Fucking Aquarius

There's something I've always wanted to be ever since I was a little girl besides being loved romantically, I've wanted to be like a Queen B. I wanted to be so hot and feared. I wanted to be the stereo-typically gorgeous bombshell that left bodies in their wake. that's all I've wanted more than anything. I used to feel like if i was that person my life would be smoother. but no matter what mask i wear i'm still going to be the same person, spiteful, insecure, wary, those emotions surfaced recently being in a weird emotional situation with someone i used to care about deeply. it's like they amplified the feelings of being lost, lonely, unwanted, unnecessary, undateable. I feel it every time i hear their name or see them or talk to them via text it just feels hopeless. and i have this nagging to just cut out and run from them, I'm just confused and scared and I'm still that chubby little girl with a mountain of hair and big glasses scuttling along undetected. like she'll never die until i kill her myself. It trips me out because I used to think "man i could never lose this person they're like my right arm i need them i adore them." but at this point I dread hearing from them, I don't want to be in any kind of social setting with them, I wish to disappear from them completely.

There is another part of me that is just angry. I'm angry that I let them in, I'm angry that I lowered my standards and my guard. I'm angry that this happened in the first place, I don't like that they got that close but thank god they've never seen me cry. I want them to feel everything that they've made me feel. All of it no chaser, the insecurity the self doubt the confusion the lost lonely unwanted feeling. I want tthem to see what they've done and how it hurt me. I want the realization i want to see it. i dont want the half assed "im sorry you felt this way." apology that I got. I want the "i'm sorry fro everything." this whole thing just makes me feel ugly. I haven't felt ugly since the 6th grade when i was a 180 pound fucking 5'5 wad of acne wearing my dads clothes to school. Currently I'm like 140/150 and 5'8 but I still feel the need to be skinnier. I feel like my face isn't as nice as i thought it was even though my skin cleared up so drastically. I had a night mare the other night about going on a date and the person wasnt into me so we ended up going to a speed dating club. we separated and they found someone they wanted to talk to but i couldn't find anyone. I ended up meeting a group of girls who ended up heckling me out of the club saying things like "oh how funny the ugly duckling really thought she turned into a swan." as i cried out of the club.

 I feel like thats true. The ugly duckling really didn't change. no matter how thin I get or how much makeup i wear its still going to be in there that little girl who got teased and pushed around by boys while the pretty girls got love notes on their desks. I dont know it's just been such a blow and I am still trying to recover and usually i point the energy inward like "how can I prevent something like this from happening again?" "how can i avoid having my heart broken?" "how can I deal with non shitty guys who are actually going to date me instead of fucking with my feelings and treating me like a girlfriend before they puss out and treat it like it was all in my head?" It's like they're always afraid of me like I'm some medusa some monster in a crevice some where. I'm so hurt, a lot of the time i have to shove it down so i dont look crazy so I continue to be cool Jade, Jade the cool girl who doesn't let her emotions get the best of her like other girls. Jade's cool not like them they're crazy. well I've got news for you Jade's CRazy and she represses her emotions because if you saw what was in this bag you'd run away/ But what good does being cool jade actually do ? when you'd be perfect for someone and they ride you into the ground and then you try to distance yourself and they show up again. coming back with the "when are we going to hang out?" text at 11pm
Like dude probably never, ou kicked my heart in the cudder and now you want to go back to everything like it's all peachy and i have no consequences for my shitty actions and fucking with people's feelings because i like attention is just something i do this is just who i am you cant be mad at me yadadadadadada like no YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT AND WRITE IT OFF LIKE IT'S A PERSONALITY QUIRK. I'm done, I'm not here for it and I'm not here for torturing myself. fucking playing songs for me about secret boyfriends and calling me out for keeping you a secret then playing it off like a joke and running away with your tail tucked in-between your legs when I out my feelings FUCK YOU ENTIRELY. If this was another person and I told them this happened to me they would be like wow what a dick but since its you I have to fucking swallow it up like an asshole. I keep running into assholes who are too scared to love me. fucking dicks running around trying me out for a spin and running away when they know they cant fucking handle it. you shouldnt have given it a test run YOU FUCK. then sending me a 5 page bullshit letter about how you didnt mean for it to be this way because you thought i was playing. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING AND YOU GOT SCARED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO REAL! you can eat all of my ass my entire ass and I HATE YOU. I wish i said no when you asked for my number. I wish I never let you in. I wish it never got this far. I should've listened to my mom. Everyone thought we ere dating because of the shit you would pull, hell i even thought we were going to date because of that bullshit but no you puss out because fuckign reasons and if i leave you YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASSHOLE if i leave you're going to play victim and be like 'she only wanted me for herself not because she cared about me.' 'she wasn't a real friend.' or blame it on yourself your physical form when its not even about that it's because you're a poisonous emotionally crippled monster and you drudge up negative feelings that i tried to bury a long time ago SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. like you make me crazy like sometimes i even feel like blaming myself like maybe it was me maybe i was ignoring some signs that it was one sided NOOP because you'd give both. youd go from NO to YES then settle in maybe and continue to fuck with me. fuck you for that. I'm a simple motherfucker, i operate on very basic levels. I don't do well with mixed signals because they mix up my emotions. BLACK AND WHITE RED AND BLUE simple clean cut fucking signals and you live in a fucking vat of grey paint because you're an artsy hipster piece of shit and you just fucking suck you just do shitty shitty bullshit. and fuck you for that all of it!

{Black}Girl Interupted

So I haven't been on in a while cause shit has really been hitting the fan. I've been looking for another job because working in Grocery isn't my jam. Like I was seconds away from going postal. there was only so much I could take in that industry like everyone was unhappy, pay and hours were getting cut left and right it was so messy. But besides that dealing with my mom was becoming more and more unbearable. In addition to that my depression had spiked to the point of noticeable symptoms, but I feel like no matter how hard it gets or how sad I am I can never catch a break. I hardly get any help at home with chores or food or anything domestic. I cant even ask for the money my dad sends me without there being some sort of argument even though it's technically my cash and I don't know where it goes cause whenever I ask about it there's this 1950's "Don't ask me about my business." shit that my mom likes to pull. I really get tired of this shit like I don't need to be this tired. and my mom likes to pull this "you're gonna take care of me one day right?" bull shit even though she hasn't been taking care of me since I turned 13. I've been taking care of her and dealing with being put through the emotional ringer. my main goal now is to be able to take care of myself because everything is such a mess like I cant see straight.

