Chapter 23: Moving Forward In Retrograde

I am actually enrolled in school. it has taken me like thirty fucking years but I'm going to be a college girl!bad news I got two periods this month and it was accompanied by violent cramps causing me to miss work.But at the same time no one should make someone feel shitty over stuff that is out of control. like I don't know how to control that shit, if i could turn it off and never have it again I fucking would but i cant it happens every month and every month i loose like 10 pounds but oh no cant inconvenience other people with your "minor" health problems oh heavens no. fuck outta here with that noise bruh. I got a period a violent, mean, mother fucking war inside of my body where wolves fucking tear apart my inner uterean lining and fuck my whole shit up. not even refer calms that shit down. what kind of fucking monster cant be soothed by pot? I tried fucking everything. even soup! I was a fucking warrior I got dressed and everything but I have to walk to work, so i just sat there in my filth and sadness, and just gave the fuck up. like literally this is how it feels.. and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent.  I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids."  and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need.  But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.

Life so far...

I feel kind of frustrated with myself because I never noticed how cool I was. I mean like I hate the fact that when I met certain people in my life I was an insecure monster.I really want to apologize because now that I am content with myself i feel really embarrassed. its like that feeling you get when you look at those gross pictures from middle school when the hair is confused and the acne is full blown but you have to take the picture anyway. I don't know i feel like me and romance makes me stupid. I turn into this ridiculous clingy thing that just wants to be petted and told I'm pretty all the time. like I just felt like a cuddly madman. like I would just demand to be hugged or I would blow up a bus something stupid.maybe its my anxiety that makes me over analyse and thin about my performance. but looking back I was sort of ridiculous, I mean doesn't every one get ridiculous when they are infatuated? or maybe its just the whole thing that I never thought that I would have anybody and I wanted to milk the fuck out of it because it might not ever happen again, with self esteem problems you build up your partner to be this holy, beautiful being so you put them on this pedestal like you are so far out of their league and then boom, suddenly you realize they are actually human.I don't know I just felt about venting because I'm still in the reflection period of the break up. I'd been so used to not having feelings and having so much trouble with being the ugly duckling and all my friends going on dates and being so pretty while I'm going to bible study and doing my homework in the corner. I feel so stupid for building up everything and I thought I was smart enough to avoid all the "forever" or the "always love you." shit.OH MY FUCKING GOD  please do not ever tell someone you are going to be around forever, even if its just a really close friend because when that forever turns into two years that fucks with everyone. I know in the fun sexy part you think you're immortal and you think that nothing could ruin the fun cute relationship you have. You're not immortal, they wont be there when you aren't young and beautiful, just focus on having fun and making each other happy for the time being.live in the moment and don't think about what's going to happen later because shit happens.

Chapter 3: Pain, The Great Purifier

I was so afraid of causing pain and being a bad experience.
I was so hell bent on protecting, shielding you from all the horrors of heart break
turning myself into a bomb shelter
taking all the fall out
but I didn't know that by shielding you from the real pain
that I hurt you more than i ever could
because I robbed you of a lesson
I took away your chance for clarity
I didn't want you to become like me,
Jaded and guarded
but then I learned that being like me is what helped me survive
being like me helped me thrive
there is no other person that I could be
I wouldn't trade the dragon scales on my skin
or the burning embers of my soul
for the happiness of others
I wouldn't dull the sharp nails
or file down the teeth
for the convenience of another
what point would it be to clip my own wings
for someone else to soar.
Thank you for this gift. thank you for the pain
Thank you for the compression of my soul to turn me into a diamond.
Thank you for waking the dragon, because it had been asleep for way to long
I had lost my drive and my fire, but you found someway to give it back to me
The skies are waiting for me

Adventures in Ex-girlfriend(hood)

