Mala Vida Aesthetic

So apparently Prince's are real. Like I totally fan girled about him with my friends after work because I don't think I've ever seen someone so perfect. like I cant live. he was so pretty. he had dark hair with these pretty blonde highlights and an effortless like wavy curl to them that made him look like a surfer/skater which apparently is the aesthetic that I just melt for. he had the most amazing eyes like they were blue but with silver painted on the middle of the iris with these thick brown eyelashes and a little scruffy lost boy beard. Oh my god and don't get me started with his skin. it was comparable to molten caramel. he showed up at my job and my heart just about leapt out of my chest. and i  was sick today i had almost not come to work. but then i would have missed out on angelic mag-fucking-nificence.
I was a wreck like you know when you see someone and you're like "I hope to god that I see you again because you made glitter blossom in my heart and I don't know how to feel because I don't like feeling these types of feelings." and I freaked the fuck out because he was such a little daddy I died.  I hope to god I see him again. I didn't even learn his name. but like then again what the fuck would he want with a 19 y/o dickhead who doesn't even have a car. it doesn't matter he was a real live prince and I think I am going to have to take a few days to get over the shock. I didn't even know dudes that looked like that were real anymore. he was like Vic Fuentes and Avan Jogia fused into the ultimate babe.  
I'm noticing a lot about myself and like I have this weird weakness for alternative, skater, loiter squad dudes.like dudes that look like they play guitar and talk about over throwing the government. the same thing with chicks too though, like all the girls that I've thought were hot have that whole Tank Girl, skater vibe going on as well and I need to control myself. I guess it is my opposite because  grew up being the Sporty bitch from the conservative uber religious black christian family. I guess like  in a weird way I still am like the 'goody goody.' and i find myself drawn to like mischievous, pirate esque people all the time. like I'm lookin' for trouble hahaha. I sound ridiculous.

I really just want to see him again, like even if nothing happens I want to see his pretty face and freak out and be weird about it and then act like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure that was the father of my future children but y'know I could be wrong, A girl can dream though right? I'm always falling for people who could potentially ruin my shit. there is always that one special person that can just fuck yo whole damn life up and I'ma keep waiting for mine,
that mother fucker looks like how good coffee tastes and I'm still mad about it.

Young Black and Uncomfortable.

     
So like I'm watching this "Dear Fat People." shit because it's been showing up on my tumblr and I feel like I am basically watching a poor man's Jenna Marbles. She doesn't deserve all the attention that it's getting because she's a bit of a garbage can. "fat shaming isn't a thing." like transformers "there is more than meets the eye." with a situation such as Weight, and fat shaming. what was the point of this video being made? this isn't stopping obesity, this isn't promoting the habits that should be adopted instead this isn't a health channel, she's not a YouTube yoga/ fitness guru. she's just some mildly funny chick biting off the same Jenna Marble's shtick in order to get likes. People are always going to be different, that is why society hasn't crumbled because we are all built in a way that'd benefit future generations. even in the animal world there are variants in colors, shapes, sizes and abilities why is it that we expect to be the same?

    What right do we have to question nature?. we have to look the same as everyone else, but we also have to "be the innovator, the originator." yada yada yada it makes no fucking sense. Why is it that a species that cultivated the earth and ran civilizations cant get over the fact that there are different types in the species. Humans were not meant to be homogenous (having the same gene/characteristics) in appearance. Not once have I seen a dog not bark at another dog because that dog was too fat. in that dogs mind all he sees is a dog. the other dog is obviously different but its still a dog. so if someone is a fat person, or Overweight, or Pudgy or so have you why do they not get recognized as being a person. we have come up with so many ways to push other people away to alienate those of our species. What good does that do? its basically civil war. if you want to make a video shaming someone there should be a video made about shaming the food industry for hyper sexualizing gluttonous activities and shoving different Burger, Pizza, and Candy companies down our throat. blame media for not promoting healthy lifestyles until then 2010's or continuing to perpetuate standards of beauty which are almost obsolete and destructive to the collective psyche. promoting thin almost mal nourished male and female models to be objectified and praised as what beauty should be. but in reality the beauty should be practical fro the species to survive. muscular people, curvy people, thicker people. people who could defend themselves physically as the beauty standard. we seem to peer into other people's lives instead of minding our own business. instead of worrying about what fat people are doing with their diets maybe like start knitting, adopt a pet, learn a new language.
          
            Better yourself. and that goes for anyone who puts people down. anyone with a bully/mean girl mentality that is old enough to have a 40 hr a week , or 9-5 job should just worry about themselves. there is no problem with fat people. there is a problem with a-holes body-policing someone just because they were inconvenienced by the fat aesthetic.  there is so much to be done in the ways of body acceptance because even though different looking people have been around since time it's self humans cant seem to grasp that concept like babies with a lack of object permanencehttps://youtu.be/CXFgNhyP4-A
so watch the video think about it, comment. if you agree...eh. if you disagree also eh... as long as you follow comment or subscribe.
                                                 

