Chapter 23: Moving Forward In Retrograde

I am actually enrolled in school. it has taken me like thirty fucking years but I'm going to be a college girl!bad news I got two periods this month and it was accompanied by violent cramps causing me to miss work.But at the same time no one should make someone feel shitty over stuff that is out of control. like I don't know how to control that shit, if i could turn it off and never have it again I fucking would but i cant it happens every month and every month i loose like 10 pounds but oh no cant inconvenience other people with your "minor" health problems oh heavens no. fuck outta here with that noise bruh. I got a period a violent, mean, mother fucking war inside of my body where wolves fucking tear apart my inner uterean lining and fuck my whole shit up. not even refer calms that shit down. what kind of fucking monster cant be soothed by pot? I tried fucking everything. even soup! I was a fucking warrior I got dressed and everything but I have to walk to work, so i just sat there in my filth and sadness, and just gave the fuck up. like literally this is how it feels.. and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent.  I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids."  and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need.  But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.

Chapter 17: Hi, I'm Jade and I'm super fucking insecure.

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The Great Tyrant

  So, the move is being held hostage by the great tyrant (aka my dad). I should've expected that something would happen because he never does anything unless there is something for him to gain. everything has a price. usually when young women talk about their fathers you think its going to be mellow dramatic because they didn't buy them something or the car came in the wrong color. but no. I hadn't talked to him until the move was in the works, but I wasn't going to move in with him i was going to move in with other members of my estranged family. but somehow it became his show instead of mine. it was about how he felt, and about what he needed from me. Now it has gotten to the point where my mom is second guessing letting me leave and it hurts me to see her doubting her choices because my dad has acted like a grade A cunt about what I want. I have scheduled when my cats are going to be given away, I have given away clothes, I have packed everything, but my life is being put on hold because he wants something out of the deal. and he wonders why i never talk to him. whenever I try to do something that betters my circumstances or to help myself and start my life he fucks it up and blames me. he's been getting in my way for as long as I could remember and I am fucking sick of it.sometimes it just makes me so mad I want to punch him in the dick.

 I just don't understand why his help is always conditional.the part that kills it for me, its always my fault that this happens. everything is up to me and it's my issue if I don't want to meet the conditions of his demands. he is an emotional terrorist. it bothers the fuck out of me and it makes my heart hurt. but you have to be respectful so in the background all i'm doing is muttering barely audible hateful things at the phone, but on the inside I'm doing this..===> because I have to deal with this bogus shit all the fucking time. one day all this dumb shit is going to go full circle and it wont be so fun. Karma will handle him the way she sees fit because i am so fucking over his shit i could just rip off my own eyelids. It's so fucking irritating. I'm finally doing what he wanted, i finally want to go to college and cave in to the pressures of society to get a super chill high paying gig and what does he do? he does some childish shit like this. he's being a fucking snake. all the things i want to do are being vetoed because he controls everyone with his insidious behavior!

Chapter 8: Pussy Power

I'm super worried about my cats. like I didn't think about them being given away this whole process. I wasn't scared of anything accept where they are going to go. I guess I tried to keep myself preoccupy my time with getting rid of old clothes and washing everything and packing. I still have to clean my makeup brushes and organize all my art supplies.It stresses me out honestly. I fell in love with these cats and they have been the biggest blessing I've received so far. and now they might not go with a family that i trust they'll probably have to go to some people that I don't know and I'll never be able to see them again or visit them or anything they'll just be a memory gone in the wind.I thought everything would just fall into place. I'm not ready to let them go. I feel like a mom leaving her kids. I bonded with those weird little monsters I can't just leave them. but when you love something you are supposed to let it go, but its really hard.


 i know they'll be living a better life and I should  be happy that they'll be happy. I have to return library books and finalize when I leave with my stupid dad.  mean he's okay I'm just going to spend the entire ride to Irvine being interrogated about my mom 
and I really hate that because he puts me in a bad head space.he always turns her into a villain when we talk to each other and all I want to do is fix our own estranged relationship. His relationship with me doesn't have anything to do with my mom. my mom hardly ever talks about him,so why should I have to listen to him complain. they have been broken up for like three years, so I really don't care which parent is better. he's been doing that for years and I am really gullible so I believe like everything and then it just fucks up the relationship I have built with my mom. I don't know whats going to happen to be honest the only good part about this is that I have a job lined up already but i'm probably going to go to community college before I transfer to UC Irvine.  today isn't the best on the worrying front, but I got a lot done. I donated like three bags of clothes and I mailed out some makeup samples to friends and family. There's still so much that needs to be done before everything is finalized.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.