Hey, hope you all had a really great holiday break and I am sad for those going back to work and school after having such a great time off. I wasn't sure what to call this post whether i should call it Adventures in ex- girlfriendDOM or ex girlfriendHOOD but either way this is basically my EXperience {hahahaha}. So basically I sort of feel better being an ex than i did being an actual girlfriend. It seems like everyone has been breaking up recently so I don't feel so pitiful. In a weird way I like my ex- more than i had while we were dating. I saw him today but it was very brief, I just ended up being a troll when he left hoping that he would be thinking about me, how good I look, how different my hair looks, how awesome my nose ring is. it seems immature and lame but it's human to be petty. I shouldn't focus all my energy on it I know that. the thing that has bothered me the most was the pity party everyone wants to throw for me because i am single now.They always apologize and make it seem like I have lost a family member or i have cancer when in actuality the fucker is in the next room eating cheetos or some shit.I'm a little happier now which is sort of twisted but at the same time i feel like there is something missing like a piece of me is gone. I don't make it a practice to be very emotional, I guess now all my anger towards the situation has been stored in this energy pouch that's just makes me want to be sexy and productive and get shit done. I want to conquer things. I feel like I have a new start in everything. I feel conflicted to say the least. it's a good and bad type situation, like I feel free but at the same time i miss having the companionship, i miss being a girlfriend and always being there and always having someone to talk to and I obviously miss regular sex. I don't know how to feel. I feel like I am obsessive because that's all I want to talk about and I can't seem to let it go, I'm irritated that it takes so long to move on. i am not sure how long the grieving period is supposed to be, but i don't like it, I don't like grieving and caring and thinking about the situation and replaying everything over and over again in my head because I am so fixated on either being right, or being angry, or just missing all the good parts of my relationship.I'm not sure if i want to move towns because i still have those feelings and sometimes I do think that we could get back together, other times i hate the bastard and hope he bursts into either flames or tears at the very thought of my godliness. Either way he has a lot of my energy and I don't like that. now we just exist separately. I keep getting told to either let him go or fight for what we had but I'm too confused now to even really bother. I'm planning on doing a lot of shopping tomorrow because doing that makes me feel really good, maybe even getting my eyebrows done and getting a little bit more sexy. I just have to focus on myself instead of everyone else. I like doing things for myself. I really just feel like my entire life is one big question mark. Like just a whole series of me walking around and being confused. I feel like subconsciously I do wish we could start over and date again, but there is this louder voice yelling over the tiny voice screaming "GO BE FABULOUS, YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU'RE REALLY HOT SOMEONE ELSE WILL FUCK YOU BETTER, YOU DON'T NEED HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING RAD!" There are probably girls everywhere dealing with the same thing so I know i am not by myself, and I know that what ever i do is up to me and it's what'll make me the happiest not based off of what I am supposed to do. I am just so used to waiting and letting things play out so I don't get hurt but I felt most alive when I made choices for myself even though i got into fucked up situations and had a hard go of it it was still up to me and not anyone else and that felt great.
to be honest i feel like there is this die hard romantic that lived inside my head that I tried to kill with man hating and selfishness. but that little heart still pumps no matter how hard I try to drown it out.

Hating on Animals?

So apparently there is a big deal over maroon 5's song Animals.  Where Adam levine (the only member who's name we all actually know) plays a creepy psycho stalker that works in a Butcher shop that stalks and bothers this pretty model then they have steaming hot Adam sex in pints of blood (a little vampirism, sexy! Jk) but this isn't the first time men have done something creepy in media ie music & television.  Whether it is Blurred lines or Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock where a young man butchers young pretty women because they gave him sex feelings that would upset Mother. I don't see why it's a big deal. Maybe it's because they fuck in the blood? But that's obviously a portrayal of the creep's fantasy not how the video actually ends. I see how it can be upsetting because once something gets mainstream it's mistaken as glorification of something horrible rather than being an art form. Some people are just kind of weak in the brain if after watching the video they decide it's okay to stalk women they probably thought about it before this video was even made. So before you get angry just think about ever single home invasion, torture port movie you've watched and get angry about that as well.