YO BITCHES

So I haven't posted anything in a while and i really should be doing homework instead of this shit but I've had some things I needed to write out and get off my chest, so here we go. WARNING the tea will be especially hot today. moving on as you all know I have started school, and this is like the second week but one of my professors actually struck a chord with me. As you already know I have been floundering in this murky water called adult hood and I had no intentions of going to school. In fact I was hoping to run off with some weirdo and own a crafts store or some hipster shit like that. but I digress, she asked why we were here like what our reasons were. and I said I was going because my mom didn't want me to end up like her and so afterward she goes. :"so is anyone here for themselves? is anyone here not just because MOMMY said you need to go to school." and I just kind of sat there like WOW I am a sheep. I am going to school just because someone else told me to. but it wasn't just my mom pushing me to go to school. my coworkers at the store kept breathing down my neck about me going to college when they found out i was an artist. my uncles had been trying to coax me into going since i could hold a pencil, but other than hatred and spite toward men who shall remain nameless i had no real motivation. I want to be a writer, but I never looked too far into writing because everyone put my art on a pedestal. it's not even that great but since I'm the only one in my family that can actually draw more than geometric shapes they made a big deal out of it. My whole reason for being here is misguided hate. like "I hate these people so much i want to have a cool ass fucking career but the only way to get that career that i can rub in their smug fucking disapproving faces is by going to college." and you know what that isn't healthy but hatred is better than working out of infatuation. I do't have a noble cause. I am not working out of my love for someone else like Jay fucking Gatsby. I am working because of seething unquenchable hatred, blinding, red, flaming, volcanic hatred that ruminates in the dark little corners of my head. I feel like Batman in the Dark knight rises.Like all of the pain and bullshit and stupid horrible people I encounter everyday, the stupid horrible people that I used to love, all of them fuel this like raging inferno of hate and disgust that flames my ass in order for me to get a fucking bachelors and go to UCSB I have been hearing people ask WHY alot. Why are you doing this? what is your motivation, and for a long time I thought love would be my motivation. I loved someone so much all I wanted was for them to be proud of me. to see some kind of worth in what I was doing. But you know what the flames of complete and utter hate scorch the majestic rivers of love. now I don't give a fuck if they are proud or not. I want them to know what they missed. I want them to feel the jab in their side every time they see my name on the bookshelf of their favorite bookstore. I want them to squirm when they hear my name on the radio while they're on a drive with the person that they're fucking. I want to come up in the new releases tab on their kindle fire and make that pit in their stomach fucking enormous. I want to be the ghost haunting them in their sleep.   I don't want to be the love stuck knight or the hero a cause. I want to be the fucking villain.I know its super petty to do well based off of negative forces and karma is going to fuck me in the ass eventually, but I'm ready for that bitch honey, I'll be a power bottom for that bitch as long as I make it to the top. This is basically for everyone; My shitty insane boss, my delinquent father and the rest of his ass backwards family, star, he who shall not be named. everyone, there is a list honey, trust. yo girl is one petty spiteful bitch. I know god don't like ugly but ugly feelings get the job done. The funny part about this is I thought I had to grow up. I thought I had to stop being petty and childish and take all this fuckery like a lady to not come across as "crazy," or not to be "that girl" but being that girl is so fucking fun. so fun. being a bitch is fun, being sarcastic is fun, being petty gets work done, being a sexual deviant is fun.I don't have to "behave" for anybody. I can be as fucked up and raw and gritty as I fucking want to.

The Universe Needs To Get The Fuck Up Out My Face

Sorry I havent posted in a while, i actually started school! yay me getting my life together and shit. turns out i was really meant for school. I don't know it makes me happy like I feel fulfilled going. But I am noticing more and more that i am becoming this like hyper feminine Ziggy Star Dust communist witch. I am kinda digging that. what I am not digging are these weird signs from the universe. Don't get me wrong i adore the universe and all its weird but when it comes to my lacking love life I don't want signs, I want to get hit in the face with a mac- truck that looks like Shia Labeouf. personally I am as subtle as a shot gun, so why must signs be so damn drawn out and cryptic. I don't know if its Real Miko or Period Miko but either way i am pretty mad. there have been small things like an influx in white butterflies in the area which signify change soon to come or already done. I have still been seeing heart shapes literally everywhere I go. I shit you not the other day at work this lady had a heart shaped splotch on her titty. I almost went home I swear to God. Like if it has something to say it needs to say it to my fucking face instead of giving me all these dreams and metaphysical diddles. but like right now i feel like its laughing it's ass off like "bitch if only you knew what was in store, you'd shit your pants." if thats the case then nevermind everything i just said. but I really do want something sort of sexy and really cool to happen, preferably not with any one i work with. unless it's the cute night shift starbucks guy cause he looks like Prince Eric from the little mermaid and that oddly turns me on.my birthday is coming up soon! I have survived nineteen years in this body even through dealing with depression and anxiety. SUCK IT! i'm getting my nose pierced and ordering Pineapple peperoni pizza and sea salt ice cream and no one can fucking stop me. I gotta go to work though. Catch ya later nerds. I am out. SHibby.!!!

BLACK KIDS AREN'T PETTING ZOOS

so this thing happened at work and I couldn't do anything because i was working and i have to smile in these fake pig people's faces all the time. there was this kid like 15 feet away from me and he looked mixed or light skinned but he had non-black white passing friends and the kid had this pretty healthy little fro right and these little monster babies are fondling him and prodding him like he is a baby sheep and he just looks miseable like his soul is deflating as they prod and molest his little baby crown. and i had this gut feeling like i could feel the same thing he felt because I was that friend, that token black friend being poked at being examined like a frog on he dissection table.I was at the other side. I was the "how do you get your hair like that?" I was the "if i stick a pencil in your hair will it stay there?" or "can I touch your hair? it's so big!" that's uncool, uncomfortable and no body likes that shit. you don't see black people asking white people if we can touch their hair because they don't fucking want to. like looking in the face of that little pudding made me want to swoop in like fucking WONDERMIKO and shoo off the kids. Like dude furreal you guys are still on this "Let's fondle black people for kicks bullshit." we are not for your consumption dude. BACK THE FUCK UP. you cannot marvel at our features and then belittle those same features making the new black youth feel fetishized and unwanted at the same time. That's gross. but on another note I have started school and I am going mission college then i am transferring to Csun located in my home town of northridge CA but I have been thinking alot of old friends and people I otherwise no longer associate with and all of the people i have encountered in my life have an unhealthy view of black people. most of my friends have been WOC (women of color) either mexican or asian or native american or of mixed race and still these bitches often made it a point to confide in me their veiws on black men. by telling me they aren't attracted to them. first in foremost i can give negative to FUCKS about your relationship with black men. especially because their "nonattraction." is rooted in eurocentric ideals of beauty and attractiveness. second of all white dudes hold the record for sex related crimes and violence against women, and PA-LEASE don't come at me with that not all white guys shit. because the ones who aren't either racist trogladites, or sexually frustrated sociopaths, are obsessed with the EXOTIC. that means putting WOC on a pedestal based off of hypersexualized fetishized fantasies and notions of what it's like to date a {      } girl.  and it's fucking gross.you basically end up being sexy exotic furniture. I know from experience. But me personally I had never thought about who i was sexually attracted to in terms of race. everybody likes certain things; eye color, sense of humor, big dick, kindness, muscles ect ect. i had never sexually excluded anyone because I'm kind of a horny hyperromantic love starved fool who hopes for the fairytale ending which includes someone who cuddles me, touches my butt, and makes a mean breakfast. that's ALL I fucking looked for was love and acceptance and worship; not what racial criteria he had to meet. even though during my younger years i had a flavor of the month club mentality. but i was going through hormonal changes and i found many different types of men attractive. But to have people i care about and talk to look me in the face and tell me men of my culture aren't up to their fucking standards whilst they track pink dick like fucking military grade snipers is fucking beyond me. That's like me telling my lesbian friend i would never fall in love with a woman. Because I don't fucking know who my true love is yet. It could be a woman. she could be a fucking Mathematics major and she could turn out to be the love of my fucking life. My soulmate could be a Young black man who is studying temporarily at a community college before transferring to a HBUC who'd end up graduating subacumlaudy. My soulmate could fucking be some guy i met bagging groceries who's mixed.I am not going to limit my love to people because their culture or creed religion or background because if they eat pussy right and they know what to do when i;m sad or i've had a shitty day it doesn't fucking matter what their background is. what matters is that they treat you like a person instead of a mantle piece what matters is they don't make you feel like shit for not agreeing with them. as long as they are not abusive manipulative selfish people that's the fucking shit you need to worry about. not how dark they are or the history of struggle that their lineage had faced.  if anything you should hope for a black person to bless you with their presence. you're children will have the strength of survivors and mystics and heroes coursing through them. fuck people who are quick to say love is love, but correct it with "BUT I"M NOT REALLY INTO BLACK GUYS" because news flash bitch, black guys are like every other guy you've ever met. they play XBOX and talk shit to their friends and talk about boobs and ass and pussy and their crazy ex girlfriends. the only difference is they were built to withstand heat and struggle and probably have heard tons of people reject them based off of their beautiful skin. Being in an interracial relationship does not make you more special or more worthy than other black people and for my non black POC dating a black person does not make you less than, or belittle you, or mean you get an all access pass to appropriate black culture. what it does mean is that you're kids will be hot because they have african DNA and they'll have a better complexion then their nonblack counter part and you may have to actually learn about black people, black culture and black hair. WE ARE PEOPLE don't treat black people like some sort of alien race. just fucking don't. if you do I hope a hand in the shape of mine comes down from the sky and slaps the fucking shit out of you because you're being garbage.I fucking can't dude I just fucking can't . we live in a time where young black kids are being slaughtered like animals in record numbers and all your pretty little brain can think of is "I'm not into black guys, hey Miko is it true what they say about black dicks." GUESS WHAT BITCH I would;n't fucking know if it was true Because the last dick I saw was pink and ruined my life so don't ask me weird intrusive racial questions about black male genitalia. BEcause dick size is relative, just like the size of the labias and breasts we walk around with. ANd honestly do you think all black women simultaneously learn about black dick, or we all have to go look at eachothers parts to pass some ancient ritual. fuck outta here man that's so fucking icky.IF you are nonblack and friends with black people or dating black people don't subscribe to fucking stereotypes kid, educate yourselves and respect your peers. Don't be a fucking ass hat.

