Misery

as i am writing this i would like to inform you that i am not wearing my glasses because i cant find them. so this will not be well edited nor will it be gramatically correct because i cant really fucking see.I've been going through some weird stuff like my body has been on the fritz for the last few days. i survived a panic attack at work and i have been having this overwhelming achey feeling in my bones like something is going to happen. I'm not sure if it is good or bad but i can feel it deep in my marrow. like a metaphorical storm is coming. even through if you live in California like me a storm has already come to pass and it is going to be a bit gloomy for a few days.found my glasses. okay so anyway. i have been feeling like severely romantically starved like I have become obsessed with like true love tarot readings and love horoscopes and shit like something will actually happen but nothing seems to be happening accept for the tarot readings telling me to go out and socialize and maybe you'll find someone worth your time. and i'm like "Oh fucking really? I could've told myself this bullshit instead of wasting data and battery." and the only options i have at the moment is the hot meat guy at my job and this military kid that hs been texting me on and off for a while but at the same time I see no real future with either options because the military one has fuck boy tendencies and the meat guy would get me fired if I actually ended up fucking him because my job has like this strict sexual harrassment thing.but I feel empty like there is a part of me out there missing and It fucks with me on  a cellular level. Like all I want right now is for someone to look at me the way Robert Pattinson looks at FKA twigs in the met gala photos DO YOU FUCKING SEE ALL THAT RAW ADORATION???? I mean jesus christ I hate hearing that bullshit when people are like "you have to love yourself first then love will come" because i love myself more than anyone ever could to where it is boardering on Kanye west self obsession, and this has been a long dry spring bordering on an even dryer summer. and i know some of you out there are like damn she's thirsty or damn she needs to worry about her career and going to school because she's too young for this shit. well first off FUCK YOU you can still be strongly sexually and romantically oriented and pursue a career like I want to be an ESL or kindergarten teacher. I know that shit now and I know I can still do all the other stuff I saw myself doing if I go back to school in my 20's. and second of all I cant control these feelings it's not like I can turn them off. love and sex is as natural as food and drink just not everyone gets to have them. ANd I have wished for most of my life that I could shut these feelings down, that I could bury this part of me and become a robot.i wished that i could live asexually instead of constantly being a lusty monster craving love, adoration, and constant affections. that's another reason why my relationship fell apart because my greedy neediness and always wanting the attention and touch of my previous partner. but I cant help it, it's like I am addicted to touch and without it i start to go into this weird withdrawl. there is no shutting it down and turning off the power switch. there is no "just don't think about it." there is no dont crave the slightest touch of someone who loves you. there is no cure.  
  there is no cure for hope, there is no cure for endless love. there is no cure for dreaming that one day there will be someone to give it too me without complication. like I have this scenario in my head that I will meet that person and time will slow down and everything will fall into place.everyone has someone that makes the world stop for them. Frida Khalo had Diego Rivera, Scarlet O'hara had Rhett Butler. There is that one person that makes a home in your soul and wouldn't ever leave, no matter the circumstances and I refuse to give that up.There is someone who will break all this boredom and monotony. there is a great love out there. there has to be.

Curse of the Swamp witch.

so lets begin a story about the ridiculous attrocity that i have begun to call a love life or lack there of. I am still begrudgingly single and the prospects that i do end up having strong feelings for are less then great.the loneliness of small town Tujunga is violently depressing and the sadness seeps into my bones.hope is the cruelest tool of all. the hope to leave. the hope to escape this Purgatory, the hope to love and be loved. the hope for friends who don't just use me as a free therapist. my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference.  and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except  how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.