Like I have this fantasy right where I can live on my own in my own little apartment and pay my own rent, there's nobody there to lord anything over me, nobody there to make me feel like I need them to survive. It's just me, making breakfast in my underwear, mildly drunk off of mimosas with curlers in and maybe legally blonde, or sex and the city marathons playing in the background. Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe just me. it doesn't matter but i am content and safe and alone in my home writing or selling art doing something I love.Mostly not being sad is my goal. I want a fairytale ending, like I dug my way out of the sadness and on the other side is a partner, a home, loyal loving best friends, and everyone is happy with each other. I don't want to belong to her anymore. I want my freedom. there is no reason for me to live like a slave. There's no reason for me to be on the mercy of someone else who has more money than I do, and as God and the internet as my witness I will never be anyone's pet not now, not ever.

Life

I've been doing a lot of thinking in circles to the point where people are tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again. the truth is a lot of what I've been going through seems to have catapulted my character development. I'm sad a lot of the time. mostly do to loneliness, some days i feel like I can't trust my emotions some days i want to be the most fabulous, the bell of the ball, but I feel anchored and not in the good way. I feel like my friends well my ONe friend in particular makes me feel bogged down and tired, ever since i welcomed her back into my life everything has sort of gone side ways. not saying i didn't have a lot of fun, but it's gotten to the point where listening to her talk makes me angry, her pitch makes me sad, when she talks about things i am immediately withdrawing back into myself. I cant leave totally. I wanted to make it right since she had blamed me for our separation the first time, but that wasn't my fault and she knows it, she just wants to eat away at me until i can absolve her guilt.

Im sad that one of the binding threads of our  friendship was her older sibling I  had felt more kindred to them then to her BUT that relationship is ruined since i revealed my feelings to them and they turned me away like a leper and then proceeded to stop talking to me as well as hanging out with me. I had felt more kindred with them since before the first time we stopped talking. However it plagues me with guilt to be just another person that abandons her. But at the same time I am only responsible for my emotional needs and so far no matter how often she whines about us fixing our friendship or her changing to make it better it always lulls into the same pattern of her being selfish and needy and clinging onto me like a child clings onto their mother's apron. I feel overwhelmed when I am with her and not int the good way. usually in the I need a beer and a nap way. she jammers on about herself and her family and her books and shows and her feelings and needs and expectations without ever seeming to have the time to listen to mine, waiting to speak, asking how i am doing as a pure courteshy.Our friendship has been built off of enabling and toxicity.

I'm tired of being nice cool jade and letting things go when i really need to let her go. I keep hearing people tell me that i need to make new friends and i know they're right, i'm just too scared and lazy to put in the work. I have become comfortable in my poisonous routine. i know i have to move on but i want the universe to do it for me instead of having to actually say anything. I dont want to be held responsible for this not workign or not being a good friend. some days she's the best friend i could have had other days i feel sorry for her, my mood is shot in the face and i am lulling to sleep while she talks. i wish the gods would just make this all go away. fastforward me another like 6 years so I can meet the right people and go to events and never feel the immediate buzz kill of some obnoxious clingy child that freaks out whenever something goes wrong. It is almost manipulative. 

Salty Hoe

I"m mad as the fuck. I've been mad for maybe a week or so. I don't even feel like myself I just feel spiteful and grouchy. I don't want to hang out with my friends like I feel like their warranty has ran out because it doesn't feel like anything changed. they hurt my feelings and then like proceed to gloss over everything and act all extra nice like nothing happened. Like everything is back to normal but it's not it's all weird and shady and I don't feel right hanging out with them because they are both dramatic bitches that blow everything out of proportion and I don't know how to not be angry, like I'm on a mild simmer all day because I'm so fucking livid at Star and her Brother S. like they've put me through the ringer and like they act all cool about it and then proceed to treat me like I'm crazy when i bring up my saltiness toward them. I'm supposed to go with them to their little sister's graduation this Friday but I don't think I can stand being in the same car with him, or just being close to him period without wanting to be dead. Like no matter how good I look or how Godly I am he makes me feel human and I don't want to feel human. I want to feel otherworldly and vaguely threatening. It sort of stresses me out thinking about him because my brain reels over the signals I thought he was giving out like; holding my hand during movies, staying at my house until like 3 in the morning, smackin' my ass, bringing up innuendos. its hard for me to not get kind of angry because i feel stupid. I put myself out there and got shot down, that was enough to hurt my pride then his sister made it about herself when I didn't want to talk to him for a few days making it about herself and forcing me to talk to him prematurely and then making me feel dumb for wanting to be left alone and then getting into my face with vengeance now that we're sociable again. not only that she would guilt me into talking to him by telling me how much he misses me or how much he wants to talk to me meanwhile I've been crying back to back for three days straight and you expect me to be cool about it. there is no way i can be cool about it. I'm mad, I'm angry with him mostly for making me feel like there was something when there was nothing because even one of our mutual friends saw us together and my mom thought we were dating. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. there is no way to handle it gracefully. I feel like I need to just take a step back because i really value the friendships I've built but I'm too angry, too bothered and I feel like they both fucked with my head way too much the past like 6 months and I really cant handle all of the fuckery. I really want to fix shit but I know she's a hot fucking mess and everything can just be kind of given away to the wind. Same with him. there's no reason to stay pissy but there is a part of me that isnt going to trust them very much from this point onward. Like beyonce and lady gaga said in telephone "trust is like a mirror you can fix it if it's broke but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." and baby there is definitely a crack.

You've Gotta Be Fuckin kiddin

SO we had our 'Come To Jesus' talk and we're apparently dealing with this one by one because She came over to talk to me about my feelings. which really ended up being an 'i'm going to talk to you about my feelings and simultaneously blame you for these feelings." I'm glad it's over because i feel like it made more good to her than it did to me. Being all pissed off at me because I'm in my feelings. what the hell is wrong with her. I wish i never said anything. whenever i talk to people about how i'm feeling or how I've felt without it blowing up in my face because someone wants to understand my feelings or getting in further because i already talked about my insecurity. Sometimes when people get close they get two close and they try to chip at shit you've built over time.