Strawberry Moon

Retrograde is going to be coming to an end on June 11th. however I have been having strange little occurrences. during the week i had noticed that there are hearts everywhere like everytime i cook or eat icecream even the cracks on my phone started to look like hearts it was freaking me out. like they were everywhere. Like I don't even know what is going on. I am single as fuck and all my friends are living their lives but i have this little job. no one bothers me. It's like I am getting danger Will Robinson warnings from the universe.like the spirit world is telling me all this calm happy fun time I have been spending alone is going to be abruptly interrupted but call me crazy I have been enjoying this character developement portion of my life.Being without friends and a lover is actually kind of awesome, I am not going to say I'm having the time of my life and that I dont need anyone. I like being in relationships and i like having friends but I can survive.Its like this calm content feeling Like when you eat just the right amount of food. I dont really feel like a person though, I feel like a gust of wind or an idea or a witch. I just enjoy living in this little world in my head. I know that I am weird and that it's going to be hard meeting people and having relationships, but it's supposed to be difficult if it's not difficult then it cant be right.I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense But it does kind of feel good to just have a general stream of consciousness. just write how you feel at the moment. right now I am just worried. I'm worried because whenever I get comfortable something changes. because now I am comfortable. I am comfortable with my job, with myself. everything is kind of just mellow. so I worry about losing my job, or losing the person I am becoming because I really like her. I like this person and I am a little upset that I cant share who I am blooming into with anyone. but I am also very satisfied because most women don't have this person until they've reached their forties. I keep losing this one lipstick though its called Creature by ColourPop cosmetics and I ordered it like twice and it kept disappearing. I want to order it again but at the same time I don't want to spend any money. I want to enjoy the birthday i have coming up soon but i have been stuffing away money for my escape. I am kind of tempted to give up because I can't get past 300 dollars and it's super frustrating. I am going to be starting school in august I am thinking of switching out the child development course for creative writing. creative writing would make sense.more sense than teaching.but at the same time I could take the child development course next semester. I'd make a better writer than a teacher anyway.But I am really excited. I am still holding out for the barbarian king to invade my land though, like even though everything is great and I am being all hot sexy and independent there needs to be some Jason Momoa looking Conqueror mother fucker coming to tune me up for the rest of my life. I am just putting it out there. they say that the strawberry moon is the one that makes all The things that you want happen. you never know I am just sort of a superstitious little bitch. having a slab of bbq red meat would be nice as well.

Chapter 23: Moving Forward In Retrograde

I am actually enrolled in school. it has taken me like thirty fucking years but I'm going to be a college girl!bad news I got two periods this month and it was accompanied by violent cramps causing me to miss work.But at the same time no one should make someone feel shitty over stuff that is out of control. like I don't know how to control that shit, if i could turn it off and never have it again I fucking would but i cant it happens every month and every month i loose like 10 pounds but oh no cant inconvenience other people with your "minor" health problems oh heavens no. fuck outta here with that noise bruh. I got a period a violent, mean, mother fucking war inside of my body where wolves fucking tear apart my inner uterean lining and fuck my whole shit up. not even refer calms that shit down. what kind of fucking monster cant be soothed by pot? I tried fucking everything. even soup! I was a fucking warrior I got dressed and everything but I have to walk to work, so i just sat there in my filth and sadness, and just gave the fuck up. like literally this is how it feels.. and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent.  I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids."  and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need.  But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.

