The Universe Needs To Get The Fuck Up Out My Face

Sorry I havent posted in a while, i actually started school! yay me getting my life together and shit. turns out i was really meant for school. I don't know it makes me happy like I feel fulfilled going. But I am noticing more and more that i am becoming this like hyper feminine Ziggy Star Dust communist witch. I am kinda digging that. what I am not digging are these weird signs from the universe. Don't get me wrong i adore the universe and all its weird but when it comes to my lacking love life I don't want signs, I want to get hit in the face with a mac- truck that looks like Shia Labeouf. personally I am as subtle as a shot gun, so why must signs be so damn drawn out and cryptic. I don't know if its Real Miko or Period Miko but either way i am pretty mad. there have been small things like an influx in white butterflies in the area which signify change soon to come or already done. I have still been seeing heart shapes literally everywhere I go. I shit you not the other day at work this lady had a heart shaped splotch on her titty. I almost went home I swear to God. Like if it has something to say it needs to say it to my fucking face instead of giving me all these dreams and metaphysical diddles. but like right now i feel like its laughing it's ass off like "bitch if only you knew what was in store, you'd shit your pants." if thats the case then nevermind everything i just said. but I really do want something sort of sexy and really cool to happen, preferably not with any one i work with. unless it's the cute night shift starbucks guy cause he looks like Prince Eric from the little mermaid and that oddly turns me on.my birthday is coming up soon! I have survived nineteen years in this body even through dealing with depression and anxiety. SUCK IT! i'm getting my nose pierced and ordering Pineapple peperoni pizza and sea salt ice cream and no one can fucking stop me. I gotta go to work though. Catch ya later nerds. I am out. SHibby.!!!

Chapter 22: Retrograde?

SO, from the 18th to june 11th mercury is going to be in retrograde. Now I believe in horoscopes and magic and shit so save your eyerolls and scoffs for someone else. the effects of retrograde consist of ; the reappearance of ex's, and old friends. Around this time people become forgetfull and they don't think really clearly however.the point of tonight's entry isn't to give you an astrology lesson, it's to give you some warnings as to where this post is headed. So tonight I woke up from a nap feeling kind of shitty y'know like i was in an air plane terminal on those moving sidewalks. and I was going through tumblr as I usually do and I felt a pang of loneliness. I had been feeling sort of like a fish out of water for the past month or so and i have been stuck in this nasty rut ever since I have started working. so I prayed. {lol funny because the last entry I said I wasn't going to pray or believe in magic, well jokes on you fuckers 'cause I'm still doing both}anyway. so it was a simple prayer. I asked for friends who were like me and could keep me company and have fun with, then I sort of wished for an ideal dude which is basically Tom Hardy, y'know rugged and scary and fear inspiring but still has a soft spot for yours truly. And then a friend of mine that stopped talking to me for a while hit me up on facebook because i took a picture in one of her shirts and she wants to come get it back. but the whole time we were talking it was cold and distant and sort of like two divorced parents schedueling the drop off times for their kids. but after that little blurb I was feeling kind of off, but at the same time I could have just been being sensitive because a lot of stuff gets lost in translation over text and I always think people are mad at me. but anyway i felt super disappointed because whenever people re-appear in my life recently its been like trying to wear pants that are too tight. and then I got to thinking {like I usually do} that I should move on in other things and stop holding onto this torch that I am holding for my former flame because their return could be equal parts sad and dissapointing. Plus I'm sure every one is sick of me going on about him anyway. but honestly it would be like trying to wear the old dress from your prom that doesnt quiet fit the same way even though you can zip it up.It'll be uncomfortable and terrible. if I want to be uncomfotable i'll just watch Japanese game shows or look at my middle school pictures. oh and besides that i realized i am very boring. I work and come home and make weird online purchases. I'm pretty sure my masterbation routine is getting stale. that's how fucking boring i have become.It's like I am an old person. ITS FUCKING TERRIBLE and I suck at making new friends so all that's going to happen is i am going to stay in the same routine unbothered and probably order an XBOX so I can be alone and sad and fangirl over the character design of some videogame that's better than my life.

Chapter 21: Crow Eater.

I have to go on this bus trip tomorrow in LA and I really don't want to. i hate taking the bus but everyone thinks it's because I think I'm too good to ride the bus but I'm scared because I don't want to get lost, I'm like a tiny baby. But instead of planning the bus route and dealing with what's actually bothering me I'm watching The Crow, and avoiding my issues. But I mean fawning over hot grunge Brandon Lee is way more interesting than thinking about having to go to LA and coming back home on the bus. Usually when I have little bouts of anxiety like this over tiny trivial things like getting lost and murdered or losing my job or spending too much money, I used to pray.
 I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in  exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings. I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past..