I'm dreading talking to her brother this afternoon. I still feel like I'm a naughty kid getting a stern talking to by the EMOTIONALLY evolved adults about the "importance of feelings" to be completely honest it makes me want to throw up and die. this is still super uncomfortable and a lot of real intimate details of myself and what goes on in my head are supposed to stay up there. they arent fair game to other people just because they want to be chatty Kathy's all the damn time. I always feel guilty about my feelings, someone is always there making me feel dumb or awkward or insecure about them. I dont feel like they're valid, and i dont feel like they make sense most of the time i feel crazy. I feel like these feelings make me sound bat shit crazy expressing shit.
It dont help mush when you have someone trying to nit pick understand and explain everything

So What Had Happened Was

so long story short I disapeared for a while because of a deal of drama that i seemed to get myself into and we are going to have to start from the end and work my way backward. I told My best friend I had a crush on him a few weeks ago. got turned down, we haven't talked for two weeks. but now his sister has made it about herself and wedged herself in a very passive conflict succeeding to make it 1000x worse than it should be and now i feel like i'm being punished for liking him, like I've done a terrible evil, or some kind of crime resulting in some weird intervention like me having affection toward someone is offensive. It makes me feel sort of like I'm a gross fuck for even expressing these feelings in the first place like what the fuck am i that terrible? Is the idea of me wanting someone that disgusting or vile. am I that repulsive? like did i miss the memo that i am a leper that doesn't get to show any type of liking toward anyone without warranting a slap on the wrist and me being shoved back into the animal cage i belong in. I feel so ashamed like I feel disgusting like I'm the worst person to walk the earth for having an innocent attraction for someone. I don't understand why I keep getting treated like I'm doing something wrong. 

I didn't choose to have a crush, i cant pin point when I'm going to like someone who they're going to be or how i'm going to act around them. I just wanted to say something so I didn't waste my time pining after someone I knew wasn't going to reciprocate my affection because they have other issues they have to deal with. this isn't my fault and I shouldn't be treated like some lecherous villain. I'm always getting treated like there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed because I want to date people. That's totally fucking normal and I'm not Medusa or anything I am deserving of human emotion and shit, I don't like the fact that I am being interrogated over the most heartbreaking moment in time and replaying it over and over again like this is an episode of fucking criminal minds, I didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't have to deal with this trash. if anything he should be flattered and feel blessed because I am a walking goddess but instead I am being called into the principal's office like a naughty child. I regret saying anything but at the same time it says more about the two of them than it does about me. I love everything and everyone most of the time unless i'm at work than that's a different story. it's been a really hard week for me because I have been avoiding dealing with this issue. which isnt really an issue for a normal person someone having a crush on them would warrant an "aww that's cute, thank you." instead of "we need to have a family meeting," 

it's fucking heart breaking that it comes to having to have a stern talking to and it makes me feel like I'm the cripple from '300', when in all seriousness i'd be more like Xerces. I dont understand why this is so appalling like how gross must you see me if this is the case? in his mind i must be some sort of gross spore instead of a sentient person deserving of any type of human contact if this is how i am treated.

Mala Vida Aesthetic

So apparently Prince's are real. Like I totally fan girled about him with my friends after work because I don't think I've ever seen someone so perfect. like I cant live. he was so pretty. he had dark hair with these pretty blonde highlights and an effortless like wavy curl to them that made him look like a surfer/skater which apparently is the aesthetic that I just melt for. he had the most amazing eyes like they were blue but with silver painted on the middle of the iris with these thick brown eyelashes and a little scruffy lost boy beard. Oh my god and don't get me started with his skin. it was comparable to molten caramel. he showed up at my job and my heart just about leapt out of my chest. and i  was sick today i had almost not come to work. but then i would have missed out on angelic mag-fucking-nificence.
I was a wreck like you know when you see someone and you're like "I hope to god that I see you again because you made glitter blossom in my heart and I don't know how to feel because I don't like feeling these types of feelings." and I freaked the fuck out because he was such a little daddy I died.  I hope to god I see him again. I didn't even learn his name. but like then again what the fuck would he want with a 19 y/o dickhead who doesn't even have a car. it doesn't matter he was a real live prince and I think I am going to have to take a few days to get over the shock. I didn't even know dudes that looked like that were real anymore. he was like Vic Fuentes and Avan Jogia fused into the ultimate babe.  
I'm noticing a lot about myself and like I have this weird weakness for alternative, skater, loiter squad dudes.like dudes that look like they play guitar and talk about over throwing the government. the same thing with chicks too though, like all the girls that I've thought were hot have that whole Tank Girl, skater vibe going on as well and I need to control myself. I guess it is my opposite because  grew up being the Sporty bitch from the conservative uber religious black christian family. I guess like  in a weird way I still am like the 'goody goody.' and i find myself drawn to like mischievous, pirate esque people all the time. like I'm lookin' for trouble hahaha. I sound ridiculous.

I really just want to see him again, like even if nothing happens I want to see his pretty face and freak out and be weird about it and then act like nothing happened. I'm pretty sure that was the father of my future children but y'know I could be wrong, A girl can dream though right? I'm always falling for people who could potentially ruin my shit. there is always that one special person that can just fuck yo whole damn life up and I'ma keep waiting for mine,
that mother fucker looks like how good coffee tastes and I'm still mad about it.

Young Black and Uncomfortable.

     
So like I'm watching this "Dear Fat People." shit because it's been showing up on my tumblr and I feel like I am basically watching a poor man's Jenna Marbles. She doesn't deserve all the attention that it's getting because she's a bit of a garbage can. "fat shaming isn't a thing." like transformers "there is more than meets the eye." with a situation such as Weight, and fat shaming. what was the point of this video being made? this isn't stopping obesity, this isn't promoting the habits that should be adopted instead this isn't a health channel, she's not a YouTube yoga/ fitness guru. she's just some mildly funny chick biting off the same Jenna Marble's shtick in order to get likes. People are always going to be different, that is why society hasn't crumbled because we are all built in a way that'd benefit future generations. even in the animal world there are variants in colors, shapes, sizes and abilities why is it that we expect to be the same?

    What right do we have to question nature?. we have to look the same as everyone else, but we also have to "be the innovator, the originator." yada yada yada it makes no fucking sense. Why is it that a species that cultivated the earth and ran civilizations cant get over the fact that there are different types in the species. Humans were not meant to be homogenous (having the same gene/characteristics) in appearance. Not once have I seen a dog not bark at another dog because that dog was too fat. in that dogs mind all he sees is a dog. the other dog is obviously different but its still a dog. so if someone is a fat person, or Overweight, or Pudgy or so have you why do they not get recognized as being a person. we have come up with so many ways to push other people away to alienate those of our species. What good does that do? its basically civil war. if you want to make a video shaming someone there should be a video made about shaming the food industry for hyper sexualizing gluttonous activities and shoving different Burger, Pizza, and Candy companies down our throat. blame media for not promoting healthy lifestyles until then 2010's or continuing to perpetuate standards of beauty which are almost obsolete and destructive to the collective psyche. promoting thin almost mal nourished male and female models to be objectified and praised as what beauty should be. but in reality the beauty should be practical fro the species to survive. muscular people, curvy people, thicker people. people who could defend themselves physically as the beauty standard. we seem to peer into other people's lives instead of minding our own business. instead of worrying about what fat people are doing with their diets maybe like start knitting, adopt a pet, learn a new language.
          