Retrograde Day 2

I dont think i have ever actually cared about retrograde until this year because this is the first year that i have been like balls deep in magic and horoscopes and other shit. i havent gotten any profound life altering messages and i am seriously considering getting my septum pierced again because i had a lot of fun having my septum pierced. it made me feel really powerful; and fearsome. like i had an attitude and i was unfuckwithable. It could be like i was a mystic or some kind of war goddess in a past life and that makes me obsessed with war and body art and body modifications. It makes me feel like a goddamned boss. The tone of this blog is so differetn from the post i made this morning mostly because i vented all my frustrations with my mom today and it was so cleansing and cathartic. like we were on the same page for once, but i am going to have to make an appointment with my therapist George because my mom noticed signs of depression.and with that like alarms went off in my head because i had never experienced depression before or at least i was too dumb to see it. but recently i have been sluggish and apathetic, more moody than usual, wanting to sleep forever and always tired. and like my diet is crap because i just eat microwave meals and meat and candy. I'm surprised I havent died yet. I also realized I cant feed myself. like today i ate a burger and fries for breakfast but i walked to the burger place so that must be healthy. but like my bones hurt and i feel really agitated like everything just gets on my nerves and I am a mess.I cant pick a song to listen to I cant pick any good movies and the movies I do end up watching are movies that I can practicaly recite verbatum. i really need to watch my health, i am really worried about being diabetic so i keep like talking to my mom about it and she brushed me off so i think i'm just going to start eating salads and almonds and stuff so i wont be paranoid. i mean if no one is going to listen to me i might as well take my health into my own hands. even though alot of websites are like DONT MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS IN RETROGRADE but whats so bad about trying to be a healthy bitch. I could even reverse the effects. And when i get paranoid i drink this bitter root tea that tastes like old socks. I don't feel fatigued I just feel unmotivated, I go to the bathroom alot but thats because i drink like 8 waters a day since i am on that tumblr "stay hydrated" ban wagon. the vision shit is not much of a reliable thing because i have shitty eyesight anyway. but what does worry me is the pins and needles in my toes and somethimes my fingers, that freaks me out. but like after i do something healthy it goes away. i dont really eat alot of sugar. i cant even finish a pint of ice cream or a whole donut, which sucks. but like my health is super important to me even though i feel like i am going to die any second. I'm just sort of a wreck. I am all around concerned about everything, i cant go a minute with out being worried about something. it's exhausting.but I got retrograde goodies since the technology is supposed to be all wonky as well as everything else. I have new headphones a charger and this thing i can carry around that charges my phone for me. my phone started acting up a little because it was playing music out of no where but other than that every thing has been kosher. I spoke to my old friend again, it felt equally as awkward as it did the last time.but let by gones be bygones i guess. oh and sorry for no pictures i didnt really feel like looking for any. so y'all just gone have to read.

Lost girl

do you ever get that feeling that you're not at home even when you're in your own house? Like i dont know how to explain it but it's like I know this isnt where I am supposed to be. I know it sounds really crazy but it has felt that way for as long as I could remember like I was some kind of alien. it's like you get along fine with people but you dont really care about what they're talking about. You make small talk you go through the motions and you still come back feeling super empty and distant. I've never understood that feeling.  but there is a home somewhere I think. somewhere where i wont feel out of place and alien. there is a tribe, this is just a rough, lonely, boring patch thats all. I mean it cant be all gloom and doom forever. like I was upset earlier because I was watching a tutorial for the new mortal Kombat X and I was thinking how I would never be able to play any of those games because I couldn'fforthe Xbox one and now its on sale for $349.  and with that I could buy it after my next 3 pay checks and get Witcher and Mortal Kombat. so there was a solution to that dilemma, then there has to be a tribe like literally right around the corner. It could be right under my nose waiting for me to stumble into their arms. I think that's what everyone really wants. is to be somewhere where they know that they are comfortable and loved. just like there is an affordable video game waiting to be played. there's always something waiting for you to find it.  i guess my problem is it just dont know where to look

Chapter 22: Retrograde?

SO, from the 18th to june 11th mercury is going to be in retrograde. Now I believe in horoscopes and magic and shit so save your eyerolls and scoffs for someone else. the effects of retrograde consist of ; the reappearance of ex's, and old friends. Around this time people become forgetfull and they don't think really clearly however.the point of tonight's entry isn't to give you an astrology lesson, it's to give you some warnings as to where this post is headed. So tonight I woke up from a nap feeling kind of shitty y'know like i was in an air plane terminal on those moving sidewalks. and I was going through tumblr as I usually do and I felt a pang of loneliness. I had been feeling sort of like a fish out of water for the past month or so and i have been stuck in this nasty rut ever since I have started working. so I prayed. {lol funny because the last entry I said I wasn't going to pray or believe in magic, well jokes on you fuckers 'cause I'm still doing both}anyway. so it was a simple prayer. I asked for friends who were like me and could keep me company and have fun with, then I sort of wished for an ideal dude which is basically Tom Hardy, y'know rugged and scary and fear inspiring but still has a soft spot for yours truly. And then a friend of mine that stopped talking to me for a while hit me up on facebook because i took a picture in one of her shirts and she wants to come get it back. but the whole time we were talking it was cold and distant and sort of like two divorced parents schedueling the drop off times for their kids. but after that little blurb I was feeling kind of off, but at the same time I could have just been being sensitive because a lot of stuff gets lost in translation over text and I always think people are mad at me. but anyway i felt super disappointed because whenever people re-appear in my life recently its been like trying to wear pants that are too tight. and then I got to thinking {like I usually do} that I should move on in other things and stop holding onto this torch that I am holding for my former flame because their return could be equal parts sad and dissapointing. Plus I'm sure every one is sick of me going on about him anyway. but honestly it would be like trying to wear the old dress from your prom that doesnt quiet fit the same way even though you can zip it up.It'll be uncomfortable and terrible. if I want to be uncomfotable i'll just watch Japanese game shows or look at my middle school pictures. oh and besides that i realized i am very boring. I work and come home and make weird online purchases. I'm pretty sure my masterbation routine is getting stale. that's how fucking boring i have become.It's like I am an old person. ITS FUCKING TERRIBLE and I suck at making new friends so all that's going to happen is i am going to stay in the same routine unbothered and probably order an XBOX so I can be alone and sad and fangirl over the character design of some videogame that's better than my life.

Chapter 21: Crow Eater.

I have to go on this bus trip tomorrow in LA and I really don't want to. i hate taking the bus but everyone thinks it's because I think I'm too good to ride the bus but I'm scared because I don't want to get lost, I'm like a tiny baby. But instead of planning the bus route and dealing with what's actually bothering me I'm watching The Crow, and avoiding my issues. But I mean fawning over hot grunge Brandon Lee is way more interesting than thinking about having to go to LA and coming back home on the bus. Usually when I have little bouts of anxiety like this over tiny trivial things like getting lost and murdered or losing my job or spending too much money, I used to pray.
 I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in  exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings. I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past..   

