Chapter 12: Twisted Sister

I cant get along with any body. I was always so upset at the treatment I had recieved at home but now I'm starting to feel like it's my fault that I don't have it easy. like despite my efforts to get along with my family and overcome my own issues i'm still the cause of most of my failed relationships, either with family or friends or even Goat man. my over whelming pride seems to be the overall theme to my re-occuring folly. what am i actually supposed to do though? because there's always this battle between letting people walk all over you and being a prideful cunt. where is the happy medium? does that medium actually exist? how do you express your dislikes and the feelings of someone else remains unscathed. there's no winning really. because you either hurt someone else or you hold in all the bile and negativity and hurt yourself. there has to be a way for someone to gauge these things to become neither resentful or hateful of another and cultivate forgiveness without becoming a doormat. there can be strength in humility right? or is that just some catch 22 bullshit where either way you sort of get fucked over regardless. I want to let go of being raked over the coals all the time but it happens so often that I'm starting to feel like i'm to blame. I'm honestly tired of feeling guilty all the time so my relationships with other people can grow. I've been feeling so powerless, and so angry and I know what normal mentally stable people would say, just move on and forget but how can you learn the lesson that those bad experiences were supposed to teach you if you don't reflect. Or those experiences were just trials and thee was no real lesson to begin with it was just a sucky period of time. All and all I'm floundering. but it's going to get better as soon as I get out of my head.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Things I Have Learned

I learned not to regret anything during the course of this year. things that suck, problems I've had. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. And even though what hurt me the most was losing Goat Man, I'm glad that i had the chance to meet him. I feel like i needed to meet him to learn, i didn't want to learn it the way that i did but  I learned it anyway. He'll always be a good memory/ a great memory. I have come to realize that people need pain in their lives to realize who they are supposed to be. Goat Man encouraged me to do more, to be myself and to find the version of myself that made me shine the most. I hope next year everyone that reads this blog finds something that makes them feel that way, something that makes them feel alive. Whether it be a new lover, new friends, old friends you don't talk to, a new job, a promotion, a pet an adventure. Whatever it is that challenges you and makes you feel like you will never stop working and trying until you get to where you want to be.

I learned that the best person you can ever meet is yourself. It might sound like stupid cliche new years bullshit or a hallmark card about finding yourself but i don't care. and if you have a problem with it don't read my blog. I felt like i had no control over a lot of things in my life and going from family drama to therapy to losing friends and blaming myself, but when i actually had the chance to be just alone I noticed that I was AWESOME.I learned that you don't have to feel bad about being alone during the holidays or new years. I learned that you should stop setting goals that put you down. you don't have to lose weight just because the new year started, unless you want to but we all know you will work out for the first week or so and then get caught up in actually having a life and not being a fitness nut. this year all my goals are sort of just about getting my life started. I still have to find a real job (that pays by the hour) and I still have to get my book published.
set new years resolutions toward following your dreams and doing something exciting. kiss a stranger on new years if you're single. Go somewhere you've never been before next year. stay positive and accept your body next year. tell yourself that your body is the most beautiful body you could ever have, whether your former resolution is gaining or losing weight it doesn't matter. someone wont kick you out of their bedroom because you are too skinny or plus sized. and if they do, they're a Cunt with a capitol C. Challenge yourself. DO something worth doing. And don't make my mistake; when you meet someone that makes you want to become a better person and makes you feel like you are immortal, never let them go.