            Better yourself. and that goes for anyone who puts people down. anyone with a bully/mean girl mentality that is old enough to have a 40 hr a week , or 9-5 job should just worry about themselves. there is no problem with fat people. there is a problem with a-holes body-policing someone just because they were inconvenienced by the fat aesthetic.  there is so much to be done in the ways of body acceptance because even though different looking people have been around since time it's self humans cant seem to grasp that concept like babies with a lack of object permanencehttps://youtu.be/CXFgNhyP4-A
so watch the video think about it, comment. if you agree...eh. if you disagree also eh... as long as you follow comment or subscribe.
                                                 

YO BITCHES

So I haven't posted anything in a while and i really should be doing homework instead of this shit but I've had some things I needed to write out and get off my chest, so here we go. WARNING the tea will be especially hot today. moving on as you all know I have started school, and this is like the second week but one of my professors actually struck a chord with me. As you already know I have been floundering in this murky water called adult hood and I had no intentions of going to school. In fact I was hoping to run off with some weirdo and own a crafts store or some hipster shit like that. but I digress, she asked why we were here like what our reasons were. and I said I was going because my mom didn't want me to end up like her and so afterward she goes. :"so is anyone here for themselves? is anyone here not just because MOMMY said you need to go to school." and I just kind of sat there like WOW I am a sheep. I am going to school just because someone else told me to. but it wasn't just my mom pushing me to go to school. my coworkers at the store kept breathing down my neck about me going to college when they found out i was an artist. my uncles had been trying to coax me into going since i could hold a pencil, but other than hatred and spite toward men who shall remain nameless i had no real motivation. I want to be a writer, but I never looked too far into writing because everyone put my art on a pedestal. it's not even that great but since I'm the only one in my family that can actually draw more than geometric shapes they made a big deal out of it. My whole reason for being here is misguided hate. like "I hate these people so much i want to have a cool ass fucking career but the only way to get that career that i can rub in their smug fucking disapproving faces is by going to college." and you know what that isn't healthy but hatred is better than working out of infatuation. I do't have a noble cause. I am not working out of my love for someone else like Jay fucking Gatsby. I am working because of seething unquenchable hatred, blinding, red, flaming, volcanic hatred that ruminates in the dark little corners of my head. I feel like Batman in the Dark knight rises.Like all of the pain and bullshit and stupid horrible people I encounter everyday, the stupid horrible people that I used to love, all of them fuel this like raging inferno of hate and disgust that flames my ass in order for me to get a fucking bachelors and go to UCSB I have been hearing people ask WHY alot. Why are you doing this? what is your motivation, and for a long time I thought love would be my motivation. I loved someone so much all I wanted was for them to be proud of me. to see some kind of worth in what I was doing. But you know what the flames of complete and utter hate scorch the majestic rivers of love. now I don't give a fuck if they are proud or not. I want them to know what they missed. I want them to feel the jab in their side every time they see my name on the bookshelf of their favorite bookstore. I want them to squirm when they hear my name on the radio while they're on a drive with the person that they're fucking. I want to come up in the new releases tab on their kindle fire and make that pit in their stomach fucking enormous. I want to be the ghost haunting them in their sleep.   I don't want to be the love stuck knight or the hero a cause. I want to be the fucking villain.I know its super petty to do well based off of negative forces and karma is going to fuck me in the ass eventually, but I'm ready for that bitch honey, I'll be a power bottom for that bitch as long as I make it to the top. This is basically for everyone; My shitty insane boss, my delinquent father and the rest of his ass backwards family, star, he who shall not be named. everyone, there is a list honey, trust. yo girl is one petty spiteful bitch. I know god don't like ugly but ugly feelings get the job done. The funny part about this is I thought I had to grow up. I thought I had to stop being petty and childish and take all this fuckery like a lady to not come across as "crazy," or not to be "that girl" but being that girl is so fucking fun. so fun. being a bitch is fun, being sarcastic is fun, being petty gets work done, being a sexual deviant is fun.I don't have to "behave" for anybody. I can be as fucked up and raw and gritty as I fucking want to.

The Universe Needs To Get The Fuck Up Out My Face

Sorry I havent posted in a while, i actually started school! yay me getting my life together and shit. turns out i was really meant for school. I don't know it makes me happy like I feel fulfilled going. But I am noticing more and more that i am becoming this like hyper feminine Ziggy Star Dust communist witch. I am kinda digging that. what I am not digging are these weird signs from the universe. Don't get me wrong i adore the universe and all its weird but when it comes to my lacking love life I don't want signs, I want to get hit in the face with a mac- truck that looks like Shia Labeouf. personally I am as subtle as a shot gun, so why must signs be so damn drawn out and cryptic. I don't know if its Real Miko or Period Miko but either way i am pretty mad. there have been small things like an influx in white butterflies in the area which signify change soon to come or already done. I have still been seeing heart shapes literally everywhere I go. I shit you not the other day at work this lady had a heart shaped splotch on her titty. I almost went home I swear to God. Like if it has something to say it needs to say it to my fucking face instead of giving me all these dreams and metaphysical diddles. but like right now i feel like its laughing it's ass off like "bitch if only you knew what was in store, you'd shit your pants." if thats the case then nevermind everything i just said. but I really do want something sort of sexy and really cool to happen, preferably not with any one i work with. unless it's the cute night shift starbucks guy cause he looks like Prince Eric from the little mermaid and that oddly turns me on.my birthday is coming up soon! I have survived nineteen years in this body even through dealing with depression and anxiety. SUCK IT! i'm getting my nose pierced and ordering Pineapple peperoni pizza and sea salt ice cream and no one can fucking stop me. I gotta go to work though. Catch ya later nerds. I am out. SHibby.!!!