Misery

as i am writing this i would like to inform you that i am not wearing my glasses because i cant find them. so this will not be well edited nor will it be gramatically correct because i cant really fucking see.I've been going through some weird stuff like my body has been on the fritz for the last few days. i survived a panic attack at work and i have been having this overwhelming achey feeling in my bones like something is going to happen. I'm not sure if it is good or bad but i can feel it deep in my marrow. like a metaphorical storm is coming. even through if you live in California like me a storm has already come to pass and it is going to be a bit gloomy for a few days.found my glasses. okay so anyway. i have been feeling like severely romantically starved like I have become obsessed with like true love tarot readings and love horoscopes and shit like something will actually happen but nothing seems to be happening accept for the tarot readings telling me to go out and socialize and maybe you'll find someone worth your time. and i'm like "Oh fucking really? I could've told myself this bullshit instead of wasting data and battery." and the only options i have at the moment is the hot meat guy at my job and this military kid that hs been texting me on and off for a while but at the same time I see no real future with either options because the military one has fuck boy tendencies and the meat guy would get me fired if I actually ended up fucking him because my job has like this strict sexual harrassment thing.but I feel empty like there is a part of me out there missing and It fucks with me on  a cellular level. Like all I want right now is for someone to look at me the way Robert Pattinson looks at FKA twigs in the met gala photos DO YOU FUCKING SEE ALL THAT RAW ADORATION???? I mean jesus christ I hate hearing that bullshit when people are like "you have to love yourself first then love will come" because i love myself more than anyone ever could to where it is boardering on Kanye west self obsession, and this has been a long dry spring bordering on an even dryer summer. and i know some of you out there are like damn she's thirsty or damn she needs to worry about her career and going to school because she's too young for this shit. well first off FUCK YOU you can still be strongly sexually and romantically oriented and pursue a career like I want to be an ESL or kindergarten teacher. I know that shit now and I know I can still do all the other stuff I saw myself doing if I go back to school in my 20's. and second of all I cant control these feelings it's not like I can turn them off. love and sex is as natural as food and drink just not everyone gets to have them. ANd I have wished for most of my life that I could shut these feelings down, that I could bury this part of me and become a robot.i wished that i could live asexually instead of constantly being a lusty monster craving love, adoration, and constant affections. that's another reason why my relationship fell apart because my greedy neediness and always wanting the attention and touch of my previous partner. but I cant help it, it's like I am addicted to touch and without it i start to go into this weird withdrawl. there is no shutting it down and turning off the power switch. there is no "just don't think about it." there is no dont crave the slightest touch of someone who loves you. there is no cure.  
  there is no cure for hope, there is no cure for endless love. there is no cure for dreaming that one day there will be someone to give it too me without complication. like I have this scenario in my head that I will meet that person and time will slow down and everything will fall into place.everyone has someone that makes the world stop for them. Frida Khalo had Diego Rivera, Scarlet O'hara had Rhett Butler. There is that one person that makes a home in your soul and wouldn't ever leave, no matter the circumstances and I refuse to give that up.There is someone who will break all this boredom and monotony. there is a great love out there. there has to be.

Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be

Curse of the Swamp witch.

so lets begin a story about the ridiculous attrocity that i have begun to call a love life or lack there of. I am still begrudgingly single and the prospects that i do end up having strong feelings for are less then great.the loneliness of small town Tujunga is violently depressing and the sadness seeps into my bones.hope is the cruelest tool of all. the hope to leave. the hope to escape this Purgatory, the hope to love and be loved. the hope for friends who don't just use me as a free therapist. my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference.  and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except  how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.

Chapter 19:Garbage Pig People From Outer Space

Do you ever feel like your mood is going to ruin the rest of your day? Like this seething bubble of hatred is making it impossible to smile in people's faces and pretend that you care about their needs meanwhile you are basically a pimple on the ass of their day because the Customer is always right.customer service is kind of a drag because you get to see people's true nature. some people are kind and polite and gentle little cinnamon buns and the rest are garbage pig people. they leave trash everywhere, they make you feel stupid if you don't do things their way, men while expecting you to smile and nod like some sort of Android.   But other than that I'm just really happy having a job even though I want to move away still and live on my college campus but I can just take some classes and just commute. I really don't want to but i always end up getting into an argument with my mom about how I supposedly think that I am better than everyone else because I don't like taking the bus. when the real problem is I have no sense of direction and I would feel safer and more comfortable driving. I feel like my mom keeps making excuses to not let me move forward like this giant anchor holding down a ship. she wont show me how to drive, she makes excuses, she gets defensive when I talk about moving out. it's super fucking difficult.

 I went to this school in Santa Monica for a tour and I want to move out there and go to school out there and it would make my life so much easier, but I still have to take into consideration the cost of living, getting a job out there, dealing with my current job, paying for school getting a car ect ect ect. it just piles up and I get no fucking help i just get my ideas criticized. And on top of that I have been talking to this guy on base in North Carolina and he keeps bringing up me going out there to visit him and i caved and told him I would but I would have to calculate air fare cost of a room and all this other stuff that my skinny black ass cant afford, and I don't have any time off from my job because I don't have any seniority I tried to bring up him coming to see me instead but he had a shit ton of excuses. so basically I don't see this heading anywhere but I like him and I like talking to him but at the same time it;s super fucking inconvenient for me. I have all of these options to escape and none of he funds or the time to do it. This job is stealing my soul. I'm so mad Because he is like everything i had ever wanted in a guy. He's tall and goofy and he likes breakfast foods and he can cook. he talks shit and gets on my nerves he's just so fucking great.He's sweet, kind, honest, and he works super hard. he's a lot less aggressive than I am but then again who isn't? he's like Captain American to my Tony Stark.
And I cant go see him or touch him or do the sexy because he's in Fucking North Carolina and I'm stuck in the meth capital of Southern California bagging groceries for garbage pig people. It's like I have so many escape routes and options that i am over whelmed so i will end up stuck in the physical equivalent of purgatory until the day I die because I didn't take any risks and I played it safe like a little bitch.I try to stay positive I try to say to myself "Jade, by the end of this year it'll be totally different you can quit this job and go to school and sort everything out, and once you're in school you can visit captain america on your vacations and touch his cute little butt and kiss his face all you want just hold out 'til the end of the year." I still feel like a late bloomer. Like i'll be thirty by the time i graduate College and i will be behind on my life plan to be a kick ass graphic designer/ comic book author/ author and I will live in Hawaii and raise tiny fat baby tea cup pigs and on a little plot of land with my cute sexy hot live in boyfriend and everything will go according to plan.  and maybe some puppies too.

