Strawberry Moon

Retrograde is going to be coming to an end on June 11th. however I have been having strange little occurrences. during the week i had noticed that there are hearts everywhere like everytime i cook or eat icecream even the cracks on my phone started to look like hearts it was freaking me out. like they were everywhere. Like I don't even know what is going on. I am single as fuck and all my friends are living their lives but i have this little job. no one bothers me. It's like I am getting danger Will Robinson warnings from the universe.like the spirit world is telling me all this calm happy fun time I have been spending alone is going to be abruptly interrupted but call me crazy I have been enjoying this character developement portion of my life.Being without friends and a lover is actually kind of awesome, I am not going to say I'm having the time of my life and that I dont need anyone. I like being in relationships and i like having friends but I can survive.Its like this calm content feeling Like when you eat just the right amount of food. I dont really feel like a person though, I feel like a gust of wind or an idea or a witch. I just enjoy living in this little world in my head. I know that I am weird and that it's going to be hard meeting people and having relationships, but it's supposed to be difficult if it's not difficult then it cant be right.I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense But it does kind of feel good to just have a general stream of consciousness. just write how you feel at the moment. right now I am just worried. I'm worried because whenever I get comfortable something changes. because now I am comfortable. I am comfortable with my job, with myself. everything is kind of just mellow. so I worry about losing my job, or losing the person I am becoming because I really like her. I like this person and I am a little upset that I cant share who I am blooming into with anyone. but I am also very satisfied because most women don't have this person until they've reached their forties. I keep losing this one lipstick though its called Creature by ColourPop cosmetics and I ordered it like twice and it kept disappearing. I want to order it again but at the same time I don't want to spend any money. I want to enjoy the birthday i have coming up soon but i have been stuffing away money for my escape. I am kind of tempted to give up because I can't get past 300 dollars and it's super frustrating. I am going to be starting school in august I am thinking of switching out the child development course for creative writing. creative writing would make sense.more sense than teaching.but at the same time I could take the child development course next semester. I'd make a better writer than a teacher anyway.But I am really excited. I am still holding out for the barbarian king to invade my land though, like even though everything is great and I am being all hot sexy and independent there needs to be some Jason Momoa looking Conqueror mother fucker coming to tune me up for the rest of my life. I am just putting it out there. they say that the strawberry moon is the one that makes all The things that you want happen. you never know I am just sort of a superstitious little bitch. having a slab of bbq red meat would be nice as well.

Chapter 7:Irvine California

I am getting out of Tujunga. it is official my black ass is moving to Irvine. I am scared as fuck. I mean I haven't been without my mom ever, i will still be with family but i will be going to school most of the time. I am so stoked and so afraid at the same time I don't know how to handle anything. My mom is really worried about me though, i understand her concern but i am growing up and sometimes there are just signs pointing you toward a change in scenery. I feel really conflicted because I will be at a totally different setting with all new people to meet and work to do, like actual work not sitting at home with writers block.  I feel like there are all new possibilities but at the same time I'm worried about if I am going to be happy. I mean I have always had weird relationships with my family and I am kind of worried that they aren't going to like me, or I'm not going to have fun. sometimes I think that they think I look super butch and sound like a boy. but y'know its family.It has also been a long time since they have really hung out with me and I dress fricken cute and I know how to do make up. I always felt like such a potato around my dad's family. I have to look at it from a positive perspective. I could have the time of my life. I mean I am already at rock bottom, and I really hope there is nothing lower than bottom. I guess that would be hell....never mind... But that means I have to put aside money and budget and shit. like have a jar of weed money and tattoo money and money for makeup and hair supplies. Also like all the weird snacks that i like to eat that no one else likes.so basically I'll have to get a banging ass job as soon as I get there so I can get all my shit under control. Ugh.
besides that I kind of hope to make one of those dramatic returns like you see in movies where the main character comes back to her home town all hot and successful.I know it sounds super corny but I've been thinking about it. Like one day coming back and seeing my highschool boyfriend and being all hot and fabulous. I know it is kind of immature but I am only eighteen I can have juvenile moments, and who wouldnt want to be like "too bad you dumped me cause now i'm fabulous.."
  I need to get rid of a bunch of clothes but i am not famous enough to do a giveaway or anything. I'll probably end up giving away the clothes to the thrift store near my house. Don't get too excited hipsters, it's not like it's a good thrift store. some of the stuff is good but the other stuff should've been burned and forgotten a long time ago.I really hope I get to Irvine before VIKINGS comes back in February, because that show is my motha fuckin' JAM. like no joke Ragnar Lothbrok is my baby daddy in my mind, like he could slay this vagina all day and I wouldn't complain. I mean look at him I really need to stop with pretty eyed men with beards though, because all that seemed to do was get me in trouble. But at the same time it's the good kind of trouble.  he is too damn fine. I have waited too damn long for the show to start up. So these next few months are going to be fucking exciting, even though I am broke again.

