tired of me.
but in reality it's your own weakness that tore us apart.
in your chest is a wad of stained glass but god gave
me an elastic heart that takes this treatment over and over again,
just to see your face even though it scowls every time it sees me.
I still hope that the image never leaves me.

Chapter 10: Dream Differed.

Well, the tyrant strikes again and all my plans have been foiled. I still have to give away my cats so that I can afford to go to school and not have to eat noodles and rice everyday.I swear to god all that sodium is going to make me blind or sick one of the two. I feel gross.

My cats are going to go back with their foster mommy so I know her and they'll go to a family that can take them to the vet all the time and give them more space to run around then the tiny shitty apartment that I am staying in. I still don't want to stay here though, I feel like if I am not going to Irvine that I have somewhere else to be because I don't want to stay in Tujunga, I don't want to be the girl who stayed in their shitty hometown after high school and didn't do anything with their life. I've been torching so many bridges in my life right now its not like any one will want to live with me.

 but you know what the funny part is I finally don't feel guilty and I don't care about losing anyone anymore. sometimes people need to be let go so you can have the life you are supposed to live. I still don't know what that is for me but I have a feeling that something is going to happen. I mean cosmically speaking there has to be some kind of balance. I chose to believe that life will balance out for me because I have the chance to chose my fate and I am going to take it. I feel like this is a serious opportunity to start fresh. Or I have just been watching the show hindsight to often. but it's a really great show. I am going to make the best out of the worst situation I have been in. But it kind of makes me happy that things have gotten so bad, I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like there is so much more hope for the future while you are at the bottom. like all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel instead of focusing on being stuck in the damned tunnel. I feel like I work best when I am at this pint. my blog is blossoming, my writer's block cleared up all I do is write or blog and the feeling of productivity is the best feeling. its like there is this small sun in your brain that shines on what you really want and how you are going to get there.

The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!