#No Filter

do you ever have that one person you like to talk to so much that you just say whatever comes to mind even if it might be like inappropriate? that person happens to be miles away in a base camp and I can't afford to go see him in person..And like i really like this guy, i even look at his horoscope stuff. I feel weird because I don't really believe in long distance relationships because they always fail. or you end up moving to another state and having to start all the way over. Even though I could really use a fresh start more than anything in the world.I mean I feel like a stereotypical rom com. just a girl from a small town who needs a fresh start.but i dont even know what i'm doing, I have no real direction, i'm just a lazy ass hole with a blog and above average self esteem, and a great sense of humor.i have a school tour scheduled for saturday morning and i am excited about that because i know for a fact that I don't want to be stuck working in customer service well into my fourties. i mean all my older co-workers always warn me like this place is quick sand and there is no real way out. come to find out season one of Sons Of Anarchy was shot here, now i understand why i get this feeling because it basically is Charming. 

 or Maybe i'm just really close to my period and i'm starting to feel trapped again as usual before my like once a month cry. Maybe i should do something stupid like run off just to hang out with some guy. lol hahahaahahah no i wouldnt do that because guys dont really last with me. i feel like a venus fly trap. they like me and they care for like a few months and then its like "Oh no, you are too agressive." "oh no you like to talk about my feelings." "oh no you dont like my faggy friends blah blah blah,you want to hang out with me and not spend money and just talk!? why do we always have to talk i could just spend some money on you and then stick my peen inside of one of your holes and not talk to you in a month or so.All i want to do is buy some dark lipstick and be sure about my goals and feelings and not be worried about if people are going to continue to like me after they get to know everythiung about me. i mean i tell almost everyone almost everything about me but then they leave because i am too much. I guess I'm just projecting my former insecurities and i should let loose and be a fun cool crazy girl and go do whatever and not care about the consequences. i feel so old. nothing is fun i am just this old boring old weenie.

Chapter 18:The Ghost Queen

often times I don't feel real, often times I don't know what to write about on this blog or in anything else. I am still very lonely but I must have faith that it can't rain all the time. I wish I wasn't real I wish I was the queen of a race of wild people and I didn't have to go to college or Art school, ii feel selfish because all i do on this blog is talk about myself and my bullshit problems, how my love life is going, or not going. right now it feels like its not going at all. I mean I deserve a good fuck and someone to eat breakfast with. it's funny when i felt like I didn't deserve love it came freely from almost everyone. when I didn't know what i wanted all the options were open. All I can think of is how people say these bullshit Hallmark lines when you are going through a dry spell."you'll find love when you stop looking for it." or "love comes when you least expect it." or even. "no one will love you if you don't love yourself." the last one i can tell you for a fact is not true, because only when i did not love myself was the option of romance open to me, when i was sad and insecure i had the most affection, now that I love myself I have never felt so alone. Now that i am stronger, now that i am aware of what i am worth no one is here. I have no one to share myself with. I'm bored with myself, always being enthralled with my own thoughts, whisping through other people's lives, not really existing, not really being non-existant.i feel like a tourist. weaving other people's dreams and memories, not really having any of my own that are actually worth anything. All i wanted was to be in love. I am not a good feminist icon or even a strong independent woman. i am disappointed in myself for having such a ridiculous obsession with love and being loved.  I've been feeling less like princess Tiana and more like Lotte.I feel like giving up the hope that there is more out there and I don't need to be sad or regret any of the decisions I have made. some times I'm afraid that my pride is stronger than my need to be loved and I'd rather die lonely and unfulfilled than to crawl back on my belly to the past simply for companionship. But the same can be said for others. So I should get used to this feeling and continue on being a proud lonely bitch.  i wish i could just run away and be ferell. everyone else can ditch their responsibilities except for me. my father gave up being a father, friends of mine are taken care of by their parents, living off of them. yet i am here working and writing and calling colleges, i know it'll pay off but i get so damn tired. I want to live free, I dont want to be botehred with bank statements and debts and financial aid. i hate everything, I hate registratin fees and i hate having to do it myself. I want to run off with some wonderful barbarian king and become a Goddess. this is all just me whining but right now because i have to work until 10 today, and deal with customers all day telling me how they want things and how ui need to do my job since they obviously all know what its like to start from the bottom of the barrel since i am dealing with middle aged white folks and elderly armenian people. wish me luck,

The Long Ass Ride

I have like zero fucking time for anything. I bought that fucking book The Longest Ride and I have no time to read it. but at the same time it's a little basic. the thing is it's so vanilla I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm  but like something drew me to read this like some fucking cosmic pull dragged my black ass to read this vanilla ice cream cone that the media is making into a movie. 

But I am a sucker and a bit of a romantic so I bought this shit, and I am going to see the movie and watch Scott Eastwood ride bulls for like an hour and some change, Cause I mean look at that face, him and his fine ass in tight cow boy jeans. hmph...cowboy jeans...anyway so I've been working a lot and I am still broke because I need to pay people money and save for a car, because walking to work makes my legs hurt and i already spend all day on my feet bagging people's crap and looking into their dead eyes while I fumble along with ready make mac n cheese and Greek yogurt. just kidding all the customers are actually really sweet and they make me feel like I am a grocery angel.  Every body is so fucking nice to me. and I have been winked at by like a thousand old men which is weird but its cute because i mean their close to death might as well let them wink and give me compliments.even though I'd rather have Scott Eastwood wink at me.  Oh my god! but yeah I like my job, but sometimes I get this horrible crawling fear that I will end up working there until I die and that i have to do something really really great with my life so I can rub it in the face of my ex boyfriend and my ex friends from high school. that's petty right? yeah I know, I'm not perfect and I know for a fact that I'm not mature. I just don't want to work at a hinky store for the rest of my life. it's weird I have a bunch of dreams and aspirations and I force myself to work really hard.I did some financial aid paper work and I decided on going to Community college and then Transferring to a UC then hopefully I'll get real feedback on my writtings. If I actually have time to write. and all the free time I get I don't want to write because I'm working on third drafts of old stories that I'm tired of because I've tried to submit them and I want to give up. It's just a steady spiral into bullshit and writers block Oh and Since I used a Cinderella gif, I wanted to let everyone know I cant wait until it comes out on DVD so I can watch it on repeat and pray for my prince that doesn't smoke a lot, respects his mom and has a job. fingers crossed lol. God knows it didn't work last time.

Chapter 17: Hi, I'm Jade and I'm super fucking insecure.