Chapter 6: Cat Lady

So now that my year long break from the education system is over I have decided to go to art school and get my life together. The only problem with that besides the mountains of debt that i will be in and the stress of school work is that i have two cats. one has sinus problems the other is just a basket case. I don't know what to do with them because i was planning on living on campus, and i know who ever rooms with me isn't going to appreciate having cat snot on his or her clothes and all through out the little apartment/dormitory. I would leave them with my mom but she doesn't treat them well and My ex's mom loves cats but during a random fit of rage i deleted all the numbers. I still know where they live and all but the chances of me running into him and having this weird passive aggressive tension is going to make me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head. I mean I could just wait until he goes on a trip or something so i could ask about the cat situation, and the good thing about that is my cat Felix the one with all the sinus issues he wants to be an outside cat so bad, and it'd be perfect for him to be in a safe area without a lot of cars zooming buy to murder him. that's my biggest fear to be honest, I always feel like he's going to get hit by a car if i let him go outside even though he doesn't know how to get that far out of my apartment complex all i can see in my head is him getting turned into a kitty pancake whenever he goes outside.Everything feels so stressful. I have to find somewhere for my cats, I have to set up a financial plan for school, I have to do so much stuff and it's sort of overwhelming. well it really isn't I just feel overwhelmed because this year got kickstarted really quickly and I've been really melancholy . some days are really good and other days feel so dismal, I feel trapped, sad, and all around icky. it's not like a normal bad day it's like I'm in a vortex of negativity and i feel like everything I touch is destroyed and I am just a wreck.I just want to feel absolved y'know. I don't want to feel so guilty and overwhelmed by sadness. I want to feel like everything will be fine. sometimes i wish that i didnt have to weave my own fate all the time, and i could just sit back while my life is played out for me. I know it sounds really weak and lazy but It's tiring when you have to grow up so fast. I mean my mom wasn't the biggest help all the time but at least I didn't have to worry about buying my own hair products and food. I had all that time to dream and just get lost in my head. Now when i get lost in my head it's just thorns, monsters, and high scratchy grass.   the world is a nasty place.I mean my family wont even do things for eachother without keeping it as ammunition for a fight. I've learned now that you cant do things for people and expect anything in return because then you just end up disappointed and feeling empty. that's how i felt when my relationship ended I thought I had done more that enough but I expected to get more back, but it doesn't matter what you give someone or how much you give them to keep them around because if they don't want you around they're just going to take it and go.I mean look at the relationship I have with my Grandmother, she gave us furniture, she's been helping my mom pay bills but I still can't fucking stand her, I tried to like her and i opened myself up to growing our relationship, but then I figured out that i don't owe her my kindness. I don't owe her anything because she is still not a nice person. And it sucks because I can see that she still expects me to become warm to her but she does things and says things that pushes people away. So i've just been in the tense powder cag hating every moment of it.   It's not fun and I'm probably going to be homeless before i get into school. It just feels so odd how timing works. how you burn bridges with people and then everything spirals out of control.It doesn't seem like this year is going to be honest. and now i need to tuck my tail in between my legs and fix everything that I had fucked up.
 

Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.