Chapter 15:Social Misfit.

So today I'd gotten ready for a date with a tinder match, turns out the distance between us hindered that date from happening, the thing is I have another date on Friday but I ran out of money online shopping like an asshole. and after that next weekend I will be visiting my estranged uncle who is now living somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wildly attractive life partner. I feel like i am dating myself right now, since i'm sitting at Starbucks nursing a water and trying to spy on this guy a few tables a head of me who is watching Tyler the Creator music videos. I had made eye contact with him more than twice so in my head that means "Take em down to flavor town." and there is a mildly homeless looking man staring at me , the cute guy is doing stretches , who the fuck does stretches at Starbucks, somebody who wants the Jade. he needs to hit on me right now i'm fucking serious . but anyway i'm sitting here waiting for the last minute cancellation so I can go about being a trollop. But in all seriousness my social anxiety is hoping that he doesn't show up so I can be left alone. And there is this old guy that looks like a beat up old version of my ex, hanging out with this Asian chick and it cracks me up because that's probably exactly what he's going to look like in the next 10-20 years if not now. but i'm sort of being a mischievous little shit right now smiling like an idiot because no one knows what I am doing and I'm sitting here blogging and cracking myself up in this cold ass Starbucks. All i could afford was a fucking chocolate cookie so now I have tummy bubbles . I'm so fucking worried about this date. I didn't drive to the Starbucks I walked so the whole leaving situation would be a little weird unless i wait a while after he leaves to leave. I drank my water and ate my cookie already,
I'm stressed the fuck out right now, and I have to pee. like what if he thinks I'm a scrub because I'm broke and I walked to the fucking date like a hippie douche. everything is so complicated. what would make things more complicated would be if he found my blog. but that's a different story. I don't think anyone i see in the future should ever see this to be honest. I mean it's this weird platform where all I do is talk shit about life and dating and my ex boyfriend, while I pretend to be a functioning member of society in my off time. I mean I'm not even a successful blogger I'm just a punk kid with a key board and too many opinions. this is all bad, but luckily it'll be a short date and he wont be staying long enough to figure out that i'm a carless weirdo. even though I'm very lazy and I don't really want to walk back home.the struggle is too fucking real for me right now. I'm super fucking anxious. this is what my ass gets for fucking with tinder. I could've waited until something happened organically instead of being a thirsty bitch. but noooooooo. any way he's supposed to show up in about 30 minutes because life likes to fuck with me all the time.

Tinder for Beginners prt 2

so I have had this app for two days and i see a pattern. it'll go from having a great time and being ecstatic meeting new worthwhile people and having nice conversations about dreams goals aspirations, but then there is a certain breed of men who dive right into the penis jokes. now i realized that my naivety has been my folly in the sense that i set myself up for these damn jokes and poorly thought out innuendos. like it starts off like "hey," "how are you what are you up to." then it goes into, my dick is my favorite body part," "do you want some marshmellows in your hot chocolate." "do you want some yellow to mix with your black?" "how's that ass looking?" who said that that was okay? like when they talk to girls does that shit work beyond cyber space? its all like bleh bleh bleh let me show you my cock, I bet you've never had whit dick before.     I'm sitting here looking at my phone like "this is why most girls in my generation are lesbians, because y'all are fucking ridiculous." it's exhausting. it's like an endless fuckboy trail. I don't understand why white guys, and asian guys dive straight into "ay shawtee whats good want some of this dick" like have you heard black people talk to eachother like this. my ass is sitting over here like "um..i'm watching iron man and reading fucking game of thrones speaking in complete sentences and running a blog, what the fuck are you trying to pull?"  I'm dying over here. it's like i'm not waiting for some douche in shining condom to fuck the sadness out of me, I've moved passed that phase in newly singleness. I can fuck the sad out of my damn self. I like having conversations. that's the only thing I really miss. I miss being attracted to someones mind and voice. I want to have a crush again. I'm too young to feel this indifferent. I want my story to have a plot twist hat leads me to random romance because I'm the shit. i'm not searching for penis jokes and racial innuendos. I'm aware that I'm chocolatey and delicious. I don't need you to remind me.come up with something better than putting your milk in my coco puffs.  I'm too damn fabulous for that shit. I mean compare me to a fuckin sonnet or a summers day mother fucker compare to a sunset or a cool breeze on a hot night.it's all bullshit. I had someone tell me "i'd never tried black girls before." NIGGA THE FAAAAWK YOU MEAN am i supposed to be some sexy racial experiment. pussy is pussy no matter what color the bitch is there is either good pussy or bad pussy, sex has no race.  the game is weak. and the whiteness is appalling. look I've never been rude to any culture i know all cultures are beautiful and shit but sometimes white guys do extra shit. it's like dude black girls are just girls don't make it weird. if you're white act white, don't go from Justin Beiber to asap rock just because you're talking to a woman of color. unless like you grew up around black people and that shit is natural. but dude i fucking cant. so the moral of the story; be yourself, no dick unless i ask for it and no chocolate lines unless i fuck with you heavy.   THE END