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Hate is a Strong Word {But I Really Really Really Don't Like You}

you ever have those spurts in time where you just feel angry? like something amidst the happy, bubble gum, heavy metal, pastel, playground of your mind something , something terrible was awaken? stirred up from its peaceful slumber? i call her vira.and vira is 600 pounds of fur and malevolent anger that builds and builds and builds until she erupts in my mind and i become hateful and vengeful and i want to shit talk and fight and start political debates. these debates could be about anything. it could be a response to that cute Latino guy at work trying to compliment your work ethic but instead saying "there needs to be more independent black women like you out there." bumping down his attractive points because now he sounds like a fuckboy, because little does he know that America is full of beautiful strong "independent" black women. and if i am the only one you've talked to in the span of the time you've been alive you need to diversify your circle or read a book mother fucker. other times Vira is exceptionally agitated is when she is told to calm down or to stop being so aggressive. especially by family members who completely devalue the affect of sharing your emotions and the cathartic release of pent up frustration through word of mouth. while those same family members continue to lose their own struggle against mental health because they don't want to "bother" anyone with their feelings or they don't want to talk about it because "no one understands them." wallowing in the same emo proverbial bullshit that they have been entrenched in since their early twenties. sometimes i get irritated when people ask me why i like to wear makeup and make it seem like the good thing to do is to not wear it holding it above you like its some bullshit prize to be "naturally beautiful." i feel like people hide behind stigma of makeup being used to hide flaws and assimilate into western bullshit beauty standards much like how i occasionally straighten my hair, which should be no bodies mother fucking business why i straighten it or how often i do it and i shouldn't be demonized because i am expressing the versatility of beautiful black hair. i can do what ever the fuck i want. god blessed me with this hair so i can do what ever i so please. i could fry it dye it, i could get locs , i could get a weave,. is that any one else's business? NO. should they have a say in it? FUCK NO. if I wnt opinions on how i look mother fucker I'll ask, I don't do this for other people. i do this for me. I have to wake up and look at me in the morning. I am my star player. i'm the real mvp in my own life. I don't need the approval of others as pertaining to my aesthetics. I could shave my head bald Right fucking now just because and i would still see myself as a beautiful bitch, because it's true. and no one can take that from me. I'm tired of guys and their bullshit about hair and make up. it's like "I don't want to hear about how you feel about black lipstick nigga. I didn't buy it because you wanted it. I don't complain about your hair nuts don't talk about my false eyelashes. i want to feel like an anime princess right now step the fuck off ol' crusty ass nigga." I don't have time dude. I really don't. I'm not living my life for other people, I'm just including them on the journey they don't have to be there. this isn't a what makes them happy party. I don't care if i get called out for having tattoos or piercing my nose, having natural hair, having processed hair. everything seems to be a contest over whats better for you and whats mainstream and what you should be doing. that just leaves people pissed off empty and insecure. and i hate the phrase independent black woman because i feel like its disingenuous. they don't really think I'm any different for working hard, they don't respect me and my goals, and those same people are going to turn around and ask if its okay to say nigga. I'm not down for that shit, i feel like its patronizing. its like someone pinching your cheeks and going "well aren't you an independent little black woman you think you're going to make a change in a patriarchal white male society oh that's cute here's a cookie." as they slap your ass and call you a red bone. its all dog shit man.its like i ended up being a stereotype by trying to fight stereotypes and it make me sick.  it's all sick. the whole fucking thing. sometimes I get really sad, because people make me so angry it hurts and it's always people that you're cool with and close too. strangers dont piss me off as muck as the people I fuck with

Chapter 16: Broke ass sexual chocolate.

I sort of have a job, i am waiting for a call today from my future boss and i got an email from this company that wants me to proof read company emails and shit. they'll pay me like $50 bucks to do something that a computer can do by its self. but I'm not going to pass up free money. any way i have been thinking of doing stand up for a little bit because I have a bunch of fucked up stories of my life that I feel like I could share for shits and giggles. my hair is growing out and i want to shave the sides again because I want to be a badass; iItold a friend of mine that i was going to clean up the sides and she was like "Nooo don't shave it you'll look like a boy." and i was like BITCH! you act like I haven't been old i look like a dyke with long hair as well. either way I have my hair with theses fucking foot ball player shoulders that i have i'm going to look butch, its a fucking given, I've played sports all my life so I have a weird square body and a girly face. if anything I look like a gay man I don't need your approval to shave my head so i can look like storm from the X-men comics. but at the same time I don't own a set of clippers so I cant do it myself and there are no reputable black stylists in Tujunga. so i'm going to have to wait until I can buy a pair of clippers myself. but any way my Ex's mom set me up with this house sitting gig so i'm working three jobs like a Jamaican .but to be honest i have no idea what I am doing in life I'm just trying to save enough money so I can get my drivers licence and a car before the end of this year.I'm doing pretty well in the productivity sphere. and I have been working on my books so I can try to publish them again. the thing is sometimes I just don't feel inspired I feel like I have to write so people don't judge me for just sitting at home or going on walks. no one thinks I do enough of anything. I like writing but I feel like I am pressuring myself to publish so I can prove things to people. I keep hearing crap like my mom was talking to me one day about how her co-workers felt about me not going to college and I was like "are they going to pay my fuckin' tuition?" I'm not lazy and i'm not an idiot. I wasn't put in a position where everything would just be laid at my feet, I'm tired of feeling guilty that I'm not like everyone else. i mean at least i'm trying to go after one of my dreams instead of just going out and getting drunk or high or something like that. I mean the grossest thing I do is masterbate and that's fucking natural. I'm not like everyone else, this is my book my story my life. I don't want to feel like I'm spoiled because I'm not. I shop with my own money, the only thing I don't pay for is food and rent and like utilities and shit because I start working next week.by the time I start working then i'll pay for that but I want to be somebody and I want to rub it in people's faces. like no I didn't go to college, but i fucking made it anyway. it irks me because when I want to talk about my writing or my novels no one wants to listen to me, but I'm supposed to listen to everyone else when they want to talk about me going to art school or being a make up artist or going to community college. It still feels like my life isnt even mine, even though I'm supposed to take control over my life.

Chapter 15:Social Misfit.