BLACK KIDS AREN'T PETTING ZOOS

so this thing happened at work and I couldn't do anything because i was working and i have to smile in these fake pig people's faces all the time. there was this kid like 15 feet away from me and he looked mixed or light skinned but he had non-black white passing friends and the kid had this pretty healthy little fro right and these little monster babies are fondling him and prodding him like he is a baby sheep and he just looks miseable like his soul is deflating as they prod and molest his little baby crown. and i had this gut feeling like i could feel the same thing he felt because I was that friend, that token black friend being poked at being examined like a frog on he dissection table.I was at the other side. I was the "how do you get your hair like that?" I was the "if i stick a pencil in your hair will it stay there?" or "can I touch your hair? it's so big!" that's uncool, uncomfortable and no body likes that shit. you don't see black people asking white people if we can touch their hair because they don't fucking want to. like looking in the face of that little pudding made me want to swoop in like fucking WONDERMIKO and shoo off the kids. Like dude furreal you guys are still on this "Let's fondle black people for kicks bullshit." we are not for your consumption dude. BACK THE FUCK UP. you cannot marvel at our features and then belittle those same features making the new black youth feel fetishized and unwanted at the same time. That's gross. but on another note I have started school and I am going mission college then i am transferring to Csun located in my home town of northridge CA but I have been thinking alot of old friends and people I otherwise no longer associate with and all of the people i have encountered in my life have an unhealthy view of black people. most of my friends have been WOC (women of color) either mexican or asian or native american or of mixed race and still these bitches often made it a point to confide in me their veiws on black men. by telling me they aren't attracted to them. first in foremost i can give negative to FUCKS about your relationship with black men. especially because their "nonattraction." is rooted in eurocentric ideals of beauty and attractiveness. second of all white dudes hold the record for sex related crimes and violence against women, and PA-LEASE don't come at me with that not all white guys shit. because the ones who aren't either racist trogladites, or sexually frustrated sociopaths, are obsessed with the EXOTIC. that means putting WOC on a pedestal based off of hypersexualized fetishized fantasies and notions of what it's like to date a {      } girl.  and it's fucking gross.you basically end up being sexy exotic furniture. I know from experience. But me personally I had never thought about who i was sexually attracted to in terms of race. everybody likes certain things; eye color, sense of humor, big dick, kindness, muscles ect ect. i had never sexually excluded anyone because I'm kind of a horny hyperromantic love starved fool who hopes for the fairytale ending which includes someone who cuddles me, touches my butt, and makes a mean breakfast. that's ALL I fucking looked for was love and acceptance and worship; not what racial criteria he had to meet. even though during my younger years i had a flavor of the month club mentality. but i was going through hormonal changes and i found many different types of men attractive. But to have people i care about and talk to look me in the face and tell me men of my culture aren't up to their fucking standards whilst they track pink dick like fucking military grade snipers is fucking beyond me. That's like me telling my lesbian friend i would never fall in love with a woman. Because I don't fucking know who my true love is yet. It could be a woman. she could be a fucking Mathematics major and she could turn out to be the love of my fucking life. My soulmate could be a Young black man who is studying temporarily at a community college before transferring to a HBUC who'd end up graduating subacumlaudy. My soulmate could fucking be some guy i met bagging groceries who's mixed.I am not going to limit my love to people because their culture or creed religion or background because if they eat pussy right and they know what to do when i;m sad or i've had a shitty day it doesn't fucking matter what their background is. what matters is that they treat you like a person instead of a mantle piece what matters is they don't make you feel like shit for not agreeing with them. as long as they are not abusive manipulative selfish people that's the fucking shit you need to worry about. not how dark they are or the history of struggle that their lineage had faced.  if anything you should hope for a black person to bless you with their presence. you're children will have the strength of survivors and mystics and heroes coursing through them. fuck people who are quick to say love is love, but correct it with "BUT I"M NOT REALLY INTO BLACK GUYS" because news flash bitch, black guys are like every other guy you've ever met. they play XBOX and talk shit to their friends and talk about boobs and ass and pussy and their crazy ex girlfriends. the only difference is they were built to withstand heat and struggle and probably have heard tons of people reject them based off of their beautiful skin. Being in an interracial relationship does not make you more special or more worthy than other black people and for my non black POC dating a black person does not make you less than, or belittle you, or mean you get an all access pass to appropriate black culture. what it does mean is that you're kids will be hot because they have african DNA and they'll have a better complexion then their nonblack counter part and you may have to actually learn about black people, black culture and black hair. WE ARE PEOPLE don't treat black people like some sort of alien race. just fucking don't. if you do I hope a hand in the shape of mine comes down from the sky and slaps the fucking shit out of you because you're being garbage.I fucking can't dude I just fucking can't . we live in a time where young black kids are being slaughtered like animals in record numbers and all your pretty little brain can think of is "I'm not into black guys, hey Miko is it true what they say about black dicks." GUESS WHAT BITCH I would;n't fucking know if it was true Because the last dick I saw was pink and ruined my life so don't ask me weird intrusive racial questions about black male genitalia. BEcause dick size is relative, just like the size of the labias and breasts we walk around with. ANd honestly do you think all black women simultaneously learn about black dick, or we all have to go look at eachothers parts to pass some ancient ritual. fuck outta here man that's so fucking icky.IF you are nonblack and friends with black people or dating black people don't subscribe to fucking stereotypes kid, educate yourselves and respect your peers. Don't be a fucking ass hat.

Strawberry Moon

Retrograde is going to be coming to an end on June 11th. however I have been having strange little occurrences. during the week i had noticed that there are hearts everywhere like everytime i cook or eat icecream even the cracks on my phone started to look like hearts it was freaking me out. like they were everywhere. Like I don't even know what is going on. I am single as fuck and all my friends are living their lives but i have this little job. no one bothers me. It's like I am getting danger Will Robinson warnings from the universe.like the spirit world is telling me all this calm happy fun time I have been spending alone is going to be abruptly interrupted but call me crazy I have been enjoying this character developement portion of my life.Being without friends and a lover is actually kind of awesome, I am not going to say I'm having the time of my life and that I dont need anyone. I like being in relationships and i like having friends but I can survive.Its like this calm content feeling Like when you eat just the right amount of food. I dont really feel like a person though, I feel like a gust of wind or an idea or a witch. I just enjoy living in this little world in my head. I know that I am weird and that it's going to be hard meeting people and having relationships, but it's supposed to be difficult if it's not difficult then it cant be right.I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense But it does kind of feel good to just have a general stream of consciousness. just write how you feel at the moment. right now I am just worried. I'm worried because whenever I get comfortable something changes. because now I am comfortable. I am comfortable with my job, with myself. everything is kind of just mellow. so I worry about losing my job, or losing the person I am becoming because I really like her. I like this person and I am a little upset that I cant share who I am blooming into with anyone. but I am also very satisfied because most women don't have this person until they've reached their forties. I keep losing this one lipstick though its called Creature by ColourPop cosmetics and I ordered it like twice and it kept disappearing. I want to order it again but at the same time I don't want to spend any money. I want to enjoy the birthday i have coming up soon but i have been stuffing away money for my escape. I am kind of tempted to give up because I can't get past 300 dollars and it's super frustrating. I am going to be starting school in august I am thinking of switching out the child development course for creative writing. creative writing would make sense.more sense than teaching.but at the same time I could take the child development course next semester. I'd make a better writer than a teacher anyway.But I am really excited. I am still holding out for the barbarian king to invade my land though, like even though everything is great and I am being all hot sexy and independent there needs to be some Jason Momoa looking Conqueror mother fucker coming to tune me up for the rest of my life. I am just putting it out there. they say that the strawberry moon is the one that makes all The things that you want happen. you never know I am just sort of a superstitious little bitch. having a slab of bbq red meat would be nice as well.

