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I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings.
I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past.. 
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