So today I'd gotten ready for a date with a tinder match, turns out the distance between us hindered that date from happening, the thing is I have another date on Friday but I ran out of money online shopping like an asshole. and after that next weekend I will be visiting my estranged uncle who is now living somewhere in Santa Barbara with his wildly attractive life partner. I feel like i am dating myself right now, since i'm sitting at Starbucks nursing a water and trying to spy on this guy a few tables a head of me who is watching Tyler the Creator music videos. I had made eye contact with him more than twice so in my head that means "Take em down to flavor town." and there is a mildly homeless looking man staring at me , the cute guy is doing stretches , who the fuck does stretches at Starbucks, somebody who wants the Jade. he needs to hit on me right now i'm fucking serious . but anyway i'm sitting here waiting for the last minute cancellation so I can go about being a trollop. But in all seriousness my social anxiety is hoping that he doesn't show up so I can be left alone. And there is this old guy that looks like a beat up old version of my ex, hanging out with this Asian chick and it cracks me up because that's probably exactly what he's going to look like in the next 10-20 years if not now. but i'm sort of being a mischievous little shit right now smiling like an idiot because no one knows what I am doing and I'm sitting here blogging and cracking myself up in this cold ass Starbucks. All i could afford was a fucking chocolate cookie so now I have tummy bubbles . I'm so fucking worried about this date. I didn't drive to the Starbucks I walked so the whole leaving situation would be a little weird unless i wait a while after he leaves to leave. I drank my water and ate my cookie already,
I'm stressed the fuck out right now, and I have to pee. like what if he thinks I'm a scrub because I'm broke and I walked to the fucking date like a hippie douche. everything is so complicated. what would make things more complicated would be if he found my blog. but that's a different story. I don't think anyone i see in the future should ever see this to be honest. I mean it's this weird platform where all I do is talk shit about life and dating and my ex boyfriend, while I pretend to be a functioning member of society in my off time. I mean I'm not even a successful blogger I'm just a punk kid with a key board and too many opinions. this is all bad, but luckily it'll be a short date and he wont be staying long enough to figure out that i'm a carless weirdo. even though I'm very lazy and I don't really want to walk back home.the struggle is too fucking real for me right now. I'm super fucking anxious. this is what my ass gets for fucking with tinder. I could've waited until something happened organically instead of being a thirsty bitch. but noooooooo. any way he's supposed to show up in about 30 minutes because life likes to fuck with me all the time.

A Series of Fortunate and Unfortunate Events.

have you ever tried to do something; regardless of what it is and it keeps backfiring? like i was trying to get in contact with a local beauty school today because i had an appointment and every time i tried to cal in regards to that appointment my phone would either A) lose connection or B) whoever was on the other line wouldn't answer. so I did a brief amount of shopping bought a skirt & a couple tops trying to migrate into spring fashions and when i get home i try to call them again. I call a few times. they hang up. then they finally call me back and what happens? my phone loses signal. I'm sitting here like this is a divine sign from the deities not to go to this school. so I'm over here eating fucking mac n cheese like a ten year old talking to myself like what is the master plan? what is the end game? where is the universe trying to lead me? and what is the universe's deal with beauty schools? I mean shit i fucked up my senior year, it's easy and I wont have to go to community college, i wont be sitting on the couch being a slovenly little shit. what am I supposed to do? what career am I meant to pursue. I have been trying my hand in practically everything from house keeping to finiances and nothing is sticking. like I don't know what I want to do but I know the woman I want to become and I'm not going to become that bitch being the manager of a smart and final.I don't feel like I;ve found my nitch yet, all i feel like doing is making quick cash so i can blow off some steam at forever 21, in the shoe department. i feel really lost, and I've been too proud to admit it, I feel lost and afraid and worried about what i should do and where i should go. i keep trying to give my burdens to god and just enjoy the ride , but im so used to micromanaging i stress myself out. i feel like my whole life is this swaying in the balance of being stressed and excited all at the same time. I've put so much pressure on myself, pushing myself to succeed at anything and everything even if I don't care that much about it. and I'm worried because I started talking about going on a date or something with this one guy but I don't want him to see where I live because i'm in this shitty apartment complex in Sunland and i'm getting tired of people asking me what I do or where I go to school because none of my plans work out even though I've been actively looking for schools, scholarships, internships, volunteer programs. anything that'll give me some kind of purpose so i dont feel like one of those girls that has a catatonic breakdown after a break up. I mean like when Goat Man turned into the nameless one, i was looking for any excuse to leave and be dramatic and never return until i was like hot and successful like in a fucking Nicholas Sparks movie. but it seems liuke the holy most high has different plans because i'm still here in my home town not having any adventure being a trollop on tinder like it's a sport. I dont feel acomplished, I dont feel like I'm going anywhere after highschool. the sad thing is for me being a stripper is more likely going to happen than me owning a company because i cant make up my damn mind., Everything is all jumbled up and I'm confused and scared as per usual. The only thing that makes any real sense to me is writing but I'm not raking in J.K Rowling's type money right now and evryone around me makes me feel like the bum on the couch. Maybe I should just revel in what i know that I'm good at instead of trying to be someone & something that I'm not.

Chapter 15 :Batshit

It took me a while to understand that i was actually bat shit crazy. I mean who else would skip out on going to college to become a writer? who else would painstakingly create characters and dialogue and a reason for an imaginary world to exist? who else would remain hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't want them? who else would believe in horoscopes and tarot cards as well as the one true god? this girl right here. who else wants to go against the grain and change their family legacy?  if that means that i am crazy i want to stay this way. i would rather be crazy than weak and boring. I mean to everyone that's ever been called crazy or feels like they are nuts. even to the people who feel like they are too wild and too ridicluos to be loved or to have someone that's on the same wave length as them. I'm sorry to say this but you wont find them, ever. you will never find yourself in another human being. you will find parts of yourself, you will find someone similar. but you will never have someone match your intensity. you will meet people who are close enough or good enough but you'll never find another you. do not get disappointed when someone you like, love, or even related to tells you you;re out of control, or abnormal, or weird. you don't have to fight it you probably are being out of control at that moment. but know that you are still okay. you are still worth love and affection. you are working on it, you're getting better. Any one who tells you you arent better is an asshole and they can go fuck themselves if someone you care about leaves you or you have to leave them, neither of you is the villain or the hero. you are both neutral entities even if you did tell them that they were a hypocritical narcissistic sociopathological asshole. there are no bad guys and no good guys.there are people you agree with and disagree with. if you see it that way instead of like a marvel movie life will be smoother. feeling crazy isn't bad.it's not easy, its difficult, it'll make you want to stop living every time you feel out of control, but it's fun, and exciting, and when it's good its damn good.stop trying to be less insane. "seldom do well behaved women make history."