Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be