Chapter 23: Moving Forward In Retrograde

I am actually enrolled in school. it has taken me like thirty fucking years but I'm going to be a college girl!bad news I got two periods this month and it was accompanied by violent cramps causing me to miss work.But at the same time no one should make someone feel shitty over stuff that is out of control. like I don't know how to control that shit, if i could turn it off and never have it again I fucking would but i cant it happens every month and every month i loose like 10 pounds but oh no cant inconvenience other people with your "minor" health problems oh heavens no. fuck outta here with that noise bruh. I got a period a violent, mean, mother fucking war inside of my body where wolves fucking tear apart my inner uterean lining and fuck my whole shit up. not even refer calms that shit down. what kind of fucking monster cant be soothed by pot? I tried fucking everything. even soup! I was a fucking warrior I got dressed and everything but I have to walk to work, so i just sat there in my filth and sadness, and just gave the fuck up. like literally this is how it feels.. and I am the mother fucker being kicked down the fucking hole.that shit is Savage AF.But anyway I am just going to leave the uterus talk alone for a while and talk about how I chose child development to study in school but I don't think i am like responsible or appropriate enough to teach small children. I'm probably not even going to have my own kids. like I know I'm not having my own kids. I'm selfish and I sort of just want to rip my uterus out of my body and sell it, or donate it to someone who knows they are going to be a good parent.  I am not going to stop cmplaining about my period. i thought i would stop but fuck it. I can complain if I fucking want to. But like in all seriousness I would probably be a shitty parent because i am basically an obese child so there we go, a child raising a child. and it's funny when girls around my age are like "I don't want kids."  and then they go; with their pompous laughter. "bah ha ha; you're young YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL WOMEN WANT BAAAABIESSS." and then I am sitting there {on my broomstick} like "no that's not going to change boo boo." because it's not. like I hate kids but I don't want to ruin their fucking lives like there doesn't need to be someone walking this earth with all the baggage I supplied them, and I am super selfish and self absorbed like when I have to share money with family i turn into Smaug and hoard all my gold in like a dungeon. Like having a real job has turned me into a greedy bitch. i was already selfish but all the shit i have to deal with to get my tiny paycheck FAAAAWK you mean I have to share it. I don't even like spending it on shit I need.  But I really want to buy new clothes to y'know set up a cute little wardrobe for college and a new leather jacket. I've never had my own leather jacket and i want to sew on a patch on the back. I just want to be a rad kick ass bitch form hell. I'm going to get my nose pierced again soon so I can rock my septum and my little Tupac diamond stud. I am also thinking of letting my hair grow out again because it's healthy now like I chopped everything off and I'm growing it clean from scratch. everything is happening from scratch, I'm just this hatchling witch. It's great. I love it and retrograde hasn't been super shitty. Like no crazy things from my past have shown u on my doorstep dramatically, I haven't had any actual problems besides time management.I guess for someone who's life is usually a mess retrograde kind of puts things back in place.

Retrograde Day 2

I dont think i have ever actually cared about retrograde until this year because this is the first year that i have been like balls deep in magic and horoscopes and other shit. i havent gotten any profound life altering messages and i am seriously considering getting my septum pierced again because i had a lot of fun having my septum pierced. it made me feel really powerful; and fearsome. like i had an attitude and i was unfuckwithable. It could be like i was a mystic or some kind of war goddess in a past life and that makes me obsessed with war and body art and body modifications. It makes me feel like a goddamned boss. The tone of this blog is so differetn from the post i made this morning mostly because i vented all my frustrations with my mom today and it was so cleansing and cathartic. like we were on the same page for once, but i am going to have to make an appointment with my therapist George because my mom noticed signs of depression.and with that like alarms went off in my head because i had never experienced depression before or at least i was too dumb to see it. but recently i have been sluggish and apathetic, more moody than usual, wanting to sleep forever and always tired. and like my diet is crap because i just eat microwave meals and meat and candy. I'm surprised I havent died yet. I also realized I cant feed myself. like today i ate a burger and fries for breakfast but i walked to the burger place so that must be healthy. but like my bones hurt and i feel really agitated like everything just gets on my nerves and I am a mess.I cant pick a song to listen to I cant pick any good movies and the movies I do end up watching are movies that I can practicaly recite verbatum. i really need to watch my health, i am really worried about being diabetic so i keep like talking to my mom about it and she brushed me off so i think i'm just going to start eating salads and almonds and stuff so i wont be paranoid. i mean if no one is going to listen to me i might as well take my health into my own hands. even though alot of websites are like DONT MAKE MAJOR DECISIONS IN RETROGRADE but whats so bad about trying to be a healthy bitch. I could even reverse the effects. And when i get paranoid i drink this bitter root tea that tastes like old socks. I don't feel fatigued I just feel unmotivated, I go to the bathroom alot but thats because i drink like 8 waters a day since i am on that tumblr "stay hydrated" ban wagon. the vision shit is not much of a reliable thing because i have shitty eyesight anyway. but what does worry me is the pins and needles in my toes and somethimes my fingers, that freaks me out. but like after i do something healthy it goes away. i dont really eat alot of sugar. i cant even finish a pint of ice cream or a whole donut, which sucks. but like my health is super important to me even though i feel like i am going to die any second. I'm just sort of a wreck. I am all around concerned about everything, i cant go a minute with out being worried about something. it's exhausting.but I got retrograde goodies since the technology is supposed to be all wonky as well as everything else. I have new headphones a charger and this thing i can carry around that charges my phone for me. my phone started acting up a little because it was playing music out of no where but other than that every thing has been kosher. I spoke to my old friend again, it felt equally as awkward as it did the last time.but let by gones be bygones i guess. oh and sorry for no pictures i didnt really feel like looking for any. so y'all just gone have to read.

Lost girl

do you ever get that feeling that you're not at home even when you're in your own house? Like i dont know how to explain it but it's like I know this isnt where I am supposed to be. I know it sounds really crazy but it has felt that way for as long as I could remember like I was some kind of alien. it's like you get along fine with people but you dont really care about what they're talking about. You make small talk you go through the motions and you still come back feeling super empty and distant. I've never understood that feeling.  but there is a home somewhere I think. somewhere where i wont feel out of place and alien. there is a tribe, this is just a rough, lonely, boring patch thats all. I mean it cant be all gloom and doom forever. like I was upset earlier because I was watching a tutorial for the new mortal Kombat X and I was thinking how I would never be able to play any of those games because I couldn'fforthe Xbox one and now its on sale for $349.  and with that I could buy it after my next 3 pay checks and get Witcher and Mortal Kombat. so there was a solution to that dilemma, then there has to be a tribe like literally right around the corner. It could be right under my nose waiting for me to stumble into their arms. I think that's what everyone really wants. is to be somewhere where they know that they are comfortable and loved. just like there is an affordable video game waiting to be played. there's always something waiting for you to find it.  i guess my problem is it just dont know where to look

Chapter 22: Retrograde?

SO, from the 18th to june 11th mercury is going to be in retrograde. Now I believe in horoscopes and magic and shit so save your eyerolls and scoffs for someone else. the effects of retrograde consist of ; the reappearance of ex's, and old friends. Around this time people become forgetfull and they don't think really clearly however.the point of tonight's entry isn't to give you an astrology lesson, it's to give you some warnings as to where this post is headed. So tonight I woke up from a nap feeling kind of shitty y'know like i was in an air plane terminal on those moving sidewalks. and I was going through tumblr as I usually do and I felt a pang of loneliness. I had been feeling sort of like a fish out of water for the past month or so and i have been stuck in this nasty rut ever since I have started working. so I prayed. {lol funny because the last entry I said I wasn't going to pray or believe in magic, well jokes on you fuckers 'cause I'm still doing both}anyway. so it was a simple prayer. I asked for friends who were like me and could keep me company and have fun with, then I sort of wished for an ideal dude which is basically Tom Hardy, y'know rugged and scary and fear inspiring but still has a soft spot for yours truly. And then a friend of mine that stopped talking to me for a while hit me up on facebook because i took a picture in one of her shirts and she wants to come get it back. but the whole time we were talking it was cold and distant and sort of like two divorced parents schedueling the drop off times for their kids. but after that little blurb I was feeling kind of off, but at the same time I could have just been being sensitive because a lot of stuff gets lost in translation over text and I always think people are mad at me. but anyway i felt super disappointed because whenever people re-appear in my life recently its been like trying to wear pants that are too tight. and then I got to thinking {like I usually do} that I should move on in other things and stop holding onto this torch that I am holding for my former flame because their return could be equal parts sad and dissapointing. Plus I'm sure every one is sick of me going on about him anyway. but honestly it would be like trying to wear the old dress from your prom that doesnt quiet fit the same way even though you can zip it up.It'll be uncomfortable and terrible. if I want to be uncomfotable i'll just watch Japanese game shows or look at my middle school pictures. oh and besides that i realized i am very boring. I work and come home and make weird online purchases. I'm pretty sure my masterbation routine is getting stale. that's how fucking boring i have become.It's like I am an old person. ITS FUCKING TERRIBLE and I suck at making new friends so all that's going to happen is i am going to stay in the same routine unbothered and probably order an XBOX so I can be alone and sad and fangirl over the character design of some videogame that's better than my life.

Chapter 21: Crow Eater.

I have to go on this bus trip tomorrow in LA and I really don't want to. i hate taking the bus but everyone thinks it's because I think I'm too good to ride the bus but I'm scared because I don't want to get lost, I'm like a tiny baby. But instead of planning the bus route and dealing with what's actually bothering me I'm watching The Crow, and avoiding my issues. But I mean fawning over hot grunge Brandon Lee is way more interesting than thinking about having to go to LA and coming back home on the bus. Usually when I have little bouts of anxiety like this over tiny trivial things like getting lost and murdered or losing my job or spending too much money, I used to pray.
 I prayed when I had to give up my cats, i prayed when I tried to move out. but I don't feel like it works anymore. I don't feel like anything works; prayer, tarot cards, horoscopes, magic. like all the magic is leaving my body and soon I'll be like everyone else.
I have hoped for too long and dreamt for too long only to wake up in this shitty monotonous reality the only real comfort I have are the useless purchases I make to fill the void and contribute to my vanity. but even though I feel this way I still read my cards, I sleep with the rose quartz, I wear my Jade amulet, and I hope for better days. I know it sounds mellow dramatic while you are reading it but this is just what I'm going through right now. I feel like I am being suffocated by loneliness and boredum. I want to be around people who are like me not like the people I work with. They're just like the kids I went to highschool with, petty, sad, empty, jealous. All that matters is the latest gossip or who said what about who and how many hours they're getting cheated out of on their schedule. but in the end we are all getting cheated by capitalism, giving them our time in  exchange for cash which seems to disappear as soon as it lands in our grubby hands because they find ways to get it right back. I am frustrated. I am so just irritated in my bones. like literally my neck and my shoulders are a cluster fuck of angry kinetic energy.I keep getting Tarot readings that tell me to let go of what's bothering me in able to get my life back, but it's hard letting go since my thoughts are all that seem to keep me warm at night. It's hard not to think when there is no outside stimuli. No one talks to me about anything worth its salt. I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone but my mom in the last few months. I've been hanging out with my family alot but they're still kind of ass holes. My uncle ran off with his crazy girlfriend and we hardly see him, the other one is a world class cry baby. i have my grandparents but there's not much i have to say about them they're just old, stuck in their ways black people. I feel like I need to sage my apartment to get rid of all the remnants of Goat Man, I mean his energy is everywhere, he helped me move in, we've laid, talked, kissed, laughed in every corner of this shitty little apartment. But I have to move forward so the rain will stop. It cant rain all the time. I can't drown in this flood of feelings. I just have a lot of regret in my heart that I need to purge so I can be okay. I don't know how to find any sage, but it needs to happen soon so I can move on. Maybe it's just the ritualistic effect y'know that makes your mind feel like something is different. I don't even know if it'll work.I am very aggressively attracted to Brandon lee at this moment in time. but I digress, I don't think people actually understand how hard letting go is, it gets thrown around a lot and there's a whole fucking musical number about it in frozen but even Elsa didn't get over all that shit her parents put her through over night you think all that shit went away because she built an ice castle and changed her fucking wardrobe? no! it fucking didn't. I mean I tried to move on the conventional way, y'know go on dates meet new guys ect, ect, ect. but I just felt empty and all I could think of was if they liked me or did i say the right thing and i kept trying to see my future with these dudes and gt on the rebound wagon but my generation sucks. and now the only person i talk to is miles away and has the fucking audacity to ask me when i'm going to go visit him knowing full well that i have a job and no fucking seniority to make that shit fucking happen. I might as well just be alone and go through the grieving process the right way instead of trying to bury my feelings in new penis, because what's going to happen is that I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings because I can't deal with my own and I know what that feels like and I have done that to people before and it fucking sucks.I think instead of fighting the loneliness I should accept it. I should embrace the loneliness, the sadness the raw achey bones from lack of human contact, the irritability the sleepless nights. I should become friends with the cold side of my bed instead of desperately trying to fill it. being alone isn't a punishment. it's a gift, I'm not on fucking time out. I am a grown ass woman, If anything this period of stasis means that something fucking wonderful is around the corner and I need to be open enough to receive it instead of fighting for the past..   

Misery

as i am writing this i would like to inform you that i am not wearing my glasses because i cant find them. so this will not be well edited nor will it be gramatically correct because i cant really fucking see.I've been going through some weird stuff like my body has been on the fritz for the last few days. i survived a panic attack at work and i have been having this overwhelming achey feeling in my bones like something is going to happen. I'm not sure if it is good or bad but i can feel it deep in my marrow. like a metaphorical storm is coming. even through if you live in California like me a storm has already come to pass and it is going to be a bit gloomy for a few days.found my glasses. okay so anyway. i have been feeling like severely romantically starved like I have become obsessed with like true love tarot readings and love horoscopes and shit like something will actually happen but nothing seems to be happening accept for the tarot readings telling me to go out and socialize and maybe you'll find someone worth your time. and i'm like "Oh fucking really? I could've told myself this bullshit instead of wasting data and battery." and the only options i have at the moment is the hot meat guy at my job and this military kid that hs been texting me on and off for a while but at the same time I see no real future with either options because the military one has fuck boy tendencies and the meat guy would get me fired if I actually ended up fucking him because my job has like this strict sexual harrassment thing.but I feel empty like there is a part of me out there missing and It fucks with me on  a cellular level. Like all I want right now is for someone to look at me the way Robert Pattinson looks at FKA twigs in the met gala photos DO YOU FUCKING SEE ALL THAT RAW ADORATION???? I mean jesus christ I hate hearing that bullshit when people are like "you have to love yourself first then love will come" because i love myself more than anyone ever could to where it is boardering on Kanye west self obsession, and this has been a long dry spring bordering on an even dryer summer. and i know some of you out there are like damn she's thirsty or damn she needs to worry about her career and going to school because she's too young for this shit. well first off FUCK YOU you can still be strongly sexually and romantically oriented and pursue a career like I want to be an ESL or kindergarten teacher. I know that shit now and I know I can still do all the other stuff I saw myself doing if I go back to school in my 20's. and second of all I cant control these feelings it's not like I can turn them off. love and sex is as natural as food and drink just not everyone gets to have them. ANd I have wished for most of my life that I could shut these feelings down, that I could bury this part of me and become a robot.i wished that i could live asexually instead of constantly being a lusty monster craving love, adoration, and constant affections. that's another reason why my relationship fell apart because my greedy neediness and always wanting the attention and touch of my previous partner. but I cant help it, it's like I am addicted to touch and without it i start to go into this weird withdrawl. there is no shutting it down and turning off the power switch. there is no "just don't think about it." there is no dont crave the slightest touch of someone who loves you. there is no cure.  
  there is no cure for hope, there is no cure for endless love. there is no cure for dreaming that one day there will be someone to give it too me without complication. like I have this scenario in my head that I will meet that person and time will slow down and everything will fall into place.everyone has someone that makes the world stop for them. Frida Khalo had Diego Rivera, Scarlet O'hara had Rhett Butler. There is that one person that makes a home in your soul and wouldn't ever leave, no matter the circumstances and I refuse to give that up.There is someone who will break all this boredom and monotony. there is a great love out there. there has to be.

Chapter 20:Spirits Laid to Rest

Today I puked at work, not one of my proudest moments but I mean I ate fruit so it wasnt as bad as it could've been. I talked to this guy that works with me and it was the longest conversation we had since he started working there. he's a decent dude. and after that I had been re-united with one of my ghosts. we'll call her Star, anyway I took it upon myself to sage that wound and speak to her because we have spent most of our lives after high school ignoring and avoiding each other. it was pretty lovely and it felt like we hadnt stopped being friends but at the same time I would be okay if things didn't go back to how they were. 
 I mean she's wonderful but it's been happening like this all the time I went to a church that I used to go to and it felt nice but at the same time I knew I wasn't that girl anymore.the same thing happened with friends that I had while in middle school. I missed them for eons and then visited them habitually and figured the memory was better than the real thing. which brought me to the conclusion that even now as I reminisce over Goat Man, I get the feeling that Finally everyone was right, that the past should stay in the past. my nostalgic nature usually betrays me but keeping in a forward trajectory is what I should keep my focus on.   The point of meeting things from your past doesnt always mean they were meant to be in your present. but if they keep bumping into you that means there is something that needs to be done and you cant go on hiding from things.I couldnt keep hiding from Star and wallowing in the ill will that I had been harboring and that had hindered me from having a healthy relationship with Goat Man because most of it was my fault, because all she wanted was the best for me. growing is an interesting thing because you know it's happening but it happens in the smallest moments, moments of kindness and friendship, moments of goodness and compassion. Not in hate or by force or in anger. it's like when people say singing to plants help them grow faster, I have rarely had moments when I had been proud of myself unless it had been an academic or athletic feat.But socially proud of myself especially dealing with anxiety and depression yada yada. Running away from everything made me feel like garbage running from the people I hurt and scorned feeling like that would make it better if I just left. but staying has been the best decision had ever made.  Looks like I can make good choices after all.. I should've written a disclaimer that this blog wouldnt be a ranting raving blog about me being sexually frustrated angry and discontent drowning in loneliness and angst But I already know that I'l be getting less views on this post than the lasts because I sound positive even though I have been getting Gang raped by period cramps this has been a pretty groovy journey, and I'm going to continue to be

Curse of the Swamp witch.

so lets begin a story about the ridiculous attrocity that i have begun to call a love life or lack there of. I am still begrudgingly single and the prospects that i do end up having strong feelings for are less then great.the loneliness of small town Tujunga is violently depressing and the sadness seeps into my bones.hope is the cruelest tool of all. the hope to leave. the hope to escape this Purgatory, the hope to love and be loved. the hope for friends who don't just use me as a free therapist. my tiny little heart continues to pour out hopes upon hopes.the worst phrase of all is "one day." or "maybe." or "next year." or "soon." I continue to cling to this thread that there is a way out of here if I work hard enough if I push hard enough, if I try. The sick part is I can't give up even though I want to. I wish I could be hopeless and leave all my dreams to die in the desert like Tujunga sun. it is basically like I am in a vaccum , drowning in eternal indifference.  and I have to go to work tomorrow and deal with these jerk offs who know everything except  how to treat people like human beings. it's a fucking zoo. I don't have much to write about today because all i am capable of is complaining. Maybe i'm just restless because my period is close at hand.I still cant shake the hope that one day I will claw my way out of here and I will be out of this desert hell and I will live some where where all the flowers aren't coming out of concrete and the air isn't hot and scratchy against my skin. I will be able to say that I had gotten away and that I was the one that got out.there is a way. I know there is.