Chapter 13: Tinder for Beginners

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So I have tinder account. I've heard a lot about it online and on tv on an almost daily basis. so I decided to check it out and I feel like I'm fucking famous. like I've talked to maybe 6-7 guys withing the span of like a night, and then it just continued random dudes just talking to me and starting conversations and actually sounding like human beings instead of like penis pic perverts. I had to ask someone to please not send me pictures of his no-no zone. I did however see a slightly discolored pink dick, like the tip and a quarter of the shaft was all rosy and precious but the rest was tan. so I was like what the fuck are you going out and tanning your parts with a sock on the tip. the only deal is like half the guys seem to all have the same name like my generation's full of Nick's and Aiden's and Matt's. but the bright side is I am not dating in the generation where all the boys are named Edward, Jacob, Peeta and Gale. I've been a little stir crazy because I am bored and I want to shop but I haven't gotten hired any where yet so I cant go through my full on retail therapy like I want to and I'm getting close to my period so I am agitated and everything makes me want to punch things. It doesn't make it any better when you listen to Tyler the creator cause then you feel like going to your ex;s house and slashing all their tires.   the thing is though I'm starting to get tired of talking about it and I can tell that the people around me are tired of hearing about it and its hard cause I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices their eyes glaze over and they act like I shouldn't complain about anything and I should be lucky that someone was interested in the first place, or that I shouldn't even care. I don't know what they want me to think or do. I help everyone with their bullshit problems and I don't complain and I actually want to help instead of regurgitating hallmark cards and break up bumper stickers about getting back on the horse and all that good shit

 I cant stand it sometimes because everyone around me bottles everything up and I can see it affecting them but when I speak my mind and act like a person with emotions and struggles people bristle up and get uncomfortable. like excuse me for being butt hurt over someone who said that I was the love of their life and I am sorry that i am making you uncomfortable because i'm not swallowing up everything and pretending its fine and I'm sorry you'd rather ship me off to a therapist then talk to your own fucking daughter, I'm sorry having conversations is so burdensome and I'm sorry that trying to keep a healthy dialogue between mother and daughter is inconveniencing you. I wouldn't have this problem if you had saved money when I was a kid and sent me off somewhere where you wouldn't have to deal with me because I      know you don't want to. you'd rather curl up with your phone and disappear in your own private zone because raising your crops on your game is more important than raising a successful adult. I'm just getting sick of being stuck in the same enviornment. it's like my mom wants to pretend that's she's supportive and condusive but I feel trapped I feel like she's trying to keep me here. she's so afraid of everything that I do and I cant deal with all her issues and foibles because I have my own. I am my own person with hopes, dreams, ideas , heartbreak and aspirations.the only reason I am staying here is because I cant afford anything else and to be honest I like being by myself because at least then I would be the only one worrying about how I look. She's so afraid of everything I do, like my hair and my careers. sometimes I regret pulling out of going into the military because then I would be somewhere else somewhere I wouldn't be smothered  and neglected at the same time. I don't even know how that works. it's like the closer I get to leaving I get yanked back in with psuedo affection and motherly good intent and then once she knows I'm not going anywhere she goes back to being the same person. its like having a tumor. I just want to be free and to not feel this dragging horrible feeling. and then on top of that my grandma is moving out but every time she talks about it she makes it look like we are trying to kick her out or we want her to leave.so there's this weird hanging in the air.like she's being treated so poorly when we hardly speak and we all just exist on the same wave length without bothering each other, 

I just want to run away everyday now/ I want to run off into the horizon, go to the beach alone without anyone just by myself. I want to take a dance class, I want to have really hot sex with one of the guys on my tinder, I want to get tattoos and get false eyelashes and stiletto nails. I want to scream into the pale blue yander. i want to feel like a savage. I want to be a wild girl with weird tattoos and the flattest tone stomach and little to no clothes. I want to rip out of this shell and ravage the civilized world. I want to be the Samantha of my friend group not the Carrie, I want to do naked cart wheels on venice beach. O feel like i want everything, but i'm out of reach of everything.