I sort of have a job, i am waiting for a call today from my future boss and i got an email from this company that wants me to proof read company emails and shit. they'll pay me like $50 bucks to do something that a computer can do by its self. but I'm not going to pass up free money. any way i have been thinking of doing stand up for a little bit because I have a bunch of fucked up stories of my life that I feel like I could share for shits and giggles. my hair is growing out and i want to shave the sides again because I want to be a badass; iItold a friend of mine that i was going to clean up the sides and she was like "Nooo don't shave it you'll look like a boy." and i was like BITCH! you act like I haven't been old i look like a dyke with long hair as well. either way I have my hair with theses fucking foot ball player shoulders that i have i'm going to look butch, its a fucking given, I've played sports all my life so I have a weird square body and a girly face. if anything I look like a gay man I don't need your approval to shave my head so i can look like storm from the X-men comics.
but at the same time I don't own a set of clippers so I cant do it myself and there are no reputable black stylists in Tujunga. so i'm going to have to wait until I can buy a pair of clippers myself. but any way my Ex's mom set me up with this house sitting gig so i'm working three jobs like a Jamaican .but to be honest i have no idea what I am doing in life I'm just trying to save enough money so I can get my drivers licence and a car before the end of this year.I'm doing pretty well in the productivity sphere. and I have been working on my books so I can try to publish them again. the thing is sometimes I just don't feel inspired I feel like I have to write so people don't judge me for just sitting at home or going on walks. no one thinks I do enough of anything. I like writing but I feel like I am pressuring myself to publish so I can prove things to people.
I keep hearing crap like my mom was talking to me one day about how her co-workers felt about me not going to college and I was like "are they going to pay my fuckin' tuition?" I'm not lazy and i'm not an idiot. I wasn't put in a position where everything would just be laid at my feet, I'm tired of feeling guilty that I'm not like everyone else. i mean at least i'm trying to go after one of my dreams instead of just going out and getting drunk or high or something like that. I mean the grossest thing I do is masterbate and that's fucking natural. I'm not like everyone else, this is my book my story my life. I don't want to feel like I'm spoiled because I'm not. I shop with my own money, the only thing I don't pay for is food and rent and like utilities and shit because I start working next week.by the time I start working then i'll pay for that but I want to be somebody and I want to rub it in people's faces. like no I didn't go to college, but i fucking made it anyway. it irks me because when I want to talk about my writing or my novels no one wants to listen to me, but I'm supposed to listen to everyone else when they want to talk about me going to art school or being a make up artist or going to community college. It still feels like my life isnt even mine, even though I'm supposed to take control over my life.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment